"My kid is driving me crazy" is a plaintive cry from many a frustrated parent who does not understand the purpose of their child's behavior. Children have the same need to feel significant as adults, however, they do not have the same opportunities to have their needs met.

Mistaken behavior is the term used to describe the behavior of a child who is striving to feel significant in ways which are distressing to the parent. "If I can't be significant by being helpful or useful, then I will find other ways" seems to be the unspoken feelings of the child who is misbehaving. In order to cope with the mistaken behavior and provide encouragement to discouraged children, it is important to understand the goals of their behavior.

There are four basic goals of misbehavior. They are attention seeking, power, revenge and display of inadequacy. The key to understanding the purpose of the behavior is to determine what feelings are evoked in the parent. Each goal has a specific parental response attached to it.

First is the goal of attention seeking. This is a deliberate attempt to keep the parent busy with them. The little darling becomes a nuisance and pesters the parent or becomes a show off. One can be fairly certain the goal is attention seeking when the parent feels annoyed, bothered and irritated. When attention is given, the child temporarily stops the irritating behavior, but it soon returns when the attention is taken away.

The second goal is that of power. "I'm the boss" states the child with their hands on their hips. This behavior is recognized when the child resists doing what is asked or does the opposite. Temper tantrums are not unusual when they decide they are the boss. Parents feel threatened or provoked or even intimidated. A common feeling is one of losing control which often initiates a determination to gain control of the child's behavior. Parents may threaten the child or attempt to assert authority by ordering them to do something, "Go to you room or else...."

Revenge is the third goal wherein the child attempts to get even with the parent. This child may be defiant, sullen, hostile, or vindictive. Typically the parent is deeply hurt which may be experienced as anger, resentment or even hatred. Usually the parent responds to this behavior by punishing the child, anything from verbally berating to physically striking out. Responses such as these may cause the child to intensify their actions and hurt others, destroy property or run away.

The fourth goal, a display of inadequacy, may occur when the child feels so discouraged that they withdraw and give up trying. The child may develop school phobias, compulsive eating or psychosomatic illnesses. Often the parent feels helpless and very discouraged and may also give up on the child which reinforces the child's feelings of inadequacy and may cause the child to retreat or regress further. The child may become more passive.

Suggestions for appropriate responses to these four goals of misbehavior address the issue itself, not the immediate behavior. Giving constructive attention at appropriate times and ignoring the misbehavior be useful to handle attention seeking. Making contracts such as "when I am finished, then I will play with you" may be helpful. However, it is essential that the parent follow through with the contract. Unconstructive attention such as nagging should be avoided.

Procedures to use when dealing with power include removing oneself from the area, enlisting the child's help with a chore or other task, and providing situations where the child can use their power constructively, such as being in charge of something. It is generally best if you do not engage in a power struggle with the child because no one wins.

Revenge requires that the parent listens passively and avoids retaliation. It is also necessary for the parent to display mutual respect, which allows respect for both the child and oneself. Recognizing that conflict is inevitable and being willing to compromise are also essential.

A display of inadequacy usually requires that the parent make a concerted effort to trust the child with small responsibilities and to build on all successes no matter how small. The child who feels inadequate needs a great deal of encouragement to develop self-confidence.

There are many variations of these issues. It may be helpful to discuss misbehavior with a family counselor.