Recent articles have advocated the virtues of bringing back shame for disciplining children. "Shame," they proclaim "is the way to give children a sense of right and wrong. Nothing wrong with a "good old fashioned spanking."" they admonish. Although guiding children to have a strong moral conscience should be a valid goal for both parents and teachers, there is a lot wrong with trying to achieve this goal with shaming.

What is shame and how does one accomplish it? "Shame," according to the Webster's New Word Dictionary, is "a painful feeling of guilt for improper behavior, etc.". Methods of shaming include spanking the child, yelling at the child, belittling the child, etc. Instead of strengthening an intrinsic moral conscience in children, shaming has a totally different effect.

First, consider spanking. At this point you may be thinking, "But I only spank my child occasionally," or "My parents spanked me; what is wrong with spanking?" There is a lot wrong with spanking. It is negative, out-dated, and abusive. Because parents are often angry when they spank, it can quickly get out of hand. Furthermore, the lessons the child receives from spanking are not those probably intended. Instead of learning, "Don't do this behavior again because it is unsafe or morally wrong, " the messages received by the child are "It is okay to hit if you are big;" and "Violence is an acceptable way to solve problems." Additionally, spanking encourages aggression in children. Children who are spanked frequently hit their peers, especially those who are smaller than they are.

In addition to spanking, shaming is achieved with yelling, lecturing, and belittling the child to make him feel terrible about the behavior. Although the immediate results of shaming may cause the behavior to stop, the long-term effects are negative. The child responds out of fear, extrinsic motivation. The child does assimilate the consequences of the behavior on others (other than the effect of angering the adult). The child does not learn how to achieve desires in an acceptable manner. Rather than strengthening moral conscience, this method leads to the 5 R's: resentment, resistance, recalcitrance, rigidity, and revenge.

But if shaming is off limits, what options are available for disciplining out-of-bounds behavior? The good news is there are several positive options. With these options parents can exchange the 5 R's of shame for 5 A's. Instead of a resentful child, the child is guided to be agreeable. A resistant child is exchanged for an assisting child. A recalcitrant child can become an amenable child; while a rigid child is traded for an adaptable child. Revenge is replaced with accountability.

The 5 A's, agreeable, assisting, amenable, adaptable, and accountable are characteristic of responsibility. It is responsibility that is the ultimate goal for our children. For lasting moral behavior they must react out of intrinsic motivation. They must act because they believe their actions are right and moral, and because they comprehend and take responsibility for the consequences of their actions upon others.

The most effective method to help children gain a sense of responsibility for their behavior is to engage them in problem-solving. In problem-solving the child is guided to verbalize feelings, and desire, to analyze the effects of the behavior, and to brainstorm acceptable means of achieving the desires. As children become aware of the effects of their actions while being guided in how to get what they want acceptably, their moral conscience and their sense of responsibility is strengthened. Of course, children do not become moral, responsible adults overnight; the more they practice, the more they succeed.

The first step with young children is to help them define what they actually wanted to accomplish, their desire. Behavior in healthy young children is motivated by wanting something. Negative behavior usually results from choosing the wrong means to achieve the desire, rather than from malicious intent or a character deficit. For example, three year old Tommy is writing on the mirror with Mother's new red lipstick. Mother certainly views this behavior as undesirable. Her first task is to listen to Tommy to discover his desire. Using an "I" statement she can let Tommy know her feelings and the reasons for them. ("I feel __, when you __, because __.) She could say, "Tommy, I feel angry when you draw on the mirror with my new lipstick because it ruins the lipstick and gets the mirror dirty." Now Tommy has some information about how Mother feels as well as the effects of his behavior.

Step two involves gathering information. Mother must do some detective work with Tommy to discover what he wanted to achieve. In this case two possible motives come to mind: He may want to draw a picture; or he may want to get mother's attention. It is important to help him define what he wanted because the appropriate means to achieve his desires will be different in each case. Instead of spanking or yelling at Tommy, which will lead to the 5 R's, Mother can now try an "I wonder statement." "Tommy, I wonder what you wanted that made you draw on the mirror with my new red lipstick." Young children who are not intimidated and fearful tend to be quite honest. Tommy might innocently say, "I wanted to draw a red picture."

Step three involves helping the child find an acceptable choice for accomplishing his desire. Mother could engage Tommy in problem-solving an acceptable way to draw his red picture. "Tommy, I don't want you to draw with my lipstick, and I don't want drawing on the mirror, how else could you draw a red picture?" She is now encouraging some analytical thinking on Tommy's part. If he is silent for more than 45 seconds (children need some quiet time to gather their thoughts), she could give him some hints. "Let's think about how you have drawn pictures in the past? What could you use besides the lipstick and mirror?" The more practice Tommy has in problem-solving, the more choices he will generate. If he suggests a choice which is acceptable to him, but not to Mother, she can help him predict the consequences of his actions. Tommy could decide, "I could use the red crayon on the mirror." Mother could counter, "The red crayon is a good choice, but what will happen to the mirror with the red crayon on it?" With luck Tommy will acknowledge it will mark it up. If he doesn't understand this, Mother could explain. "Tommy the mirror needs to be clean so we can see into it. When lipstick or crayon are on it, we can't see ourselves well. What else could you draw on?" Tommy may volunteer, "I could get some paper," or "I could get my drawing book."

The third step involves Mother helping Tommy make amends for his behavior, again without shaming him. After agreeing that Tommy has found an acceptable choice for drawing his red picture, she can help him atone for his actions and see the consequences. Mother could say, "Tommy, drawing a red picture on paper with a red crayon is a good choice. First, let's work together to get the lipstick off the mirror." While they are working she will gently point out that it is hard to remove the lipstick. She may also confide that she is sad about the state of her new red lipstick after being used to draw. She is not shaming Tommy nor making him feel guilty, but she is teaching him the consequences of actions and how to find appropriate alternatives.

Suppose Tommy answered Mother's question about his intentions with "No one was playing with me." Mother helps Tommy define his problem, "You were unhappy because no one was paying attention to you." She can move right to step three and inquire, "What are some okay choices for you if you want someone to play with you?" Tommy may respond, "I could ask you; but you were on the telephone." Now Mother can help Tommy think of choices when she is on the phone. Certainly, this situation will come up again. "Yes, you could ask me to play with you. This is a good choice. If I say I can't play right now, what else could you do?" Tommy may say, "I don't know." Mother might respond, "Well, what are some one-person things you like to do?" Tommy might say, "I like to draw pictures." Mother agrees, "Yes, that is a one-person thing to do; but I don't want you to draw pictures on the mirror with my lipstick. How else could you draw a picture?"

Once Tommy has generated an acceptable choice, Mother again guides him to make amends for his actions by helping her clean the mirror. While cleaning, she and Tommy may think of a list of one-person things he likes to do. She could jot them down and later, with Tommy's help, make a picture-list showing each activity. Although Tommy probably can't read the words, he can read the pictures. The picture list could be posted on the refrigerator as a reminder.

Of course, Mother will not always have the patience to problem-solve with Tommy. If either Mother or Tommy is too angry at the moment to problem-solve, either one or both can benefit from cool-off time. Unlike time-out where Tommy is being punished for his actions, and possibly shamed, cool-off time is an interim procedure until he is calm enough to problem-solve. It is important to validate the child's feelings. "I see you are very angry. It is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hit (or to throw things.) You need to cool-off, then we can solve the problem."

Cool-off works best when there is a consistent cool-off place in the house. Many families use the child's bedroom. Some families use a sofa or the bottom step of the stairs. Since cool-off is not a punishment, the child may play with toys or look at books. Cool-off is not meant as a deterrent. It is a time to shift gears from misbehavior and rage into problem-solving acceptable behavior and ways to make amends. The parent should check back with the child in a couple of minutes to see if she is ready to problem-solve. If the rage is still intense the parent says, "I see you are still angry. I will check back in a few more minutes."

It is expecting too much of a child to decide for herself when she is ready to leave her cool-off spot. She it already out of control, now she is told to take the ultimate control to monitor herself. Parents ask what to do when the child won't stay in the cool-off place. Until the child is used to the procedure, the parent may have to stay with the child or keep returning the child to the cool-off place. However, it won't take too many times for the child to understand that this procedure is not a punishment but an aid in getting her desires met.

When parents become angry, they can also use a cool-off time. "I am so angry that my new lipstick is ruined that I need to cool-off before we problem-solve." says Mother. Parent's cool-off strategies vary; examples include sitting in a chair, turning on music, running up and down the stairs, or simply counting. As Thomas Jefferson said, "When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, an hundred." By using a "cool-off" parents model for children as well as taking measures to prevent over-reaction or abuse. Of course, parents don't always have time to problem-solve with their children. There are other positive options available. In fact, these options are right in the MIRROR.

Make a game

Ignore

Redirect

Restructure the environment

Offer choice

Resolve with problem-solving

Mother states to Tommy, "Oh, Tommy I cannot let you draw on the mirror with my new red lipstick. It dirties the mirror so we can't see well and it ruins the lipstick. I shall wave my magic wand and turn us into cleaners. You can help me scrub the lipstick off the mirror."

If the behavior is not harming anyone or anything, the parent may choose to ignore it. This techniques can be effective when the child is doing nondestructive behavior for parent attention. It is always better to reward positive behavior with attention than negative behavior. Ignoring is not a recommended technique to use with Tommy and the lipstick.

Mother does not have time to problem-solve. Instead she directs Tommy to an appropriate action, giving him reasons. "Tommy, I feel angry when you draw on the mirror with my new red lipstick. It dirties the mirror and ruins the lipstick. Draw your picture with your pens on the paper in the kitchen." Tommy is told how to accomplish his goals acceptably. Note, Tommy has not been helped to make amends.

By changing the people, the object, the time, or the space, the dynamic is put in new alignment. Mother realizes Tommy frequently misbehaves when she is talking on the phone. She restructures the environment by saving her phone conversations for when he is in bed. Or she restructures the environment by providing an activity basket for Tommy to use while she is talking on the phone. The basket could hold a small box of leggos, some pens and paper, some playdough, etc. Creating a play space for Tommy near the telephone, may make him feel more attended to as well as helping Mother to better monitor him.

Offer two acceptable alternatives: Mother offers, "Tommy, I don't want you to ruin my lipstick and get the mirror dirty. You may draw on paper with a red pen or you may make a picture on the mirror with glass wax."

Present a "when, then choice:" Mother instructs, "Tommy, the red lipstick is getting ruined and soiling the mirror. When you clean it off with the glass wax, then I will read you the story you have been wanting."

Encourage compliance with an"either, or choice:" This method would be appropriate if Tommy were using his own tool (lipstick or pen) to draw on the mirror. "Tommy, you are soiling the mirror with your lipstick. Lipstick goes on lips. Either use it only on you lips, or I will take it back." Having Tommy clean off the mirror is a recommended consequences of actions to follow-up. Sometimes the "either,or choice" includes the consequences of actions:

Rachel is screaming at the top of her lungs. Father says, "Rachel, you are hurting my ears, either stop screaming or I will take you to your room when you may scream behind your closed door." Resolve with problem-solving: Through problem-solving your child will learn the most valuable life lessons. Analytical thinking skills are enhanced as the child builds a repertoire of acceptable strategies to accomplish desires. Children strengthen divergent thinking skills as they think up new choices to affect their desires. Verbalizing feelings and desires as well as listening to parents reasons and feelings builds positive communication skills. Finally, children who help decide the rules of the house through problem-solving, are invested in abiding by them.

It is always a good idea to evaluate your response to misbehavior later. Did you feel good about the discipline technique you chose? Was it effective? If the answer is no, plan now for next time. Which of the positive options might have been more effective? The good news is that you will soon have another opportunity to try another option.

Positive discipline to build responsibility is much more productive for children than shame and guilt. Although young children seem to misbehave a lot; in fact, they are simply learning how to get their desires met. The job of the adult in their lives is to help them acquire positive strategies. Children who learn acceptable techniques grow up to become responsible adults who act from a strong moral conscience which revolves around predicting