Copyright © 2002 by Syvia (Aka Rebecca K. Friedrick). All Rights Reserved.

Disclaimer: I don’t own this stuff. Other people do.

Authors Notes: If you’d like to find the entire audio dialogue for Blood Omen written down, look in the same place I found it. http://www.nosgoth.net

Kain VO- Malek’s Bastion, perched defiantly on the mountain top, black as night against the blanket of snow. What manner of man would choose a land so harsh and utterly devoid of life?

*he goes to change into a bat*

????- Na-na na-na na-na na-na,

Na-na na-na na-na na-na,

Bat-form!

Directior- Cut! Who the hell is that!?

*suddenly the camera zooms in on Dejoule and Azimuth, who look up, drop their microphones and run from the set grinning madly*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The interior was as cold and sterile as the snow outside, with empty suits of armor and sharp, cruel steel lining the walls.

*Kain examines a suit of armor, reaches up to open the visor. He jumps as the armor collapses.*

Kain- *throwing up his hands* I didn’t do it!

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

Malek- My warriors are but shadows of my skill, child.

Kain- *looks up, grabs his white hair and holds it out* Who are you calling a child?

Director- Cut! No ad-libbing!!!

*beep-beep*

Kain- Life without blood. What a tragedy!

Director- Cut. Kain, it’s not tragedy, it’s travesty.

Kain- Travesty?

Director- Travesty.

Kain- Not tragedy?

Director- No.

Kain- Don’t they mean the same thing?

Director- Not exactly.

Kain- Aren’t they close enough?

Director- *exasperated* Kain, would you just follow the script?

*beep-beep*

Malek- You try my patience, fledgling. Care to try my blade instead?

Kain- Um, no thank you- mine is bigger than yours.

Malek- Wha-? It is not!

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- A corpse held court on a tattered throne, grin-

Malek- *interrupting* It is not often that a man sees his own corpse-

Kain- *cutting him off* I wasn’t done yet!

Malek- No?

Director- No. Cut!

*beep-beep*

Malek- It is not often that a man sees his own corpse. It is a sobering experience. But I am far less interested in my own corpse-

Kain- Well, it isn’t a very interesting one, is it?

Malek- Why do you have to muck around all the time?

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- Havoc and Malice, their presence in my hands keeps me from employing magic, yet rest assured they do little to hamper my relish for slaughter.

*he tries them out, swinging in all directions, suddenly he goes into a spin, screaming as he whirls around and around*

Stagehand- I think- *Kain begins heading for a camera* he’s outta control! Run for your lives!!!

*people scatter. Kain takes out three cameras and five trees before he begins to slow down*

Kain- *stopped, but stumbling around woozily* Mummy? Can you ask them to stop the ride?... I’d like to get off- *faints*

Director- *creeps carefully back onto the set* Um... cut.

*beep-beep*

Ariel- Ah, the lord returns empty-handed. Does the Sarafan elude you? Very well, go east of Malek’s Bastion. The Oracle shall give you aid.

Director- Cut! Oh my God- did we actually shoot a Pillar scene without any of the props going haywire?

Cameraman- Sir? There wasn’t actually any film in the camera...

Director- Damnit!

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- Perhaps it was time to brave the winds, and seek out this Oracle, from the vantage point of the heavens.

Dejoule & Azimuth- *open their mouths to begin singing, but are suddenly bound and gagged by stagehands*

Director- Cut! Heh heh heh.

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The human mind is a fragile thing. One minor shock, properly timed, can render them catatonic and ripe for feeding.

*Kain, wearing a trench coat, sidles up to a human warrior. He jumps out in front of the guy and flashes him.*

*The extra gasps, pretends to have been stunned*

Director- Cut! That’s not the type of shock we meant.

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- Hidden amidst the many obscure artifacts in that museum, I discovered an ancient chronicle. This passage caught my eye: *he grins slyly and reads aloud*

“Dear Diary, I have decided to finally tell Mortanius of my feelings for him-”

Several members of the cast- WHAT? *the circle members rush onto the set, all try to grab the diary from Kain*

Bane- Who does it belong to?!

Anacrothe- Pass it over here!

*Mortanius finally snatches the book and scans the inside cover.*

Mortanius- Why Mobius- I had no idea. *he smirks*

Mobius- Whoever wrote that is going to pay!

*beep-beep*

Oracle- A nobleman? Seeking wisdom? Death has taught you well.

Kain- Enough philanthropy-

Oracle- Philanthropy? I’m not giving money away!

*Kain laughs*

Director- Cut.

*beep-beep*

Oracle- Answers indeed. I have them all if you have the questions.

And what are the questions for these answers?

Kain- *staring at his staff* You know- you might be more imposing if that was bigger.

Oracle- I beg your pardon?

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

Mobius- Pray good sir, what are the questions?

Kain- ...Is it bigger than a bread box?

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

Kain- A pox upon your tricks and babble, old woman!

Oracle- Woman?!

Kain- Uh... a Freudian slip?

Oracle- It’s the outfit, right?!

Kain- Well... it is vaguely dress-like.

Director- Cut already!

*beep-beep*

Oracle- Malek- defender of the Nine and last of the Sarafan sorcerer-priests. His vanity led to the slaughter of the Circle at the hands of the vampire Vorador.

Malek- *off-camera* Vanity?! Why you bastard!! *he charges onto the set and begins chasing after Mobius*

Mobius- Kain? A little help here?

Kain- *grinning* Why?

Malek- *Chasing Mobius around the cauldron* Oh yes, my vanity led to the circle’s slaughter! You tell me to come and guard you against a raggedy looking blue guy with wings and then say my vanity led to their slaughter?!

Raziel- *appears out of nowhere* Raggedy?! *starts slashing at Malek, allowing Mobius to run and hide behind Kain, who looks at the Time Streamer disgustedly*

Director- *bewildered* What the hell is going on here?

Vorador- *runs in as a wolf, transforms* I want a piece of him too! *starts helping Raziel*

Director- *pulls out a megaphone* CUT!!!!!!!!

*they all freeze*

Director- *puts down the megaphone* Okay- Vorador and Malek, you aren’t in this scene- Raziel, you aren’t in this game, the rest of you, get back to your places!!!

Vorador- Oh, that’s right.

Malek- My apologies.

*Raziel looks sheepish, raises his hands and disappears*

Director- *sighs*

*beep-beep*

*Kain is walking around in mist form, suddenly someone turns on a high-powered fan*

Director- What the hell are you doing!?

*Kain screams as he is blown away*

Director- Cut!!!! Someone go find him!

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The black forest reigned here, its kingdom rarely invaded by those that live in the light. But it was called home by this mysterious Vorador. Legend told of a time when Vorador defeated Malek of the Sarafan.

*Kain steps forward, passes one of the hanging ignus fatuus lanterns. He rubs his hands together, claps them. The lantern goes out.*

Kain- *looking over* What on earth? *claps his hands. The lantern snaps back on again. Kain laughs, looks at the camera*

Director- Go on, Kain, you know you want to say it.

Kain- I can’t *he smirks* it’s just too easy.

Director- *laughs* Cut!

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The sword ravages flesh with teeth of metal and flame, leaving only scorched remains.

*Kain begins fighting with a few random enemies. He swipes one with the sword and the warrior catches on fire, runs around screaming. He swipes at the other, who fails to catch on fire, but runs around screaming, oblivious. Kain looks at the camera, confused*

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

*The first warrior catches on fire, Kain swipes at the other, who dodges. Kain swipes again and stops*

Kain- Uh... *he holds up the sword, which is cold*

Warrior- *laughing* When did it go out?

Kain- Say- anybody got a light?

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- This spell allows me to enslave my enemies, giving me control of their bodies. When I release my grip, their bodies will shrivel and die, as I displace their souls, and replace them with my own.

*Kain pretends to take control of a warrior, who grins and begins a strip tease, imitating Kain’s accent*

Warrior- *singing* I’m- too sexy for my body- to sexy for my body

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

Warrior- *singing* The Phaaaaaaaantom of the Opera is there *smirks* Inside your miiiind!

Director- *smacks himself on the forehead* Cut.

*beep-beep*

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