Heading Off Tantrums Before They Start
Author/Source Unknown
Shrieking, crying, hitting, throwing: business as usual in a stressed-out household.
The frustration of children's tantrums is familiar to most parents. Frequent tantrums often arise from family stress. Needless to say, they significantly contribute to it! What can parents do to discover peaceful family relationships and approach anger in healthy ways?
A tantrum, how frustrating for a parent on the phone, in a check-out line, or trying to pack into the car in the morning. In the United States alone, the number of toddlers is nearly 7 million; imagine how many of our nation of parents will encounter screaming fits today! What can frustrated parents do to keep their sanity and reduce this intense source of family stress?
According to Shannon Batts, a Marriage, Family and Child Counselor with a practice in Santa Monica, California, children's tantrums do not have to leave the parents with hair standing on end. "It seems baffling that a kid turns into a Tasmanian Devil always at the most inconvenient moment," says Batts, "but the electricity that charges up that tantrum is not such a mystery, and pulling the plug is not that difficult either once you get the hang of it."
"You'll find as many opinions about what to do as there are cold stares in the supermarket when a kid is flailing on the ground. The important aim is peaceful parenting that helps a kid and a parent pull it together with self-respect to build communication."
DISCOVERING WAYS TO COOL DOWN
Turning the heat down requires a new attitude. "Instead of attacking the child and adding to the breakdown of coping," says Batts, "parents might consider the tantrum as a chance to help the child sort out emotions and frustrations." Building dialogue is an important aim, and starts with a simple skill called mirroring, says Batts. "Mirroring is the best tool for sorting out the jumble of angry reactions. An example would be, "You're so frustrated right now!'" Coupled with an empathic response--"I understand because that toy was important to you"--mirroring not only cools down tantrums, says Batts, but also builds intimacy in relationships.
MODELING HEALTHY ANGER Statement
Children often do as we do, not as we say. What's said by a parent in a heated moment often comes falling out of the mouths of babes when least expected. Parents with easily pushed temper buttons, or who aggressively blow off steam, says Batts, may find their children imitating them at a later time. One healthy step towards peaceful parenting is to role model being caught in the act--and then trying a new way. "Parents can teach their children that they don't have to model perfection, only that learning and stretching to try more effective ways of coping is perfect enough
REMEMBERING YOUR CHILD'S NEEDS
Children's needs are not only age-related but contain elements that span across the spectrum of all ages. "Releasing pent-up tension is one of those needs," says Batts. "If tension has exploded into a tantrum, a child's need for reassurance and closeness is even more heightened." Once the drama has subsided, says Batts, parents sometimes take a punishing approach which can rev a tantrum back up again. What a difference it makes to respond to a child's need for affection and holding after a tantrum, says Batts. This is where the teachable moment can be found--in the calm after the storm. Whether you're a parent at your limit, with toddlers or teens, or just curious about effective methods to increase the peace in your own house, there is hope. Try the 11 tips and methods highlighted here, and see what effect they have on your children--and on you
ELEVEN WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS
Turn Mundane Into Fun
Laundry? Dishes? Messy rooms? Crank up the music, have a dance contest, race to sort out the laundry, lip sync or blow bubbles in the kitchen or bathroom.
Create a Zone
Declare part or all of the house a complaint-free or criticism-free zone. If caught criticizing or complaining, keep trying until what you say isn't critical or complaining anymore. Keep your sense of humor. Complaints are welcome--outside on the porch!
Family Meeting
Have an upbeat weekly meeting, taking turns with a new leader each time. Focus on the positive, allow kids to voice their views, discuss chores, old biz, new biz and end with high energy or a fun activity. This models cooperative, democratic living skills.
One to One
Schedule a block of time for one child with one parent. The child chooses what to do (within reason). This boosts encouragement, warmth and satisfaction.
Logical Consequences
Instead of screaming, nagging or giving dirty looks, make the result of misbehavior logically tie in to the bad deed. A child will learn from repairing the action more than from being yelled into submission. Logical consequences build a person of character and responsibility instead of a child of resentment and avoidance.
Caught in the Act
Make a pact to catch each other doing well, trying hard or showing good qualities. Drop the criticism for a while, or for good, and notice the stress decrease.
Physical Fun
Belly laughs are good for you. Find out what works in creating mutual laughter in your family. Fight or flight can't keep up with rolling on the floor laughing.
Decrease TV
Cut it in half or cut it out. Ask anyone who's done it and stuck to it! Open the books (or go to the library), play games, go outside and play tag backwards or on skates!
Celebrate
Go ahead, lift the gray clouds, make a big deal or even a little deal (light a candle?) to celebrate the good stuff. Write out a certificate of appreciation to your kid or spouse. Find things to celebrate about each other.
Pay Up
Allowance money not tied to chores reduces power struggles, encourages responsibility (budgeting, saving, learning from choices), and teaches other than "I want what I want, and I want it now!"
Gratitude
Change your attitude. Create a tradition of saying each day what you're thankful for as you gather for dinner. Or write these thoughts on slips of paper and put them in a decorated box (made on a TV-free night?). Read them aloud to each other at the end of the week.
CHILDREN WITH LANGUAGE-BASED learning disabilities may resort to temper tantrums more rapidly simply because they have can't express themselves as quickly as their emotions build, states Dr. Edward Hallowell, an expert on learning disabilities and attention deficit disorders.
"The whole range of impulse control problems can manifest in temper tantrums," adds Hallowell, an instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of the Hallowell Center for Cognitive and Emotional Health in Concord, Massachussetts. One cause of temper tantrums in children with learning disabilities is "frustration, difficulty in learning, difficulty in processing information, and the tendency to have to struggle just to comprehend what is going on."
All children have temper tantrums at some point; those who resort to tantrums more easily, he says, "are kids who simply don't have sufficient structure in their lives, not enough rules or schedules. Also, kids who are overstimulated from a combination of media, television, video and computer games, so that they want constant stimulation. Throw in that they don't get enough exercise and sleep and you have a recipe for tantrums."
Schedules are beneficial because they build predictability. "If you know what's coming, you tend to feel reassured; rules do the same thing. Kids really need some of that to help them learn how to manage their feelings," Hallowell says.
When asked how should parents deal with tantrums, Hallowell, author of WHEN YOU WORRY ABOUT THE CHILD YOU LOVE, answered, "prevent them. Encourage the use of language, words to express feelings. Have fair expectations. Don't expect more from the child than he can produce, because then the child will constantly feel frustrated."
During a tantrum, try to contain a child, reassure him, help him calm down, soothe and caress, bolster his confidence, "and, obviously," Hallowell says, "don't respond with rage yourself."
Submitted by Sherry
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