Horoscopes Back Log

Pre Site Glich Virgo Get your naked butt off of the copy machine and do something artistic. Like create a religious painting out of poo, attempt to show it at the Brooklyn Museum, and create political and social havoc in New York. Like they didn't need more press as it is... Keep aiming high unless it's at the toilet. The usual right down the center is fine for that. Capricorn Clean out your room!!! You know it's a mess, not only would your mother yell at you for it but even your friends are seeing the messiness of your ways. Go out and buy a useless piece of exercise equipment and become a statistic of yet another phenomena of cool toys that gather dust in a basement or corner of the room. Sagittarius You might be in for a surprise this week involving your head being impaled on a medieval pike. Don't fret over it though cause it means you'll probably end up in some really cool movie with a well-known actor playing you, about freedom or something. Glory is cool, even if your body has been sent in 5 pieces around a country. Whatever happens, be sure to write in your will: "the Royal Shakespeare Company has the right to use my decaying skull in future performances of Hamlet." Cancer Judging by the position of Jupiter I see a very interesting look on your face when you realized that the night before you got so drunk that somehow you are now wearing clothing from and of the opposite sex. Prevent this from happening by a simple phrase: "just say no". Gemini Go out and take a picture of something, anything. Look at it for a while. Now look at it and put your mind in the gutter. Write down what you think, print it out, and give it to your teacher and/or boss. This is your week to be productive. Invest in Caffeine. Leo For some reason you feel the need to pamper your appearance this week. Don’t. People will look at you very strange and think your trying to hide something from them. Attempt to find God. Literally. Stop reading this post. Get off this computer and go outside and find him. He’ll give you a better horoscope than I can. Libra If you keep having the same dream about shogun warriors and knights in medieval times duking it out I suggest staying away from the post regarding this subject. Get into a pointless political argument with someone that knows more than you on the subject. Finding a subject shouldn’t be hard. Tell this person that you were just testing him or her when the argument runs out of steam. Walk away triumphantly saying, “That’s why I’m not a Poli Sci major”… If you are then ignore this last part and wallow in your stupidity. Taurus Pick up a stone from off the ground. Look at it thoughtfully. Put all your anger, fear, anxiety, and problems into the stone. Throw the rock behind you over your shoulder. Feel all of those problems melt away. It’ll be an added bonus if you actually hit the thing that causes all those problems. Pisces The stars are right for you to totally confuse someone today. This could mean going up to your boss and exclaiming “You’re Fired!” or handing all of your assignments in extremely early to your most loathsome teacher. Pride yourself on your ability to wreak havoc. It is a trait that many look over. Scorpio Get some flying ace goggles and a scarf. Make a rubber stamper of an animal with an X through it. Drive around the countryside with your head out the window and pretend the road is a battlefield. If you create road-kill use the stamp on the door of the car. (I know this one is mean to animals but I’ve tried it already during a squirrel infestation, I’ve pulled up to a gas station and most people either laughed at the 3-5 stamps on my door or just gave me a thumbs up.) Aires When the going gets tough, the tough call their lawyer. Some sort of legal thing will take up some of your time this week. Could be a friend that you have to drive to court, could be unpaid parking tickets, could be that you get stuck talking about some stupid legal conversation that you don’t really want to talk about. Regardless, just get through it and remember to wear your underwear. Aquarius Pick up the phone. Dial 867-5309. Ask for Jenny. Why, cause that’s what the song says…

For the week of March 10th through March 16th Ares Take apart your printer cartridge, put on an artists beret, and ink your computer. Be sure not to hit the screen or any cords in the back. Call it your masterpiece and send it in to the computer company in which you bought from and see if they would buy your idea or at least give you an upgrade. Taurus 1. Look down at your keyboard. 2. Type “Redundant”. 3. Look back up at the screen. Repeat all three steps until it gets old or until you are about to commit suicide. If you suffer the latter I suggest you then read the horoscope for Taurus. Gemini Rip an old phone book in half with your bare hands. There’s a trick to this. First break the seal of the binding, then rip where the break occurs. Replace a new book with this old “torn in half” version and see the reaction you get. Cancer Go ahead, cut class. What you don’t realize that when you deny yourself this freedom that 20 years down the line are you going to remember this one class? Will this one class mean the difference between fail or pass? Will this one Class bring about a change in your lifestyle? If not then the teacher is not doing their job and you shouldn’t waste you time and energy on something you cannot learn from and change from as a person. Oh yeah, I have screwed up the college lives of about 20 freshmen by telling this. Only do it if you are ahead of the game… Leo Stop using your CD drive as a soda can holster and pop in the oldest CD in your collection. Find an 8 bit NES system and play some Duckhunt. Not the cheap way either. Stretch out the cord from the TV to the system to the max and then sit as far back as possible with the zapper. The game gets challenging this way after level 30. Finish off your blast from the past by ordering out for pizza. Virgo While attempting to do the impossible by licking your elbow you will find yourself contemplating your existence. Forget about it by eating a seafood sub then guzzle a gallon of banana Quick. Libra Find a stapler. Attempt to staple impossible things. Like filing cabinets or a washing machine. Pneumatic staplers are awesome for this feat. Plus you can go at it John Wayne style. Scorpio You will meet an old friend this week. Talk about old days or something else that you have no recollection of. Just nod and smile if it gets too stupid. This old friend might save your butt some day in the future. Utterly confuse someone smoking by telling them “I’ve given up breathing”. It works differently if you actually smoke. Sagitarius Go to “Friendlys” and order a vanilla coke. Yes they will serve it to you and you might be surprised at how nonchalant they will actually take that drink order. Make sure to fully color the kiddie placemat. Capricorn This is your week to be a kid again. Go to TOYS R US. Play with your food. Throw a temper tantrum for no reason. You’ll find it more fun than it sounds like and will possibly become a routine ritual for you. Invest in Paperclips. Aquarius When your computer acts up or is moving too slow start to taunt it “Frenchman from Holy Grail” Style. Replace human insults with computer clichés. Get all your friends to do the same and after the weeks over and others are still repeating what you started ask them “Why are you talking to your computer like that?” in a why are you doing this type of tone. Pisces Look up into the sky on a starry night this week. If you don’t see more than 2 colors in the sky hold your breath until you do. I suggest finding a lawn chair before attempting this.

Horoscopes for the week of 3/17 - 3/24 Aries Stop shooting blueberries out of your nose and attempt a challenge. Like a whole strawberry. Oh yeah, that isn’t blood, just strawberry juice, trust me. Invest in Q-tips. Taurus Make a paper airplane, any kind will do, and place a Lego person in it. Launch that guy off the tallest building you can throw from. Yell out to anyone below, “Somebody Help!” See who tries to catch it. Gemini Get a kite. Not MrKite, a real kite. Tie a Barbie doll or something to the kite and get it going in the air. Take out your favorite pellet/BB gun. Fire away. You may need a friend to help with this. Cancer Buy yourself something special this week. You won’t have the time to do so next week. Invest in Dartboards. Leo Do not try to grow facial hair this week. It isn’t becoming on you no matter what you or your friends think. Remember that there is a difference between suave and beastly. Virgo Buy any type of candy that you like. Finish it off and then call the number it has on the wrapper. Tell them that you weren’t satisfied with the product. Tell them that there wasn’t anything wrong with it but your just not satisfied with the product. See what their reaction is and then report back to the rest of us. Libra Dress yourself and act as all of the main characters from the Wizard of Oz. This means wearing ruby slippers, a witches cloak, a head full of straw, one hand with an axe going around to everyone saying, put ‘em up put ‘em up. Always keep this quote in mind: “What would you do with a brain if you had one?” Scorpio Start hole punching everything around you in one room. Get one really long piece of string and tie one thing at a time zig zagging around the room until everything is tied together. Put a message on your door saying: I’m walking in a spiders web, leave a message and I’ll call you back. People will be surprised to find that that song will actually make sense now. Sagittarius This is your week to act like a barbarian. Go watch Conan the Barbarian or Destroyer a couple times, submit to the Barbarians tale fic, and eat some raw meat. If you feel the need to get really primal go forth and kill a small animal with your bare hands. Or better yet throw a hatchet or an axe at it.  Capricorn Stick a post it note to your forehead that says: “FEED ME SEYMOUR.” Watch all that have read this start singing songs from Little Shop of Horrors. You‘ll find out what kind of person he or she is by what song they choose. Aquarius Create a new holiday. Something totally you and your own and share it with the rest of us. Example: “National New Superstition Day” which would be a day to hex someone with a totally unknown superstition like: You can’t type the letter “Q” on your keyboard without thinking of a prime number or else you’ll receive a random number of years bad karma. Go forth and try it. Pisces Toe Jam Farming is not a very lucrative business to get yourself into. We know the old adage is “reap the seeds you sow” but please, keep it to yourself. Invest in buttons.