Quotes From The Banalmanac

  • "I'm omnitheistic anyway, I strategically believe in everything and all dogma in order to maximize my chances for eternal survival." - WAD
  • "welcome to your ass. population: my foot." - i. andrew hall [04.29.00] to some redneck asshole for mouthing off to a very drunk bryan frey outside of wanda's strip club in montreal, canada.
  • "whoaaaa...i wonder what the people in long island, new york are like." - erika adams [04.06.00] at nation, in a drunken stupor after drinking one of the strongest long island iced teas ever made
  • "most of these "scene" people wouldn't know subversive if they were granted the great black shovel of obscurity, the keys to the den of iniquity, and a week-long vacation to bora-bora with william s. burroughs' ghost, timothy leary and the care bears." - i. andrew hall, lamenting the fuckin' fucks in the d.c. scene
  • "i'll be sure to smile like the cheshire cat while squeezing out shit-logs in public bathrooms (and my own, for that matter), just in case any evil bob saget fans are snooping 'round w/pinhead cameras in hopes of catching my grimacing mug to humiliate me for all posterity..." - i. andrew hall in response to a post in some "big-brutha is watching you" debate
  • "i like to brag about fucking the living christ out of women with my big cock. open my pants, grab a ruler, what you've got, is a big cock. there you have it, i have bragged about something true. next, interview women. lo and behold, they've been fucked hard and well. yet again, arrogance is not just a front" - WAD, deflating the pop psychology assertion that "those who can, do. those who cannot, brag about being able to do."
  • "that was annoying as hell. don't ever play anything like that again." - dj kangal, after i played "incorporeal" by pineal gland zirbeldreuse during my guest spot at catacomb.
  • "i don't want anything with any smashed beans or peas" - christian hresko, world's most finicky eater, when asked what he was in the mood to have for dinner on 3/22/99
  • "i often wonder how many anii i have ever eaten in my lifetime" - bryan frey (at el padrino in adams morgan during the consumption of chicken burritos)
  • "you're no match for a crab-pickin' marylander, fuckface!" - i. andrew hall, hurling an insult at some random foosball opponent at whitlow's
  • "we are feeling quintessentially stupid...stupid beyond the normal boundaries of dumb" - inox
  • "you sit down on a toilet seat to take a shit, you got someone asserting that you aren't shitting humbly enough, that you should use a water saver toilet. ubiquitous guilt. fuck everyone, i'm smearing my shit all over the landscape like mapplethorpe." - WAD
  • "we have established anarchy" - john at hepburn's
  • "would that be subliminal, superliminal, or just...liminal?" - scott (bane) barden
  • "you know i'm desperate for your attentions dear, to say nothing of that of your dim-witted friends who aspire to impress me with their attempts at asiatic minimalism via haiku" - d. smirniotopolous
  • "no way. that ain't how it works for me. i'm only going to be as committed as i'm gonna be. no piece of paper from a church i don't believe in or a government i don't trust to take care of me in the first place is going to make me any more committed to a personal relationship. it's all betwen me and you. period." - robin r. expressing her views on marriage
  • "brunettes generally give me boners of incomparable turgidity" - i. andrew hall
  • "yo, to the dirt? if this in any way implies a scrap, i chuckle at your excitability, your bravado, and the impending irony regarding the outcome of said bravado. peng!" - WAD, responding to an implied threat from one of the dudes in the band "chapelblaque."
  • "the argument over the serpernt being satan in genesis is just one of an innumerable amount of examples that the bible is open to (mis)interpretation. my interpretation is that it makes a good bookend for my hustler magazines." - i. andrew hall
  • "the really spooky people have no need to adopt fishnet trends, they're all running around looking quite assimilated. like me! wanna fuck?" - WAD
  • "the thing that offends me most about a lot of people is that we have to breathe the same air" - crystal hendricks
  • "...hostile to your cause? have you ever read sun-tzu? you are too insubstantial to elicit the defensiveness that causes hostility--my responses are nothing more than self amusement, deliberate fringe ridicule and psychological bullying" - WAD winning a flame war with some dude from the "technocracy" sect.
  • "this is strictly the kind of vicarious chest-beating online presence i loathe...a quadriplegic with a tooth keyboard could hide behind a modem and forge such a useless peacock persona" - WAD, during yet *another* flame war
  • "quaylescence personnified" - i. andrew hall
  • "fuck yourself, you scrawny, jaded, horse-cunt lapping, knock-kneed lackwit! the forceful ejaculations from one hundred thousand stallions couldn't quench your thirst for sperm from male animals!" - i. andrew hall, eloquently insulting some jackass who had flamed him
  • "when i was in high school, i too felt i had piercing vision beyond the cloud of dependency and puberty. i didn't. high school kids learn to do five things better than their parents, and then convince themselves that they exceed their families in both experience and knowledge. the only difference between them and an adult is that an adult knows that dumbass and godlike are on a continuum and that neither can ever be reached." - WAD
  • "everyone fancies himself the master of the bump and grind...the master loathario. thing is, i *know* i am. do you?" - i. andrew hall
  • "since i'm not fucking you and you're not my friend, what you think is of little consequence" - i. andrew hall
  • "and if you think child molesters get assfucked in jail, you should see what they do to people who bootleg ralf and florian, yo. infringement, non-stop. techno-cop." - WAD, deflecting spam from a particularly annoying dude trying to hawk .mp3s of kraftwerk.
  • "does this computer have the internet?" - random moron in CompUSA store in Towson, MD
  • "don't shoot people whose idiosynchrasies amuse you" - i. andrew hall
  • "i think i'd rather inhale unfiltered llama flatis than hear that song ***again*** in a club." - i. andrew hall, responding to a request for beborn beton's "another world" during a guest spot.
  • "that's 2/5. not even 2/3, which (according to meatloaf) ain't bad. i guess that makes us bad." - i. andrew hall, in reference to the number of talented musicians in his ex-band "GBT"
  • "the problem is that the whole "alternative" culture has provided a great way for people to mask their deficiencies and general ugliness by throwing on huge clothes and makeup and all manner of other apparel to deface themselves and, in essence, redefine popular culture to combine all the worst aspects of guess jeans pretense and homely/toughskins-type nerdware of the eighties into one big amalgam of purely atrocious bullshit" - i. andrew hall
  • "a 1998 car in 1997. the u.s. keeps amazing me, they're way ahead in technology." - mario walschaerts
  • "let him who hath underclothing reckon the number of the bust, for it is the number of a woman: her number is nine hundred three score ten and six" - WAD
  • "fuck this dualism bullshit! there are more than two sides to every issue...my unequivocally correct side and everyone else's insignificant opinion. - i. andrew hall
  • "In order to ostracize, one must be excluded from a group. Therefore, your comment meant either: a.) You unsubbed JJ as well, which would display a level of dedication to political correctness usually seen only in frothingly idealistic undergrads, b.) You didn't understand the definition, or c.) You assume that you speak for many, & that at your word the local cabal will give him a stern frowning if & when he comes out to clubs. All in all, I'd rather keep company with JJ & Chris Fox, even if you were farting doubloons & granting wishes." - inox, delivering a much-needed kick in the ding-ding to the overzealous "leader" of obscure.org.
  • "if you want to get into the sociological/economic reasons for the class schism brought on by the growth of technology and the potential biblical ties therein, that's one thing, but you just *can't* spot satan with your pocket calculator" - WAD responding to the "bill gates is satan because his name = 666 when translated to ASCII code" bullshit that was circulated in '97 or thereabouts.
  • "...that should be amuserating...that means as much or more amusing as driving a maserati through a panel of judges" - i. andrew hall
  • "down with television, down with billboards, and salesmen. down onto my hairy crotch where they can show me their sincerity by taking my shaft to make the sale." - WAD, repsonding to a spammer
  • "no crush..how can you know? you live in a town that decides to throw bombs all over the world and has presidential sperm on dresses in the whole town!" - sven togni, a friend from belgium, chastising me for teasing him about having a crush on a certain young lady
  • "Well, from my personal male perspective, I can say what I think makes a woman sexy. First, there needs to be an obviously feminine form, sufficiently curvy & nourished & obviously past puberty. There need to be no gross distortions of symmetry. Additionally, she must have a certain amount of poise. If a person carries themselves like their last crap included their soul, they aren't very appealing." - inox, on attractiveness.
  • "you rock with more power than a NASA space shuttle hitting an asteroid with hemmorhoids!" - i. andrew hall, thanking sven for finding him a rare cd
  • "I went to a Family Christian store the other day and asked if they had any copies of the Satanic Bible. They told me to get out, even though I specifically remember their Yellow Pages ad stating that they carried "Bibles of every kind"... Is the world insane?" - p. shelton
  • "some dumbness is barely tolerated because it's heavily marketed enough to be borderline trendy...when the hype goes away, that bandana around your hi-tops says asshole louder than big black's PA" - inox
  • "so when a kid falls from a high place, does he realize he's fucked or does he just think that life has sped up?" - inox
  • "if someone is going to rope art into little corrals, i'd like to see some concrete lassos for a change" - i. andrew hall
  • "wow. the guy that defined the american dream, was it someone that had been living under a rock for some centuries?" - mario walschaerts
  • "if you ever need anything like this, don't hesitate to ask. i will tell all opponents to bite dog fuck and wallow in banana creme" - the MAB, thanking me for a favor
  • "i'm so damn hungry i could chew the hemmorhoids off of a runnin' rhinocerous" - craig mcdonald, a co-worker, eloquently expressing his need for food
  • "what is a metallurgist? he is the guy who can look at a woman and tell if she is a platinum blonde or just a common ore." - raymond k. witmer
  • "face it, most people are pathetic snot-gurgling sheep who will break their own backs with anxiety-twitch if they get exposed to anything new or challenging." - chris fox
  • "if you're getting the internet, you may want to build an addition to your house, because it's so big!" - MAB, making fun of a compUSA patron
  • "At a Catholic Church, I tried to see how many times I could receive Communion... I went through the line three times before he finally recognized me... What the fuck ever happened to feeding the poor?" - p. shelton
  • "the time will come and so will i" - i. andrew hall
  • "that's vas deferential" - MAB, he asserted this loudly when something didn't go his way.
  • "can you imagine a world without hypothetical situations?" - raymond k. witmer
  • "ya gotta understand...i had a lot to drink" - slurred by WAD after he had consumed approximately 30 cans of milwaukee's best.
  • "if you lack a vagina, don't even try to impose guilt upon me" - i. andrew hall
  • "if you cram a gerbil up your ass, what is the reasonable likelihood that a cat would be willing to stick his paw up there to get to the rodent?" - inox sent me this e-query late one night after imbibing many cidery beverages.
  • "there is nothing prolific about translating the pathetic ramblings of the gramatically inept into workable federalese" - i. andrew hall, shunning a friend's attempts to make him feel good about his crappy old job.
  • "i know damned well that my sexual peak did not occur at the socially-ordained male aptitude apex of 18 years of age...good thing, too...i was fucking a sexually repressed redhead who could've become my shotgun bride had i misfired my pistol" - i. andrew hall
  • "the great thing is, if i can't use my devious tactics to ruin their accounts, i can always beat them down with my fists. it's a true to form bonafide steven covey win-win situation!" - WAD, in reference to the e-flamers he had to contend with during his tenure at towson state university, md.
  • "in the hands of an amorous partner, a ram's bladder would make a good sex toy!" - i. andrew hall
  • "just looking out for your better entrance..i mean, interests" - i. andrew hall
  • "you should romp with my friends and i...all we want is a little no-fuss, no-muss pubic hair entertwining!" - i. andrew hall, employing the most amusing line ever used to win a free drink...in the face.
  • "she's an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by a mystery and covered in a big glop of shit" - raymond k. witmer
  • "Mr. Barkett is half pizanne, half lebanese. He, and his two brothers as well, were raised in a pit in the basement alongside four rottweilers and seven pit bulls. The dogs didn't last long after teething." - cliffy-san, describing MAB's childhood to a would-be pugilist.
  • "i'm sorry i was not born with the knowledge that any idiotic thing you say is to be translated into the most intelligent alternative, which you would obviously not otherwise produce." - MAB, on his way to winning yet another flame-war.
  • "it's much cooler to offer bacchanalian sacrifices to dionysus and aphrodite than to chant mantras in a crowded holy house" - i. andrew hall