Two-year-old Jimmy is happily playing with a toy telephone, pretending to talk to his daddy at work. Rachel, also two years old, has been making a tower of blocks. She notices Jimmy, walks over to him, and tries to take the toy phone away. Jimmy screams and pulls Rachel's hair. Rachel begins to cry.

This is probably a familiar scene to persons who care for toddlers. Conflict between very young children occurs frequently and without warning. Such behavior in young children often causes strong emotions in adults. To us, such behavior seems uncivilized. And that is just what it is! Toddlers don't follow accepted social rules. Rachel didn't ask for the phone, and Jimmy didn't ask her to give it back. Both children resorted immediately to physical means to solve the problem. Why do toddlers act like this? Are they just selfish? Don't they care about other peoples feelings? What should adults do when toddlers fight?

In order to understand how to handle toddler conflict, it is necessary to understand why it happens. If adults or even older children behaved this way, it might be appropriate to think in terms of right and wrong, or good and bad. But toddlers fight simply because they have no other way to deal with social problems. For toddlers, conflict is a skill issue, not a moral issue. Toddlers can't solve multiplication problems because they lack the necessary math skills. Similarly, they can't handle problems with other people because they don't yet have the social skills needed to solve them.

Several skills are necessary to get along successfully with other people.

communicate clearly: to let others know what you need, want, and think;

predict how others are likely to react to your own behavior;

understand and control your own emotions and behavior; and

think of many different solutions to problems that arise in dealing with others.

When you consider all the skills needed to be successful in getting along with other people, it is easy to understand why even adults find it so difficult!

Toddlers, however, have none of these skills. Because of their limited mental abilities, they don't understand that others have a point of view. They certainly don't understand what those feelings or needs might be, and their newly developing language skills don't allow them to communicate well with others. Interpreting toddlers speech is difficult for most adults; it's almost impossible for other toddlers to understand. Toddlers also have a very poor grasp of cause-and-effect relationships. Therefore, they seldom think about how their actions might affect others.

Emotions are also overwhelming to young children. Toddlers have trouble distinguishing between anger, sadness, and fear. It is almost impossible to control what you don't understand. Furthermore, the toddler has few alternatives to try when attempting to solve problems with others. Therefore, when toddlers are faced with social problems, especially ones that raise strong emotions, their immediate reaction is to respond physically. When they want something, they take it. When they are hurt or feel threatened, they lash out or physically defend themselves.

Adults can help toddlers deal with conflict in two ways. First, they can structure the environment to prevent conflict from occurring in the first place. Toddlers have such limited skills. Why put them in situations you know they can't handle? Its better, for example, to buy two or three of the same toy rather than buying several different toys. That way, toddlers won't have to wait long for a turn with an attractive toy. It also helps to divide toys up between the children before they begin to play. Toddlers have a great deal of difficulty sharing materials from a common pile. Give each child his or her own pile. Make it clear that this pile belongs to Jimmy and that pile belongs to Terry. This will help you avoid arguments.

Many conflicts can also be avoided by limiting the number of children playing in any one area. Fewer children make for fewer social problems and, thus, fewer conflicts. Also, make sure toddlers have plenty of space. Because toddlers are small, it is commonly assumed that they need less space. Toddlers actually require more space than older children because they don't respect the space needs of other children yet. Furthermore, because they do not have good control over their bodies, they may accidentally move into another's space. If you provide several feet of space between children, this is less likely to occur.

Prevention is the most important part of handling toddler conflicts. No matter how you try, though, there will still be occasional arguments and fights. When conflict occurs, deal first with the strong emotions involved. Rachel can't hear anything you say about fairness and rules while her head hurts. And Jimmy won't listen to you while Rachel still has the toy phone. Let the children know that you understand their points of view, but also tell them about how the other child feels.

For example, you could say to Jimmy, "I know that Rachel took the phone you were playing with and you want it back." You might say to Rachel, "I know Jimmy pulled your hair and it really hurts." Taking possession of the disputed toy while you talk will also serve to calm the children. Assure the children that you are there to help them solve the problem.

After the children are calm, you can offer information that will help them understand what happened and why. Make sure Rachel hears that Jimmy pulled her hair because she took the phone. Also, be sure that Jimmy hears that Rachel took the phone because she wanted to play with it and that he hurt her when he pulled her hair. This information will help the children learn about cause and effect.

Next, help the children solve the problem. We often find ourselves telling young children to share or to cooperate. This, however, is rather like telling them to multiply or to divide. They don't know how to share, so it doesn't do any good to tell them to do it. Instead of telling them to share, show them how to share in such a way that each child's needs are met. You might, for example, help Rachel find another toy phone to use. If you don't have another one, Rachel may be happy with another toy. Or, tell Rachel she can have the toy phone when Jimmy is done. Then help Rachel find something else to do while she waits. It is critical that your suggested solution recognizes both children's needs. Punishing one or both children doesn't teach much about how to solve the problem.

It is also a good idea to give children some words to use for next time. These words will give them a way to communicate their needs in a less aggressive way. Explain to Jimmy, for example, how to say "No, its mine," and to Rachel, how to say "I want it, too." The words you encourage the children to use must be well within their language ability. You can't teach a two-year-old to say, "I'd like to have that when you're done, please."

You can also encourage children to come get you when they have a problem. Recognize that this is different from "tattling." Its getting needed help. Finally, it is important to make the rules clear. Jimmy needs to hear that he may not hurt anyone, and Rachel must hear that she may not take another person's toy. The rules, however, are of little use if the children have no alternative way of handling problems.

Although it sounds like handling toddler conflict involves a lot of talking on your part, remember that very young children can only listen to a few sentences. You will probably need to focus on only one or two things when dealing with a particular conflict. When children are very upset, it's probably best to focus primarily on calming them down. Help children who don't seem to understand that others have feelings to realize the needs and feelings of the other child. In contrast, children who already seem to understand the needs of others may benefit most from suggestions on how to solve the problem or a reminder about the rules that were broken.

Dealing with conflict is not easy. When you prevent problems from occurring in the first place and teach young children social skills, you are helping them learn to interact effectively with both children and adults.