*Kain is walking away from the pillars with the Soul Reaver in hand.  The Pillars begin to fall*

Director- CUT!!!!  Oh for the love of &^#*$%^!

Kain- What's the matter?

Director- The *$*%& Pillars are falling again!  I told the producers that if we didn't secure the *$%&% Pillars then I wouldn't direct this damn game!

Kain- Wha- THE PILLARS ARE SUPPOSED TO FALL IN THIS SCENE!!!!!!

Director- Oh... they are?

*beep-beep*

*Kain leaps over the fire at the Sarafan Lord, brandishing the Soul Reaver. But he overshoots his jump and knocks into the Lord knocking them both over the cliff*

Sarafan Lord, Kain: AHHHHHH!!!!!

Director: *&%@! CUT! Someone find out if they landed on the safety net!

*A few stagehands cut the fire effects and peer over cliff. The Sarafan Lord is lying on top Kain in the safety net*

Stagehand: You guys ok?

Sarafan Lord: I'm ok!

Kain: Someone make this guy cut down on the twinkes! He weighs a ton!

*laughter from on and off set*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO: From the shards of shattered dreams I rose, unwilling. Tossed upon tides of pain, that flowed and ebbed and left me serringly awake. And more revoltingly alive. It was then I saw her for the first time.

Umah: *she's standing there in classic Dracula garb, complete with widow's peak, funky cape and medallion around her neck* (In a Transylvanian accent) Good evening.

*Kain looks at her for a few moments and covers his face with his hand.  He begins shaking with laughter.*

*beep-beep*
 

Kain: Where am I? I...I don't remember.  *he stands and hits his head on the bed's canopy*  Ugh!

Umah: Ooh! Ow, that must have hurt.  *Kain sits down, groaning, rubs his head*

Director: Cut! Take 5 Kain.

*beep-beep*

Umah: Yes. It was said that your memory would be affect by your long slumber. That will pass, in time. I am Umah and I am here to help you. Know that your name is Kain, *she walks up to the bed* and you are my personal sex vampire. *she leers at him*

Director: Cut!!!!  Umah, that isn't in the script!

Kain: Who Bloody cares?! *pulls Umah onto the bed with him, she laughs*

*beep-beep*
 

Umah: You are in the city of Meridian. Capital of the land of Nosgoth. The land you once sought to conquer and rule. Tell me, since you remember your name, do you also remember your nature?

Kain: Of course. *Kain opens his mouth wide, showing his fangs, which slip and fall off of his his teeth.  He slaps a hand to his mouth.  Umah and the crew start laughing.

*beep-beep*

Umah: You are in the city or Meridian. Capital of the land of Nosgoth. The land you once sought to conquer and rule. Tell me, since you remember your name, do you also remember your nature?

Kain: *ad-libbing*  Well I have difficulty trusting people, I'm exploitative, ruthless-  oh!  You meant my vampirism!  *Umah rolls her eyes*

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

Umah: You were struck down, your armies defeated, scattered, and destroyed. Everyone believed you to be dead.

Kain: But I AM dead.  And so are you.

*the cast and crew begin laughing*

Director: Cut!  Okay, wrong game, Kain.

Kain: That line is classic!

*beep-beep*
 

Umah: Then let me show you the future. You have been asleep for two hundred years. In that time, this is what has become of Nosgoth.

*they step out onto the balcony and look out over a set from 'Planet of the Apes'*

Kain- Bloody hell!  That must have been a bad 200 years!

Director- Cut!  *lol*  Okay, let's get the sets back to their correct places, people.

*beep-beep*
 

Kain: I do not care for any dangers! They will fear me, do you hear! Tell me where to find the sarafan lord. I'll have him buried within the hour!

*she looks deeply into his eyes.  Kain waits for her response*

Kain- Umah...?  Umah?

Umah- *as if she's snapping out of a trance*  Hmm? Oh!  Is it my line?

Director- Cut!  Umah what was that?

Kain- *smirking*  She was mesmorized by my gaze.

*Umah blushes*

*beep-beep*

Kain- I'll have him buried within the hour!

*Umah is still having trouble answering.*

Kain- *grins briefly before getting back into character*  Looook into my eyes!

Director- Cut!  Umah?!

Umah- *shaking herself*  I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!

Director- What's going on?

Kain- Nothing, it just happens to fledglings every now and again. *he grins slightly*

*beep-beep*

Kain: *Kain puts his face close to Umah's*  I do not care for any dangers! They will fear me, do you hear! Tell me where to find the sarafan lord. I'll have him buried within the hour!

Umah: *she just looks at him for a moment, almost trance like, then turns disgusted*  May I suggest some tic tacs?  You've accumulated 200 years of morning breath. It's the only thing that saved me.

Director: *laughs* Cut!

*beep-beep*

Umah: Have you changed so much? The sarafan lord defeated you, don't you want to kill him? When you have destroyed him, you can continue your assent to power. Restore your army and rule the land at last. Does the lust for vengeance and power no longer stir you? Are you so dead?

Kain: *Just looks at her, covers his hand with his mouth, begins to laugh* Well as a matter of fact-

Umah: Oh for the love of God.  *she throws up her hands and walks away*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO: She had been in my thoughts. I almost believed I had called her myself.

Umah: (whisper) Never fear. I cannot read your thoughts, but only speak into you mind and hear yours in return. Now stop thinking to me like that, and proceed down the street.

Kain: *grinning*

Director: Cut! No fooling around with the whisper, Kain!

*beep-beep*

Umah: Welcome to the slums, Kain. We are in the oldest and mot decrepit part of the city, where few dare to come. A perfect place to train.

Kain: Train me? You take me for a dog?

Umah: Actually... *Umah produces a stick, waves it around* C'mon boy, c'mon Kain!  Get the stick boy!  *she throws it*

Kain: *just looking at her*  Not funny.

*beep-beep*

Kain: I thought you brought me here to feed.

Umah: Patience vampire. First know that you are stronger and faster than mortal men. Able to jump higher and farther than any human that ever lived. When your path is blocked, seek for a place to jump. Now join me up here.

*Kain jumps up on the first box, which shakes under his weight and the roof collapses, with Kain falling in*

Director: Cut! Someone get some better props!

Umah: *laughing* Feeling graceful, Kain?

Kain: *from inside the box* I fail to see the humor in this.

*beep-beep*
 

Kain: This place is a labyrinth.

Umah: All the better for a hunting ground. Tell me Kain, are you hungry?

Kain: Well if the clutching of the stomach, the weakness, and the asking if you were taking me to feed wasn't enough, then yes, I'm hungry!

*beep-beep*
 

Umah: I see you are restored.

Kain: *wipes his mouth on his arm-guard* I am.

Umah: *she opens her mouth and forgets her line*  *ad-libbing*  Such manners. *she smirks*  And here I thought you to be a nobleman in your past life.

*Kain chuckles*

Director: Cut!

*beep-beep*

Umah: Well done. The glyphs are operated by the Glyph Rights, a secret society existing within Meridian. You may see them working on glyphs from time to time. They rarely talk with the townsfolk and very little is known about their organs- uh- origins

Kain: Little is known about their organs?  No vampire has ever killed one of them?

Umah: Well, no, actually. *she laughs*

Director: Cut! *he sighs*  Once again, from the top of Umah's lines.

*beep-beep*

Umah: Do you want your death now?  Come, and you shall have it.

Glyph Guard: Come back!  *he goes to run after her and slips in a puddle on the ground*  Ow...

Umah: Well?  Are you coming?

*Kain laughs*

Director: Cut!

*beep-beep*

Gatekeeper: Wait! Tell Umah that I helped you, please? She promised me the dark gift if I did as she asked. You'll tell her, won't you?

Kain: I'm certain Umah will give you all that you deserve.

*Kain walks away into the tunnel, and the Gatekeepers walks away from him. Faustus leaps at the Gatekeeper when he pauses at the vent. Ducking, the gatekeeper manages to dodge the vampire's attack. Faustus, not expecting this lands wrong, and rolls right into Kain, knocking them both down the tunnel*

Faustus & Kain: AHHHHHH!!

Director: &(*^! Not again! Cut! Someone haul those vampires back here!

Gatekeeper: (sheepishly) Oops.

*beep-beep*
 
 

Kain: I'm certain Umah will give you all that you deserve.

*Kain walks away, half glancing over his shoulder to make sure Faustus doesn't knock into him again. The gatekeeper pauses at the vent once more and waits. Faustus jumps at him, but falls, landing a few feet infront of the keeper*

Director: Cut! Is that the best you can do? You're supposed to be a vampire, not a wimp!

Faustus: My head's still spinning from the fall. Give me a few minutes.

Director: For gods sake.....

Kain: *laughter echoing the in the tunnel*

*beep-beep*

*Ranmyaku and Syvia walk out and bow to the readers. Then Syvia bows to Ranmyaku, and Ramyaku bows to Syvia, then they bow to each other in unison- BONK*

Both- *rubbing their foreheads*  Owwww....

Syvia- *to the readers* Leave us some nice reviews,okay?  *starts to bow again, Ranmyaku puts her hand on Syvia's shoulder*

Ranmyaku- Um, that's enough bowing, okay?

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