Headquarters

The FUBAR Experience
The HQ

Imagine your in the Misty Vale, strolling along, and then a tower shoots up in front of you! The thing is immense! Then you notice that the building looks very phallic, almost Vibrator like in appearance after the 5th floor. You walk closer and you see the parking area which leads to the front doors which are presently being repaired by handimen for the door was kicked in some time ago. You walk into the building and speak to the receptionist who promptly gives you a map of the entire HQ from the first floor up. This is what is seen:

The Floors
First Floor - Main Lobby and Waiting room area.
Security Desk, and big red phone.
The FUBAR Gift Emporium.

2nd through 4th floors - The FUBAR offices
5F - The FUBAR Archives
6F - Crowded Firehouse
7F - The Sloth Security Office
8F - The LotFU Dojo Bar and Grill-
Charging into the closed door, Hundreds of Thousands of Ninja, Sensei Kung-Fu Master Bob, and LotFU-Student-Dave entered the LotFU Dojo/Bar and Grill for the first time.

The layout was standard Dojo style. Very plain, with swords and other weapons on the walls and in other places. In back, there was a waiting line for Ninja who desired to be seated, and the Honorable Stealth Assassins/Waiters would ask them their orders using secret coded messages as they were placed on their tables...clandestine like...codes most worked by the location of the menus at the table on the table at the diner's arrival, and the position and location of the menus on the Ninja Waiter's return (Hmmm...Nameless Ninja #1004 thought...Two open menus and a half drank glass of water, only 3 cubes of ice remain...That would be a set of California Sushi Rolls and a glass of Sake...pronounced SAA-KAY)...however, it was very rare that you EVER saw either a waiter or a diner. In fact, nothing would move until you stopped looking...and it would appear silent and empty the minute you turned back to look. This assumes you are not a Ninja, and therefore must not be allowed to see Ninja of course. If you are not Ninja, I cannot tell you what actually happens when you are not there. On a different end of the Dojo/Bar and Grill, there was a Stage and a Karaoke machine setup. The only time your eyes do not fool you in the Dojo/Bar and Grill is when LotFU-Student-Dave is up practicing his Karaoke...thats when the place REALLY IS empty. In back were the kitchens and managerial offices. The clientele for the Dojo/Bar and Grill was quite enormous. Every clan agreed that the Clan of a Thousand IOUs had the best food on Khazan, most likely because the Clan of The Lost Secret Sauce could never quite find their fabled Secret Sauce...it was said that if they ever found it, they would reclaim the mastery of the Culinary Arts...but that is merely legend. The lone doorway that had been before had changed into 4. The Dojo/Bar and Grill was now disguised as a set of restrooms. The First door showed a Ninja Stickfigure (Otherwise said, a blank sign) the second door showed a Female Ninja Stickfigure (Otherwise said, a blank sign, but Ninja could tell the difference in stickfigures) a third that had a sign with the FUBAR logo printed on it, written below "NOBODY EVER EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"

The Final entrance had a stickfigure of a man with a gun pressing his body against a wall as he peered around a corner...this sign was labeled "INTRUDER". It should be noticed that what was behind this door was actually a set of Miniguns in back near the service entrance, a bottomless pit full of spikes in front of that, with blade shooter traps on the right and left wall...and a pre-progammed voice recording of the Wisdom of Sensei Kung-Fu Master Bob with Hidden LotMU Combat Grade Battle Gong set to "Enlighten with the Utmost Prejudice."

9F - Nai's Room -
Again Nai concentrated on the door, this time putting his hand on the proper spot. As they both watched silver lettering appeared around the doorway saying "Fear all ye who enter here!" Nai nodded in approval and opened the door. A gigantic spike of unkown origin and make exploded from the doorway slamming into Nai's shoulder and causing him to look down at it. "OOh, now that would'a hurt." Seconds later the very same spike dissapeared as Nai investigated the contents of the room. "Impressive" was all that DD had to say. "Well what do you expect? It's born from our combined imaginations, and lack of sanity, made only more powerful by lack of sleep. But something doesn't feel right..." Nai and his companion exited the room to stare at the door. After another few moments of thought Nai and DD looked at each other and nodded. Reaching out, Nai grabbed the door by the frame and pulled it off the wall. He then proceeded to walk around 'till he found a cul-de-sac. Nai planted the door right in the middle of the open area. Tha accomplished Nai once agai opened the door, and entered taking a not earned at all rest.

Description of Nai's room: It was raining. The room itself appeared circular, but nothing like any room most people would think of. To begin with, there was no ceiling, just a sky where a perpetual gloom could be seen. Most of the pit, as it could have been taken for from the sky, appeared to be made of granite. There was an irregular hole in the direct center of the room, filled with water and lit by mood lights from down below. A bed floated lazily in the middle of this pool and swated slowly back and forth with the water. Along one wall could be seen a big screen TV, a DVD/VCR, and an unusually large wall of anime. Continuing to scan the wall, what can be found is a fully stocked Open air kitchen complete with flowing cold soda. Still scanning one's surroundings what can be found is what appears to be a work station, already surrounded by bits and pieces of metal and mechania. At a desk there is a highly polished computer that looks more frankenstien than he did. Finally ending ones view of this bizzare sleeping quarters ones eyes linger upon what appears to be a statue of four people holding hands to the raining sky. Upon it reads "To my friends, whom I will track to the bowls of hell if I must!"

10F - The Laboratory of Dr. Caraway and ThiGMOO
ThiGMOO (and Dr Caraway) approach the door. As ThiGMOO puts his hand on the handle, the door frame chages to black marble, shot through with veins of Jade. The door itself becomes a pitch black slab of ebony, with a handle forged from brass in the shape of a Dragons head.

ThiGMOO steps through the door, into what resembles an alchemists laboratory crossed with an 18th century study. A selection of glassware that looks as though it was created in the finals of the 'Burping Glass Blowers Modern Art Contest' is arrayed along a bench next to the far wall, with various lotions and potions bubbling inside. A window on the right hand wall shows a view of desolate moorland, with a herd of camels stampeding across the slopes. As ThiGMOO listens, he can faintly hear the theme tune of Black Beauty. In the opposite wall, a small fire is burning in a stone fireplace, the flames casting a flickering light throughout the room.

In the four corners of the room, various statues stand. Two gargoyles, both with wings, occupy the farthest corners, while the two corners to ThiGMOO's immediate left and right are taken up with the wooden figures of African tribesmen. Both tribesmen are naked, apart from a loincloth, and are clutching carved rubber chickens in their fists. Looking closer, ThiGMOO realises that both tribesmen are on pogo sticks.

In the centre of the room sits a writing desk. Made from Old stained wood, it is lit by a pair of dribbly black wax candles that stand in brass holders at the corners. A staright backed leather chair sits at the desk, where a pile of parchment and a quil attest to the fact that this is a room for work.

11F - WereGecko Pad and Smoothie Central
Will's eyes widened as he entered. The room was... a really big hollowed out strawberry. Pan-Galactic-Gargle-Blaster-Makers were scattered about by conveniently regenerating clumps of berry goodness on the walls. a bowl of mangoes for multiple-fruit smoothies sat in the middle of the room. A massive screen filled one end of the berry, with a small label saying, 'Phoenix', in the upper left corner. Will ran up and flipped the switch. A blond, very nerdy-looking technician appeared onscreen, his back to a large room with numerous insane inventions. He waved and turned to a monitor on his side, resuming typing. Will flipped the switch back. He turned to the blur and looked hopeful. It seemed to nod.

12F - KiZeR Land (kinda like Disney Land with a twist of the head!)
KiZeR woundered through corridor after corridor until he was confident nobody was following him. Dusty, moldy and dry it smelled like a cross between an old basement and a suana. Finally, he turned to his right and saw a door. On the door to the room where the words, "Losers Ahead". When he entered, a blade swished through the air, and must surely would have chopped his head off, had he a head on his shoulders (For as you now know, KiZeR's head is in the clouds). Sweet scented candles filled the empty space with the odor of cinnamon and spice. Clapping his hands 3 times, holograms of a miniature city, with buildings and streets and tiny little pedestrians no more than two inches tall inch tall filled the room. Suddenly, a 6 foot tall Godzilla-ish looking monster appeared, followed by a flying 3 headed robot. They started to fight each other, destroying every holographic building they touched. With that, KiZeR screamed "DAI-KAIJU BATTLE ROYALE!" and joined the battle. An hour latter, the entire holographic city was reduced to rubble and all 3 lay on the ground exhausted. "That's a good workout for today." With that, he pulled the zipper on one of the monsters revealing his sparing partner to be Itchy, the blind masseur/gunslinger. The flying 3 headed monster was a puppet being controlled by the Pastor of Muppets, a.k.a. Gonzo. The holograms disappeared, and Unchained Melody started playing over the loudspeakers. Various furniture and instruments entered the room from their trap door hiding places, among them an inflated chair, a mini-fridge with a George Foreman grill, Denise Richards in a bikini chained to a black leather sofa, a mad scientist's alchemy set-up and a flat screen 36" TV. Below was a VCR which kept perfect time (truely, KiZeR's greatest achievement). "Who's hungry?" asked KiZeR. All raised their hands. "I made a stew. Its got beef, potatos, yams and carrots." With that, Gonzo launched himself ar KiZeR, beating him with a carrot while preaching the holiness of *God's Root*. "Ack, I'm sorry! But, they're so tasty! Ack! Ok, ok, how about hamburgers? Good?" So hamburgers were made. All rejoiced as they covered their burgers with maple syrup. All, save for KiZeR, who remembered his head was far far away, and thus, had no mouth to eat with.

13F - The Unlucky Lucky Recreational Floor of please hold for DOOM!
"Ah, there it is." KiZeR's head, floating in the clouds above could see through the walls of FUBAR's HQ, and had just found the rec. room. It was about 40 feet ahead of his body, the second door on the left. The room had everything a bored, mentally unstable person could ask for. Three ping pong tables, racketball, basketball courts, a pool table, a crooked pool table with oval balls and only 1 hole (for FUBAR billiards, of course), and even a 100 yard by 80 yard atreum for a game of Calvinball. But KiZeR had had his daily exersize already, and shunned these activities in favor of a corner near the back, just passed the Bleach bar. This is where the FUBAR arcades were to be found.

"Hmmm... Super Mario Sistas, Bionic Commando (which has a glitch preventing the game from ever being beaten), Bad Dudes, Gamblor (a gambling machine that steals people's souls), Pac Man, Pac Man-iac, Dance Dance Revolution 666th edition..." It was practically a museum of classic 80's video games, along with their FUBAR spin offs and a few new titles. One game caught his eye. He sat in the chair and inserted 2 quarters.

14F - The Missle Command and Arcade Defense Center!
And Thus, a new room was connected to the Rec Room. This room was full of computers...
Each computer had installed upon them, 1 copy of Starcraft, with Brood War Expansion. 1 copy of Red Alert 2 with Yuri's Revenge Expansion. 1. Copy of Counter-strike. 1. Copy of Worms Armageddon. 1. Copy of Genjox...and 1 copy of a Net-based Version of LIERO!!!
To any man who has never been to a Lan-based gameroom/party, let it be said that Several hours of Lan battling is one of the most entertaining things known to MAN!
Adjacent to this room were three others. One held Dan/The Devouring One's crap. You see, Dan had two people within him. Dan, overweight, evil, intelligent, humorous...and lethal. Then, The Devouring One. Gargantuan, Evil, Homicidal, Destructive, Possessed of Animal Cunning, Ruthless. Needless to say, the two hate each other and are highly offensive, only agreeing on ONE thing: Magic The Gathering RUUUUULES! Simply put, his room is full of Really Dark and Evil S--t...many an Unspeakable horror (Such as his Flatulence) reside in this unholiest of unholy rooms...well, okay, the room is Holy, he had some fun perforating the area using several weapons, but its NOT Holy, as in of Divine Shiznit.
Will, The Joke assassin. Ahh yes, he is a cunning bastard, full of cunn and cunnfulness...His Cunning Bastardness knows no bounds. He has the ability to make Almost anything become INSTANTLY Unfunny...The Only men to escape his deadly touch would be Wiseass Dave and Dan/TDO! Thus, he constantly searches for a way to destroy them even as he acts as their not-quite-ally.
His room is grey...nothing creative, it looks like some kid's bedroom from an old Black and White Sitcom...
And finally, the axis on which the trio pivot...or fulcrum...or something equally somehow important and asinine (Note: As-i-nine: Definition 2: Of relating to, or resembling an ass)
...Wiseass Dave...the Commander of his MIGHTY ARMY OF ONLY THE DEADLIEST PIXELS! SOMETIME SPRITER AND PHOTOSHOP DUELIST! MASTER COMEDIAN OF DISASTER! His room: His room on earth cloned and placed in the FUBAR HQ, complete with Window View which can be set to almost anywhere where FUBAR Security reaches.
In the center of this trio of rooms which are connected together to form a triangle formation, is the room they all connect to. MISSILE COMMAND AND ARMORY CENTRAL!
In the said room is a round-the-clock shift of pointless and melodramatic government workers who are constantly screaming and yelling about how "We Aren't Leaving That Man Behind!" And, "Its COMING! WE HAVE TO STOP IT NOW! THIS IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!" And finally, "DEFCON 1, I REPEAT, WE ARE NOW AT DEFCON 1!"
Actually, they're all bored out of their minds...their favorite part of the day is when the Trio call them and ask them to do certain...work.
Namely, the firing of Wiseass Dave's Humerous and Overly Phallic ICBMs, for all those times when you need to BOMB THEM an overly gratuitous and large (Not to mention redunt) amount. (Note, the said missiles somehow Exit through the top of the FUBAR HQ...)
In a special subchamber...is the Arsenal. This is where the trio keep their specialized weaponry...Weapons so mighty and great, that each one requires its own special room to contain the power of their Plot Device Generators!
Who are these men, who call themselves Wiseass Dave, Dan/TDO, and Will, The Joke Assassin?
THEY ARE...THE WORLDS WORST COMEDY TEAM, THE THREE MUSKRATTEERS, THE DESPERADODOS...
THE THREE STOOGES OF THE APOCALYPSE!!!

15F - The Recreational Room Computer Core
It was the closest room to the center besides Missile Command.
It was the one room no one had thought to go to.
First, there was nothingness...
Then, there was Insufficient light.
Then, there was mild cursing, and Nearly Sufficient Light came.
Finally, there was loud cursing, and True Light came.
This was a room like no other.
This was the FUBAR HQ Computer Core.
At the right of the center, the inner defensive system. An arcade Machine, The original NES Contra was its programming.
From now on, any attacking intruder would be forced to combat corridors that would transform to grey, 8-bit Textures, the Contra Base levels theme (8-bit of course), and hundreds of armed guys that were easily killed with one hit. However, the intruders could also be killed with one hit, depending on their stats, they would recieve multiple lives with which to battle.
To the Left of the center, a control output for the Vending Machine system. Lets face it, no mighty HQ was ever complete without a proper vending machine system. There were many HQ's out there that had improper vending machines, thus their users teams folded, for the simple reason: They starved to death because they couldn't eat.
Several other monitors and computers filled the room, mostly for atmosphere.
At the very center, it was all wired to the main computer core.
A bleeding rubber chicken that had a sword run through it.
Wiseass Dave nodded. His work here was done.

16 - 19F -

20th - 25th Floors - Gan's Play Area
Gan peered about the expansive emptiness. The huge room had black walls, black tiles, black lights, and even black sheets, pillows, and drapes for her four-post bed. A large bookshelf covered the west wall, spanning about 200 yards of space and 30 feet up. She proceeded directly to the shelf and pulled down a book the size of her whole body. She dumped it on the ground and peered at the cover. The words were a bit too hard for her 9 year old brain to read through the distractions of Fuzzy and Wuzzy, her bestest friends in the WHOOOOOOLE world! She pndered a moment, then yelled REALLY loud.

26F - 29F -

30F - Internal Enemy Floor. Security Alert Issued, See Fic for more Details

31F - 45F-

46F - The trio moved to an unclaimed room, placing their hands on the Doorknob...and the Realm-changer was born.

The Realm Changer, the room with the ability to change a man to a creature/man/entity from a different realm that has a similar makeup. After choosing which creature you disire to become, that creatures tools, weapons, armor, and arcana are presented to you for your use.

47F - 57F

58F - The FUBAR Mall

59F - 64F -

65F - FUBAR Radio
ThiGMOO's head appears through the floor of the new room he's discovered. There's no sign of the mystery voices he heard before (literal translation, I had a better idea when I was drunk), although they can still be heard in the distance. By the sounds of things, the owners of the voices are steadily walking away from ThiGMOO. Which is no bad thing, as ThiGMOO really doesn't want to share his lollypops.
Dragging himself into the room, ThiGMOO looks round. Not being all that good at technology (or dressing himself, for that matter), it takes ThiGMOO a while to recognise what he sees. Suddenly, comprehension dawns....
"Wow. I'm so glad I got here first. That way I get to play with all these switches before anyone else does"
Seating himself on a plush leather chair, ThiGMOO flicks a few switches at random, before spying a small blue book:
"Manual. Hmmmmm, this could be useful. I way well have a brain that operates three days behind everyone else's, but this is important." Our intrepid hero returns his lolly to his mouth as he begins to read, every so often stopping to think about a big word that he doesn't understand. A short while later, all is ready. Carefully looking at the manual (which is now covered in sticky fingerprints, and seems to have a banana skin lodged between pages 4 and 5 as a rudimentary bookmark), ThiGMOO presses some buttons, flicks some switches, and pokes a small piece of cheese into a mouse hole in the skirtingboard. Picking up some headphones, he puts them on his head, leans forward, and opens his mouth......
"Good evening, and welcome to Radio FUBAR!!! For the next two hours, or until I decide to go and find something else to do, I am your host, DJ ThiGMOO. For your listening pleasure today, we have some classic old songs. "Comedy Noises Volume 2, a superb work, featuring some particularly good work by Docnfoid during the exploding duck chorus, is up next. But first, that oldy but goody, former number 32 and a half, spent 48 weeks in the chart, it's Fuzzy, Wuzzy, and Gan with "I may have a lisp but I also have a bat"! Yay!"
'I may have a lisp but I also have a bat,
Get up my nose and I'll pound you till your flat.......'
As the amazing sounds echo out from FUBAR HQ, to cut across every radio frequency in Khazan, ThiGMOO leans back in his chair and grins, twirling his lollypop between his fingers. At the edge of his hearing, he can just make out a lisping voice screaming his name......
"Someone's not very happy......oops!"
Hope you don't mind me borrowing the bears briefly JUSTICE. I just thought the idea of a teddy with a lisp and a mob mentality releasing a comedy single was funny. Feel free to gain revenge in which ever non fatal manner you see fit.
67F - The SoM Museum, and "John's Pain and Waffles"
--NOTE: To enter the museum, you must first purchase Pain or a delicious waffle.
68F - Sloth's Shag Pad

69F - The Haunt Headquarters - managed by Banquo
Touching the wall an elevator appeared. He took off his shoe and pushed the open button with his big toe. The doors wheezed open and smoke enveloped the area. Banquo entered.

"Top floor... 80's hairband style..."

Motely Crue began to play on the elevator as Banquo put on his sunglasses as the doors closed shooting the elevator upwards in a Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure style. Reaching the top floor the doors creaked open letting the loud music fill the room. Many ghostly heads turned as Banquo entered covered in rich royal robes toting a peculiar weapon to his side. All took their seats around the very large circular mahogany table located in the center of the room. The haze in the room began to clear to reveal very baroque architectural insides. Angles of steelwork jutted out in a circular pattern from the center of the room. The chairs were designed to fit the time of whichever ruler that sat in them. Obviously all were thrones and made of large amounts of gold and silver. Banquo was silent as he looked out his favorite stainglass window.

The Decks
1st Deck - Meeting Room and HQ Bridge. This is like the Meeting Area Holodeck.
You are on the first subterraen Deck of this headquarters. Everything above is the offices, and dormitory rooms that you have assigned and seem endless. If you wish to create more rooms you may do so, but make sure you leave some floors available for anyone else that might join in.

2nd Deck - 22nd Deck - BWHQD Acid Warfare Central

23rd Deck - 24th Deck - Living Areas
25th Deck - Ventilation Deck
26th Deck - 46th Deck - BWHQD Vibration Control Central

47th Deck - 50th Deck - Living Areas
51st Deck - Ventilation Deck
52nd Deck -67th Deck - BWHQD - Subterrean Travel Central

68th Deck - Ventilation Deck
69th Deck - Big Willie's Shag Pad