| The F.U.B.A.R. Boy Scouts of Impending DOOM |
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25 25 25 25 Bio: The intercom piped in, *Willie, call for you on line 69* "Why do you always get that line." "I just get lucky... a lot. Hopefully it's that callback for the viagra commercial, they say I'm big in Estonia, but I've never been there? Excuse me while I whip this out." Banquo stepped back as Willie pulled a mobile rubber chicken from his pants. "Big Willie's Pad... Uh huh... Mkay... Well what kind of flavors does it come with... Okaaayy... How about oils and that sort of thing... weeeeelllll sometimes I like to go a little wild with it... yah... pheh... Okay... How much per Unit?... Reheheheally... Well then what do I get if I were to buy... hmmm... let's say 100,000 buckets? ... ... ... heh, No I'm serious... ... ... Sure I'll wait. Wow, only a half a mil. No problem. But, what kind of special deal do I get with it, I mean I should get some sort of prize from my cracker jack box. Especially at that price. hmmmm, I'll have to think about that... Who is going to send it over. Really?... an entire troop?... They must be pretty strong to carry all that around... About how many in this troop? 20? really? and they just lost their troopleader due to some child pornography scandal? Well then, If “I” were to become their troop leader would I get some better incentive on this deal? Really? you would knock off 10 percent. That's decent. Consider it done and send the boys over with the popcorn as soon as you can. No... Thank You..." "So what was that all about?" "I am officially a Boy Scout Leader..." "Who are the Boy Scouts? I hope their not like all those Boy Band Groups." "I have no clue, but we shall find out soon enough. Oh yeah, and I hope you like popcorn..." Personality: What would happen if the most helpful organization for helping old ladies cross the street were headed by some truly F***ed up individuals? What would happen if the Boy Scouts were funded by an insane bunch of wacko’s with a penchant for tasty popcorn? Hell has frozen over you might say. The Dodo has kicked the bucket and FUBAR is now here to stay, maybe. Regardless of your reaction, I'd bet you 3 pink ostrich feathers that you ain't letting grandma out the door by herself anymore without thinking twice. But, maybe your just like that... Almost forgot... the Letters under the name stand for "The FUBAR Boy Scouts of Impending Doom." Popcorn Selling Tactics Tactician 20 They all piled into the Rec room of the headquarters. Willie came in afterwards geared with a quasi Shakespearean Boy Scout Leader outfit on. "I'll tell you what boys, those Boy Scout Hats looked great with arrows through the head. Soooo... what exactly do Boy scouts do?" The small hand of cub scout went up. "We sell popcorn!" "Really? And what do you get for selling this high priced, novelty, "I think I'm helping a youth group" but actually I'm just helping "The Man" bring me down to his level, grains of primitive agriculture in a bucket?" Blank stares were all that could be seen from that long run on sentence. One lone Life scout spoke up. "We get some cool prizes for selling a lot of stuff?" "Ooooohhhh... Prizes!, lemme see what we can get!... hmmm... Swiss army knifes... flashlights... oooo, I've gotta get me one of those cool tents!!! WE HAVE TO GET THE BIG TENT! That one right there with the entertainment system and the built in generator! It's like a travel size Holiday Inn! The only way to camp!!! So how much Popcorn do we have to sell for that?" "Twenty Thousand..." "Dollars?" "No, buckets of popcorn..." "Hmmm... that's kind of a hard quota for 20 of you. 1,000 a piece. Well, might as well get started... How do you usually ask for people to buy?... " They all piped in at one time... "Would you like to order some Boy Scout Popcorn?" "Nooo... that won't do... the key is to ask; *How many buckets of popcorn do you want?* It therefore bypasses one question all together and forces them to answer by at least saying yes to one bucket! You all must learn the ways of selling the product to the audience. And to that there is no other pro more suited to teach than myself... Listen and learn..." Be Prepared Commander superior 50 So, this is your motto huh? Do you ever stray from being prepared? "Nope" Well, good then you should all be prepared for taking a little test in being prepared. "Yes Sir" I'll start out with a couple questions. What are you? "The Boy Scouts, troop 666!" So what are you in FUBAR terms? "The F.U.B.A.R. Boy Scouts of Impending DOOM!" Good, I like the emphasis on doom, it'll help you with up coming battles. Now, what are you wearing? "Boy Scout Uniforms!" Now, think FUBAR? "Constants of fleeting faith within an organization based on selling popcorn and giving youth false hopes and dreams of ever being able to go camping after college if we even get there!" Good. Now, Who is Your Archenemy? "The MAN" In FUBAR terms? "The Disrespecting corporate yuppies that pull our strings in this organization that watch us from afar in their beach side condos while we sell agricultural goods to the world at sadistic prices!" Good... In need of a Scoutleader Commander superior 50 Why are you here? "Because we need a Scout Leader!" In FUBAR Terms? "Our sociopathic, ass grabbing, wanton, pedophilic, excuse for a Leader was sent to the slammer to become someone else’s bitch!" Good, Now... Why am I your leader? "Your Funds and Deeds are great in the minds of our parents so they get rid of us cause they're too lazy to actually spend some quality time with those that they birthed." In FUBAR terms? "Because you give us Candy!" Good, Now what do you do when you face an opponent? "Be prepared for anything that can come our way and work as a group to overcome our foe!" Now, FUBAR? "Light their shoes on fire, pull their underwear over their heads, sucker punch them until they fall, and leave the weak and helpless behind do die in dishonorable shallow graves!" GOOD, I believe your ready to be unleashed onto Khazan! 12 degrees of Scouting Closed Mind 20 "A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent." So you all have this thing memorized already huh? "Yes sir!" I'd like to add something to the end if you don't mind. "Are you sure? Our last scout master didn't follow the rules and now he's incarcerated for 10 years." No, it's not that serious, I'd just like to add "To FUBAR" at the very end of what you've memorized, it shouldn't be that hard, right, and you have to be all those things to something,? "OK Scout Master Willie!" The Oath & The Promise Immunity Mind Control 25 Good Morning Boy Scouts! "Good Morning Scout Master Willie!" Repeat after me, I promise not to bully my friends. "I promise not to bully my friends." I promise not to break wind without immediately saying doorknob! "I promise not to break wind without immediately saying doorknob!" I promise not to depreciate non-taxable items brought forth from the previous tax year! "I promise not to uhh.... ummm..." Good! and now we shall repeat the non conformists oath! I promise to be different! "I promise to be different!" I promise to be uniquely FUBAR! "I promise to be uniquely FUBAR!" I promise not to repeat things other people say! "......" Good! Basketweaving 101 Iron Will Standard 25 Why the hell are you doing this you might ask? Well, it's the easiest merit badge here in the book! The point of the matter is to get as much stuff out of the Boy Scouts of America Fund that we possibly can before we have to resort to violence. So, naturally, Basketweaving is the first step. The second step might be leatherworking. It might be the weather badge, you just look at the sky all day. But, remember I will only sign you boys off on the requirement books that I have modified for our own special FUBAR use. Don't worry, I've received all sorts of permission. So pass ye the wicker all around, we're going to go for a record in amount of merit badges done in one day... Have Compass, will travel Radar standard – 5 Power in item weakness - endless caves Now, you all are telling me that your can find your way anywhere with just a map and a compass? "Yes Sir!" You boys haven't had any problems? "Caves are really hard to go through cause we only have topographical maps." Anything Else? "Well there was that one time Chad almost fell off a cliff cause he was holding his compass too close to his neckerchief which really screwed up the magnet in the compass." So all of you haven't experienced the joy in getting lost and asking for directions? "No Sir!" Interesting... Do you have any more special skills that I should know about? Swiss Army Knives of DOOM Weapons Creation 30 power in item Totin Chip? We don't need no stinkin' Totin Chips. Besides you've gone through so many of those damn cards already, that, you guys started taking out those damn leaders that ripped the corners off. That's why I'm here now. Our special LotFU sensei will now train you in the ways of not only using the corkscrew in the most useful way possible but he might actually teach you the sacred art of tweezer throwing. And now... Sensei Kung fu master Bob!!!!!!”…“(Dubbed) Much thanks given Scout Lead Willie…Now…all you young boys, you think with short sword instead of brain! I now teach you how to use brain more usefully with use of knife!”…“Uh…Sensei…what’s the difference between our short sword and our knife?”…“(Dubbed) Sorry I am, young ass-bopper, Wang envy joke are Willie’s department. Now, to begin, we must first understand. Listen closely…” (Cue Oriental-style Flashback music, pan camera to black and white dojo in the Swiss Alps [In black and white]…cue voice overs) Once, long long ago, there was a Swiss Ninja Master…”…“Sir, I thought Ninjas were Japanese.”…“(Dubbed) Quiet fool! Now, the Ninja Master was a foolish man, and would constantly brag how he defeated any challenger, under any circumstances. Fond of his short sword, this man could defeat any man…however, one day, a new challenger emerges. This challenge is boy who says he will only use one weapon. The two agree to duel…”…“The boy got killed right!”…“No young ass-bopper, he survived and was victorious…for you see, he had a weapon that had been unseen until that night by any man except him, and for good reason! It was a weapon that held many facets and names. This weapon could slash like a Nodachi, stab like a Rapier, Skewer like a Yari, and in the possession of a vigorous youth, it could defeat a Ninja Master…it was a strange weapon that forever was is named after the boy that used it…He was… “Swiss Army Boy”, the hero that was a One Man Army, and thus his fabled weapons is called: The Swiss Army Knife.” (Pan back to scouts and Sensei)…“But Sensei Kung-Fu Master Bob, The Swiss Army knife was invented by…”…*GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG*…“(Dubbed) I see my wisdom has had its impact, sending you sprawling over the floor. Remember that lesson, The Swiss Army Knife is mightier than the pen is mightier than the sword is mightier than the Phallus symbol, but the Gong is mightier than all!” Neckerchief of DOOM Reflection standard 20 Power in Item Multi use Okay... Now what’s the point of this splash of red around your necks, and this metal clasp thing, what does that do? "We just wear it." And why is that? "Cause everybody else does?" Oooohhh, so if everybody else decided to eat those damn marshmallow Peeps then wash it down with a gallon of Banana Quick while jumping off a cliff like Chad almost did there, you would too? "No Sir!" Lemme see this thing...hmmm... light, could be a choking hazard, but also could be used to thwack people in the buttocks...hmmm... Alright everyone, we're going to do our next 2 merit badges... Bullet Deflection, and Buttock Thwacking! "Oooooo" And to teach you the sacred art of these two merit badges we turn to... "Not Sensei Bob again... He didn't make any sense!" No, not Bob, we turn to LotFU Student Dave!!!:…(Mixed applause, someone is heard to mutter “Please Dear God tell me he doesn’t have a Weird Gong Effect…)… “Howdy! Thanks for the welcome. Don’t worry, I studied under the Dual Masters of Sensei Kung-Fu Master Bob and Sensei Ninjitsu Master Rob…although really they should be called “Dueling Masters”…“Uhhh…so your lips match what your saying?”…“Usually, it just means I don’t have to dub all the time, however due to my Ninja training, I have to randomly say things in Fanboyese.”…Ooooooh!…“Hai! Now, let us begin! First, you need the proper reading material!”…“Reading material?”…“Aye! Exercise your brain, lest ye be Baka-yaro!”…“(mutters of acceptance.)”…“Here, pass these around. The books you will be reading include ‘An Idiots Guide to Deflecting Bullets’, ‘Whoa, By Keanu Reeves’, and ‘The Secret Technique of Ninja Bullet Deflection’!”…“Sir, the only thing it says in ‘Whoa’ is ‘There is No Spoon’ and ‘That was a Most Totally Bogus Adventure Bill!’… “Eh, it was recommended. Now, I get to demonstrate what you’ll be able to do after reading countless pieces of literature! Can I borrow your Neckerchief?”…(Boy Hands LotFU-Student-D his Neckerchief and Slide.)…“Good…Good…”…(Begins Kata [You know, the part where they slice and dice and throw around their weapon, looking extremely cool and badass while doing so AND screaming unpronounceable phrases in Japanese?])… “HOOHAH! MITSUBISHI-GALLANT! Activate Sentry Guns!”…(LotFU-Student-Dave is now Swinging Neckerchief at lightning speeds like Nunchaku in the face of a fully automatic burst of machine-gun fire.)…“As…you can…[breathes in]…see, when you fully learn the art of Deflecting bullets, you will be able to do THAT! …Errr…sorry Banquo…”…(Banquo shrugs)…“Fugettabout it, I’m already dead!”…“That’s a relief. Now kids, after reading those books, you SHOULD be able to deal with your basic small-arms fire, not much else…but a little time, and a little practice and you might someday be pretty damn good…”…(Hands boyscout his Neckerchief, which appears to be full of holes and has a bent slide.)… “One word of advice, your Lethal weapons you hold around your neck are very resilient…just don’t lose the slide.” …(A Den chief pipes up)… “That’s true for all occasions Tenderfeet. If you don’t have a slide for your neckerchief, you look like THAT guy…and that isn’t good.”…(Everyone looks at little Billy in the corner, who lost his neckerchief slide and was forced to knot his neckerchief to keep it on, and looks incredibly stupid.)…“What, the damn things are hard to keep track of!”…(LotFU-Student-Dave shakes his head in sadness)… “No young ass-bopper…if you were a Ninja, you would be close to Seppukku at this moment. I have known many a Japanese Boy Scout who has fallen in battle because he could not find his neckerchief slide. How do you think the Napoleonic Ninja fell in battle?”… “There are Japanese Boyscouts? REALLY? NAPOLEONIC NINJA WAS A BOYSCOUT!!!” (Boy scouts are yelling excitedly)… (LotFU-Student-Dave’s eyes wander, searching for an escape)… “Uhhh, yeah…BYE!” (Throws smoke bomb into the ground and vanishes into the night. Leaving the Boy Scouts to practice deflecting Handgun bullets and wonder…) Everyone looks good in Tan. Force of Will Standard 20 So, do you boys ever wear a different color, I mean those earthy colors are very rugged but it doesn't really do anything to bring out your eyes at all. "We did wear Blue in Cub scouts but the Tan makes us feel cooler." But do they offer some sort of protection for you, is there any purpose for the uniforms. "Well, there's our sashes too." Yes...yes... I know you like the green on tan combo, all of you are in it. "I guess it gives us a better sense of security." Ahh, now that is good reason! The Trusty Handbook Spellcraft standard 35 Wow... that is a good read... Hey Banquo come over here and look at this book! Look...look...see it's got an encyclopedia in the back that can bring you to all the good stuff. Like how to start a fire, make a bear trap, and even survive out in the wild with only this book and a Swiss army knife... "Whoa" Now you all are telling me that you've all received one of these books already and have read and been taught most of this stuff? "Yes sir!" Wow, there's a load off. Now all I have to do is possibly do the birds and the bees talk for some of you fatherless boys. "Our last scout master did that already, that's why we're with you here." Hmmm, he must have taught the abridged version… |