Strategies to help keep tattling to a minimum...

Children tattle. It matters very little whether or not adults want to hear it. However, there are some strategies to help keep tattling to a minimum.

First, increase your understanding. Tattling, also called prosocial aggression, is a natural stage in the development of the conscience. It is a necessary and desirable--if somewhat unappealing--part of the developmental sequence.

Sometimes we reinforce tattling because we need to hear about a situation. If Terry is hurt, you want to know. Because you respond out of necessity, the tattling is reinforced. At other times you do not need or want the information being supplied. If Terry stayed on the phone three minutes over his limit, you do not necessarily want to know. This kind of tattling springs from a desire to get another child in trouble, rather than a wish to be helpful.

Because some tattling is helpful and some is not, children tend to overuse it. They don't understand that situations differ, and they must be encouraged to consider more than one aspect of any circumstance. The positive intentions of gaining recognition from the parent or other adult, and having some control preempt other considerations.

When a child is getting ready to tattle, ask, "Is this helpful or unhelpful?" This forces the child into a decision-making mode and requires that she do a bit of mental work--deciding, discriminating and problem solving. It encourages the child to move the focus from fixing blame and getting someone else in trouble, to the decision that is required.

Once the child decides whether her tattling is helpful or unhelpful, let her know that you are only interested in helpful information. This will teach her the difference between "tattling" and telling. They learn quickly that your interest lies in helping family members to support one another.

Another strategy that discourages tattling is to instruct the tattling child to settle the problem with words. Say, "If you don't like it, tell him not to hit you. Say that you don't like fighting." This language technique moves the responsibility for solving the problem from the parent to the tattling child. It demonstrates your trust and respect in her ability to take care of herself.

Encouraging students to settle problems with words or asking them "Is this helpful or unhelpful?" keeps the parent from having to pass judgment on something that he has not seen. It is risky to make decisions, fix blame or discipline children based on the hearsay of other children. The story you hear may or may not resemble what really happened. Everyone's view of reality is greatly influenced by her own needs and desires.