Dear Mr. McVeigh:
A Letter Of Hope For A Broken Man
The following is a letter I just sent to Tim's father, Bill McVeigh. My heart goes out to this kind and terribly tragic man and I just wanted to let him know that there were people out here who genuinely cared about his son.
Dear Mr. McVeigh,
Dear Mr. McVeigh, I wrote this letter late in November, 2001, because I would imagine that the first Christmas without your Timmy would be pure hell for you. I sent it to you, care of Warden Keith Olson at the US Penitentiary in Terre Haute, Indiana, where your son was, but he returned it, saying that any mail for Tim and/or his family could not be forwarded. I sincerely hope that you do not find my letter invasive of your privacy and your dealings with your extreme grief. The reason I sent the letter to Warden Olson was so that he could make the decision of whether or not it was appropriate to write to you. I know that you staunchly guard your privacy and I didn't want in any way to hurt you or cause you any distress. God knows, you've experienced enough of that already.
I wrote quite a few letters to your son, after I learned that he had dropped all the rest of his appeals last December, 2000. I thought this was a bad move on his part, but, as you know, Tim was very, very stubborn. Once he made up his mind, well, that was pretty much it. I sincerely hope that you got all of his mail—I heard from a reliable source that you did, but this woman who got close to Tim when he was in Terre Haute claims she has come into possession of them. I certainly hope that is not the case. Maybe someday you will be able to read some of the mail that came to Tim-----many of us really cared about him and wanted him to live. He had a very kind and sensitive face----like yours and that is how I will remember him.
Tim never forgot kind folks and he never forgot family. In my last letter to Tim, I told him that he would soon be in heaven with his beloved grandfather. He so loved both of you—he cared for all of his family members, but you and your father were special to him because you never gave him anything short of unconditional love. Do you realize how rare that is these days? It seems that everyone wants to qualify their caring and their devotion, but not you. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time and I want to assure you that, even though I strongly opposed what Tim did, I never stopped harbouring positive feelings about him.
I believe that the reason that Tim didn't express remorse for his act right to the very end is because he truly believed that it was a military maneuver and that if there were casualties, then that was the nature of war. Tim's battle against his government spurred him on to bomb the Murrah building and his seemingly callous description of "collateral damage" was simply his military mind-set. He did not mean to cheapen the deaths of the children—rather, he intellectualized everything to avoid pain and overwhelming guilt. Please, Mr. McVeigh, do not shoulder any blame for what happened that day in Oklahoma City. Don't do that to yourself or you will find it almost impossible to go on.
Let me tell you something: On February 29th, 2000, I grew so despondent and felt so utterly hopeless that I swallowed eight Wilkinson Sword razor blades—the real thing; extremely sharp. I just couldn't stand to be alive one more minute. Well, I was found unconscious and was rushed to the emergency room, where my parents were told I had only a 5% chance of survival. Just before they administered the sodium Pentothal, the surgeon asked me if I wanted a priest and did I have anything to put in order. Sort of what Warden Lappin said to Tim. I fully expected to die that night, but obviously, I did not. I was in the hospital for ten days, then taken to a psychiatric hospital for treatment. In time, I came to realize that suicide is the most selfish act of all. Sure, I'd be out of pain and misery, but what about my mother, father and brother?
The reason for recounting this near-tragedy for you is to show you that I fully understood your son's strong death wish. As you likely know, he thought of his execution as a "state-assisted suicide." And that, for all intents and purposes, is what the lethal injection was for him. Was any of it your fault? Was it my loved ones' fault that I wanted to kill myself? The answer is a resounding NO. You are in no way—no way at all, responsible for what happened to your Timmy. He was deeply troubled and suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Ah, I know it well. His catastrophic war experiences, in which he unwillingly killed to Iraqis, changed him forever. He was sick—not legally insane, but sick nonetheless. Because of you and his grandfather, he got along as well as he did prior to April 19th, 1995. Without your deep love and affection for him, Tim would have self-destructed much sooner and who knows how many people he would have taken with him.
Please believe that Tim was not a cold and calculating killer, as many have attested. He was a despondent young man who had grown increasingly isolated, depressed and with feelings of helplessness that stemmed from experiencing a great deal of disappointment. He felt empty and that was certainly not because of you. No, Tim was a lot like me-----he possessed some pretty serious free-floating anxiety and rage; rage that seemed to have an illusive core, but one that bubbled up and over the edge of his conscience and led him to unspeakable acts. I turned my extreme anger inward and did terrible things to myself for years. I was institutionalized many times, once for three years so I do know a lot of what transpired in Tim's mind. Had I turned the rage outward, heaven only knows of what I could have been capable. I do not judge Tim and neither should any mortal man or woman. During his last weeks and months in prison, he made friends and came to some sense of culpability with regard to the bombing.
I am good friends with a woman named Julie who runs a website entitled "Death Row Speaks." On the site, a death row inmate named David Hammer writes a monthly journal and through his writings I came to understand Tim very well. He was very much liked by his fellow inmates and usually kept the mood light by joking around. He wanted to make the other men feel better and less depressed about their dire situation. I have my own site devoted to your son, giving a much different perspective on him than is widely known and believed. I get lots of positive mail from other like-minded individuals who cared about Tim, who really liked him and who were grateful that I was showing the side of your son that escaped everyone in the media. I've done a great deal of work on the site and continue to do so. I'm a published writer and am currently working on a novel centred around the spectre of the death penalty in the United States. It is my hope that, through exploring my characters and the many intricate plots within plots, people who support capital punishment will rethink their beliefs. There is a character in the book, which is tentatively entitled, "Hollow In the Final Years" who resembles Tim. There are many differences, but he was the prototype for a young, idealistic man whose misplaced rage and feelings of helplessness led to tragic consequences.
Please try not to despair too much. Just remember that Tim is up there, along with his grandfather, watching over you and coming to terms with what he did in the presence of God. As for hell, well, I don't believe there is one—this time we spend on earth is a test and is as close to any kind of hell that there is. You probably feel as if you are in some very dismal, dark and lonely place, but one day, you will be reunited with both your son and your father.
I really miss writing to Tim. I miss his quick smile, his gentle manner and his courage to go to his death like a soldier—standing proud, stalwart and strong. He didn't want to put you through the agony of the execution and I agree with him on that. I would want your last memories of Tim to be positive ones. He was not a bad or an evil person. A lot of credit must go to you for loving him so much and for feeling such terrible pain surrounding the bombing.
There is a large group of us who are lobbying to put a moratorium on capital punishment. We are not going to give up easily either. You can take some semblance of comfort in knowing that your son's death has spurred people like myself on to political activism to eventually see the death penalty fade into the sunset and no longer be practiced in your country. If it were not for Tim, I would have no website and I wouldn't be so involved in this worthwhile project.
You are a good and decent man, Mr. McVeigh. Everyone in that courtroom extended their feelings of sympathy for you. Tim talked to David Hammer about you and he let the psychiatrist who interviewed him several years ago know how much he cared for you and how concerned he was regarding your state of mind and your welfare. He never meant to hurt any of you. I know that, if he could do it all over again, Tim would not bomb the building, he would not have ended up in prison and he'd still be alive.
Keep him alive in your heart. The pain will lessen over time, but will never be erased completely. Remember Tim as that wide-eyed, kindhearted and gentle boy you helped grow up. Good people do terrible things sometimes. Cherish the happy times. Please give yourself that as a well-deserved Christmas present.
Take care, Mr. McVeigh. Please don't try to end your life before your time is due. You still have two children and they need you. But more importantly, you have much for which to look ahead and experience. Your pain will ease with time. Just remember that Tim is always with you in spirit. God bless you.
Sincerely,
jane
