As the story begins (to the tune of the Super Mario Brothers video game theme music), a cartoon short narrated by Mario explains how the Earth was ruled by dinosaurs until a meteorite hit and drove the dinosaurs underground, where they continued to evolve in their own seperate dimension. After this little intro is done, a scene appears from 20 years ago. A young woman is seen fleeing through the streets, carrying a large and suspiciously baby-like bundle. She places this bundle on the steps of a church, puts a small crystal-like rock on top, and then retreats to the sewers. The nuns who find this bundle open it to find a large egg, from which a very much human-looking baby hatches. Crack kills. But while this is going on, the baby's apparent mother (no pun intended) has run into Koopa (Dennis Hopper) in a mine shaft-type of place. No, he's not called Bowser, he's King Koopa, and he looks basically like an ordinary human. Anyways, they get trapped in a cave-in or something.
Cut to modern-day`Brooklyn, in the apartment where the plumbers Mario Mario (Bob Hoskins) and Luigi Mario (John Leguizamo) live. Mario looks pretty much like you'd expect him to from the games and such, except that he's bald and has a Noo Yawk accent. Luigi also has the accent, and now he's a baby-faced, mustache-free cutie who's a good 10 or 15 years younger than Mario. Hehe, okay, I can deal with that. ^_^ They just do what plumbers do for a while: discuss their typical we're-so-broke-because-we're-the-heros osituation, get a phone call about someone's busted dishwasher, drive like maniacs through New York traffic, blah blah blah. Luigi also seems to act on hunches a lot, and he goes for phony tabloid magazines and stuff like that. Isn't character development fun?
Aaaanyways, there's trouble afoot! Some hippie university students are innocently digging up dinosaur fossils at a construction site, and the evil construction boss dude Scapelli wants them out. Daisy the student, who's stunningly gorgeous even while dressed like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, is heading the fossil dig and Scapelli is harrassing her, so she scampers off to phone the university and ask for some more security. Um, chickie, wouldn't the police work better for that? This gal really does need a bodyguard or something, because while walking to the payphone she's spotted by some of Koopa's thugs, Spike and Iggy, who also look like ordinary humans. They agree that if they don't haul Daisy off to their strange-haired king, they're lizard food. So Spike and Iggy try to catch her, but can't since they're stereotypical Blundering Henchmen. And then they rip off the Three Stooges, just for kicks.
Coincidentally, the Marios' van breaks down and Luigi goes to a payphone to check for phone messages. He and Daisy meet, and needless to say the poor boy's absolutely smitten at first sight. So he gives her a quarter. It's for the phone, you perverts! After the mean old university refuses to give Daisy more security, she chats with Luigi for a while. He's tripping over his tongue like a Yoshi after a root canal, which is awfully cute, and then Mario saves his little bro by offering Daisy a ride back to the dig site. The old dude must be multitalented, because he's an expert mechanic who's managed to fix the van in about 5 minutes. So the plumbers drive Daisy back to her dig site, and then Luigi asks Daisy out after lots of tongue-trippage and prodding from Mario. All together now, awwww!
And the next scene is the big date, ooooOOOOOooooh! Hold your horses folks, Mario and his girlfriend are there too, so this movie's chance of turning into a bad porn just fell over and died. What's Mario's girlfriend's name, you ask? Peach, or maybe Pauline even? Nah, it's Daniella. Meh. So the happy group is enjoying a lovely dinner at a quaint little Italian restaraunt, and discussing Daisy's dig site. She says that a meteorite hit a long time ago and that they think this space rock killed the dinosaurs. And then Daniella makes a grab for Daisy's chest and the topic turns to the small, crystal-like rock Daisy always wears around her neck because it's the only thing she has from when she was abandoned at a church. Hmm...sound familiar? Luigi then chimes in that he never knew his parents either, and takes a shot at his older brother's masculinity. And he and Daisy do that gaze-into-each-other's-eyes thing where you just know they're going to jump each other's bones before the end of the movie. When the romantic moment is thoroughly over, Mario and Daniella take the van home so that Luigi can walk Daisy home and hopefully get a little action, wink wink, nudge nudge. *sigh* Stupid PG rating, any twisting I do is just a big tease.
Just when you were getting an urge to watch Dawson's Creek, we take a break from the romantic slop to see Spike and Iggy staked out in a car in front of the restaraunt. They see Danielle leaving with Mario and think she's Daisy in disguise. Freaktacular logic aside, they start following the Mariomobile. Did I say the romantic slop was over? Well, I lied, because now we get to coo with kyuteness as Luigi and Daisy walk home and verbally dance circles around the fact that they like each other. "Well, if you want...I could show you?" "I'd love for you to show me!" Hehehehe, they're talking about dinosaur bones. :p Daisy takes Luigi to see the nifty dinosaur bones at the dig site, they have a little race and everything, tee hee. During this, Daniella gets kidnapped by Spike and Iggy, but who cares? We're discussing young lurve here! Luigi and Daisy wander down into the mine-shafty dig site and check out the dinosaur bones. They're peeky dinosaurs mind you, they've got opposable thumbs and stuff. Says Daisy, "It's almost as if it was a monster trying to be a human being. It's beautiful...." So Luigi works up his nerve and replies, "You're beautiful." AWWWWWW! *sniffle* Waaah! *pulls out a big hankie and blows her nose* Wouldn't it be nice if guys said stuff like that outside of movies? *sniffles and whimpers some more*....Where were we? Oh yeah, Luigi and Daisy were just about to suck face! Well, as much as they'd like a piece of each other, they're interrupted by a few of Scapelli's terribly rude goons and a spout of water. It seems that nasty old Mr. Scapelli is trying to flood those damn hippies out of his construction site, so he's opened up some random water pipes. Who you gonna call? No, not the Ghostbusters, Mario the plumber of course! That's exactly what Luigi and Daisy do, and the elder Mario brother is there in a flash to fix the problem, with the help of Luigi, the golf caddy of plumbers, of course.
So our heros stop the water, only to get clobbered in the back of the head by Spike and Iggy, who cart off Daisy like an oversized box of takeout Chinese food. Dang, isn't that a kick in the crown jewels? The multitalented Mario's skill at spelunking leads the duo to a really trippy trans-dimensional wall. According to the computerized special effects (which probably made a whole bunch of early 90's people mess themselves), Daisy's been hauled through this wall and she's crying out for help. Nice damsel in distress, goooood damsel, atta girl. She almost escapes her captors and comes back through the wall, and Luigi accidently rips the rock necklace off her neck (psh, good job Romeo), but then she's dragged back inside for good. Luig kisses his brother on his bald head for good measure and hurls himself into the unknown, and Mario follows after a few minutes of acting like a real wussy about it. Onwards, to adventure!
After a cheeserific trip-between-the-dimensions scene, Luigi and Mario land safely in...wherever they are. Spike and Iggy aren't exactly great damsel-wranglers; even after that big head-start they're still within sight of the Marios, who give chase and make plenty of death threats just because they can. The chase leads the duo to what the back of the movie box refers to as "Dinohatten", it's a bustling underground city on crack. Mario and Luigi continue chasing Daisy and her captors through this mess, while having a big "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore" moment. It's actually kind of a neat city, despite the lameness. There's cute little lizards and stuff. ^_^ So Daisy gets hauled off in a taxi and the plumbers are left to make wisecracks about how scary New York can be.
And the scene switches to everybody's favourite lizard king, Koopa. As I mentioned before, his character got royally screwed over in the movie. Instead of a big, spiky, scary, fire-breathing, absolutely adorable turtle-dragony dude, he's now an old guy with weird hair and a phobia of germs. Colour me bitter, but that's kind of lame. Anyways, he conviniently blabs the whole plot of the movie to his gal pal, whatever her name is. He needs the princess Daisy and her rock to merge the two dimensions and take over the nice, clean, resource-filled Earth that rightfully belongs to the dinosaurs instead of the mammals. His chickie doesn't seem too happy with the idea of him needing a princess, so there's obviously going to be a hissy bitchfight later on. Spike and Iggy choose this moment to wander in and tell their boss that they captured Daisy, but that the rock was taken by the plumbers. "Plumbers..." Koopa muses, and then he puts out a city-wide alert for a couple plumbers to be captured and turned in immediately, for a massive cash reward. Well, that's one way to do it....
Back to Mario and Luigi, they're being mugged by a sweet little old lady. I think that's our cue to point and laugh! But they're saved by a big mean lady. This big mean lady, as we'll find out later, is named Big Bertha, and she's a veddy scary she-tower of spikes and bosoms. Big Bertha picks up where the little old lady left off and swipes Daisy's rock for herself, then makes her getaway with a funky pair of boots that let her jump really high. Aww, things are looking bad for our heros. Not to worry though, Toad the wandering minstrel (okay, more like a cheerful squeegee kid) appears to play his guitar and sing them a delightful little song.
"Ain't got no water, anywhere,
The food is bad! So's the air!
Got no resources, we're in a great big stupor,
All because of the evil King Koopa!"
And then a pair of cops pull over and bust his ass. Hee hee, Toad rules. ^_^ The cops also notice Mario and Luigi's plumbing tools, and the brothers get arrested too.
So what happened to Daisy, I hear you cry? Well, at this very moment she's being hauled to a secure room by some more of Koopa's thugs. And in this room happens to be Daniella and a bunch of other girls that were kidnapped by Spike and Iggy out of sheer blunderingness. Daisy and Daniella have a typically female, huggy little I'm-so-glad-you're-alive-even-though-I-barely-know-you greeting, and then Daniella explains what's happened so far. All she knows is that Koopa's looking for a princess. Well, that's certainly helpful. Okay, that's enough of the Damsel-Cam, back to the good stuff!
Mario and Luigi have just been hauled into the really freaky police station. They're not too happy about being arrested for no real reason, especially Mario, he's madder than Cow Disease. But now we have one of the movie's little comedy gem moments, I'll write it out because it's one of Para's favourite scenes. :D
Cop: "Name?"
Mario: "Mario."
Cop: "Last name?"
Mario: "*slightly annoyed* Mario!"
Cop: "Okay, what's your name?"
Luigi: "Luigi!"
Cop: "Luigi Luigi?"
Luigi: "No, Luigi Mario!"
Cop: "Okay, how many "Mario"s are there between the two of you?"
Luigi: "There's 3: *counting on his fingers* Mario Mario and Luigi Mario."
Cop: "Mike! Help these "Mario"s around the side."
So another cop appears to haul them off, and Mario and Luigi get defungused by guys that seem to like shoving hoses down prisoners' pants. Twist THAT as you will. They spot Toad long enough for him to mention that the city's being choked by said fungus, and then the brothers get their mugshots taken (by a gun-like camera that scares them into never needing laxatives again). Next thing they know, Mario and Luigi are in a tiny little cell, chatting with Toad. The cells are all stacked on top of each other and made of wire, kinda like those cages they keep animals in at the veterinarian's office. So Toad's in the cell above the Marios, playing his harmonica and trying to rhyme. Mario needs some Midol, but Luigi's still cheerful enough to discuss Toad's theories of alternate universes and other crazy stuff. Ironically, Toad's exactly right. He says that the fungus taking over the city is actually the old king. But more on that later. For now, the plumbers get taken to see King Koopa.
Fans of the games should get a kick out of this one; Koopa's in a suit, posing as a lawyer ("Larry Lazard, of Lazard, Lazard, Conda, Dactyl and Co."), and chatting with the Mario brothers in a perfectly helpful fashion. "I'm from that little part of all of us that can't stand to see someone else in need or in pain." says the K-Man, with an air of "I'm so full of crap! ^_^". Mario and Luigi have heard a lot about the name "Koopa" and want to know where they can find the guy, but "Larry" advises against it. He tells them that Koopa is "one evil, egg-sucking son of a snake", and completely blows his cover by asking where the meterorite piece is. And then he tries to gouge Luigi's eyes out just for fun. The nearby guard finishes off any remaining doubt for the brothers, this sweet, innocent lawyer is actually the eeeeevil King Koopa.
Luigi: "Koopa? But you just said you were one-"
Koopa: "-One evil, egg-sucking son of a snake. Did I lie...?"
Ah, here, for one brief shining moment, the acting is actually pretty good and the movie suddenly seems to be a fine quality motion picture. Or maybe I just shouldn't be drinking this 6-week old orange juice, who can tell? At any rate, I like that little exchange. Koopa then gives the word for our heros to be taken to the de-evolution chamber. *insert scary music here*
The de-evolution chamber is a great big room that looks oddly like a spic-n-span hospital, and as Koopa enters we see Toad strapped to a chair and dissing King K for all he's worth. The Marios are there too, waiting for their punishment, and Mario's still fussing over Luigi's Koopa-related eye injury like a paranoid mother hen. Father hen. Whatever. Koopa gives the word and Toad, still ranting, is transported to a large machine, where his head gets stuck inside and zapped by gawd knows what kind of freaky lasers (just as the early 90's people finished cleaning up their pants, here's more funky CGIness!). This causes him to de-evolve, thus clearing up why this room is called the de-evolution chamber. I was starting to wonder, too! King Koopa seems to be the movie's designated Plot Spiller, cuz he explains to the Marios that evolution isn't necessarily a one-way process. Toad comes out of the machine as a cute and incredibly stupid reptilian drone, a.k.a. a Goomba, but we can still recognise him as Toad by the funky squeegee kid hair pattern and his harmonica. Remember that, folks. Back to the point of this scene, Koopa threatens the plumbers with de-evolution unless they cough up Daisy's rock. But he gets a little sidetracked patronising Toad, so the Marios rush him, shove him into his own de-evolution machine, knock out the inept gaurds, set the machine to de-evolve Koopa, and then run like hell. Go heros, go heros, it's your birthday, it's your birthday! Unfortunately for them, the machine stops a moment later, let's just assume that some more guards came or something, and Koopa's only side-effect is a really scary eye twitch. He howls with the rage of a thousand angry ferrets and wishes a pox on the plumbers.
So our heros take a shortcut through a plot hole and now they're fleeing back through the police station where they were originally held in a cell. Luigi notices some weird fungus on the wall that offers him a tiny little walking bomb (yep, a Bob-omb!), but Mario knows never to take gifts of explosives from strange fungi and he hauls Luigi off so they won't be caught by the approaching Goomba guards. The brothers escape from the Goombas' flamethrowers in a needlessly ridiculous fashion, and then hijack a police car. A needlessly ridiculous car chase ensues, complete with lots of firey crashes. It's quite ridiculous, all in all. During this, the police radio/T.V. combo in the car informs Mario and Luigi that they're "alien plumbers", and Luigi's all easily amused. After careening through a fungus-filled tunnel, the car flies off a cliff and our heros scream like schoolgirls, but the fungus catches the car and holds it up like a bungee cord, so the movie doesn't need to end just yet. Luigi credits the fungus with their survival, and then compliments the 'shroomage by comparing it to a booger. Riiight. And then they just sorta wander off into the desert, yah, that's always a good move.
King Koopa, meanwhile, is relaxing in a lovely mud bath with his chickie (I still don't know her name, psh, whatever) when Spike and Iggy enter to tell him about how the plumbers are now in the desert. Koopa's peeved at their stupidity for not chasing the brothers, but has an idea of what to do with them. He tells Chickie (which I'm going to call her until I figure out her real name) to get Daisy cleaned up and ready to see him. It's that time again, a Koopa Quote Pyra Likes! "You know what I love about mud? It's clean and it's dirty at the same time!" he declares in a dodgey fashion, while up to his neck in the stuff. Obviously this guy's a connoisseur of such entertaining venues as mud-wrestling contests. ^_^ As per orders, Chickie climbs out of the mud and fetches Daisy to gussy her up all purdy-like.
There's no rest for the weary. We now see Koopa in the de-evolution chamber because he's got to attend to his mind-numbingly dense henchmen, Spike and Iggy. Did I mention that Koopa, Spike and Iggy are apparently cousins? Oh, well the movie's pointed it out about 5 times so far, not that anybody really cares. So anyways, Spike and Iggy are gibbering with fear because they think they're going to become Goombas. However, Koopa actually further evolves them, since logic dictates that if they're smarter they won't screw up as much. So instead of blundering henchmen, he's now got blundering henchmen who use big words and spout useless math trivia. And Koopa sicks these newly smrt minions on the Mario brothers.
And now we see Daisy all prettied up! *wolf whistles and throws popcorn at the T.V.* Chickie tells Daisy all about her sordid, sopa opera past: It seems that Daisy's mom was the queen of Dinohatten until Koopa took over, at which time she smuggled Daisy's egg and the meteorite piece over to the humans' dimension, and then died. Daisy's dad was the king and is apparently still around, but Chickie neglects to explain that any further. And for some reason Chickie has a huge grudge against Daisy because of the princess' place of honour in Koopa's good graces, "I don't care whose daughter you are....I've waited too long to let all this slip away." I'm not sure exactly what she's talking about but she sure seems to be a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
We interrupt this reptilian social drama to bring you live breaking news of our heros, Mario and Luigi! They're trekking aimlessly through the desert, and Luigi's shirtless! *hoots and whistles* TAKE IT ALL OFF! Ahem, anywhoo, they're bickering like bona fide siblings. That's about it. And now back to our regularily broadcasted Koopa!
The K-Man is, at this particular moment, plotting with a random officer about the nasty things he's going to do to the humans once he merges the dimensions. He's got the Goombas training with de-evolution guns and is all excited to see the humans turned into-
"What is it they come from, I keep forgetting, it's mice or something...."
"Apes, Sir. Monkeys."
"*snort* Disgusting mammals..."
Chickie informs Koopa that Daisy's ready to see him, he disses her for being the brat that she is, and Chickie storms off to go eat chocolate chip cheesecake or something. And while waiting for Koopa to show up, Daisy meets the dino we've all (except Para ^_^) been waiting for: Yoshi! He doesn't look like the Yoshi we know, more like a gimpy little baby T-Rex, but he's still really cute. King K makes his entrance and introduces Yoshi as the resident royal pet. "You may pet him. Just don't move your hands around like a small, wounded animal...." Koopa then introduces himself to Daisy, and they exchange bitterly sarcastic small talk until Koopa sees fit to spill some more of the plot. He does a funky flickity-tongue thing (courtesy of Mess Yourself Inc., the early 90's CGI company), and more or less tells Daisy that she's a dinosaur. Then he sexually harrasses her and does a little bit of crazy facial shape-shifting (from the earlier partial de-evolution, methinks?), so Daisy freaks out and Koopa has her hauled off by Toad. "Take her away" commands the King, "I'll need to *looks Daisy up and down* use her later." 'Scuse me while I hum a porn beat. And then Koopa kicks Yoshi! That bastard! Yoshi doesn't even try to consume him or anything, he just snivels like the downtrodden puppy of a dinosaur that he is.
Anyways, back to the desert, featuring the most nudity we're going to see in this movie! Is it just me, or are Luigi's pants riding steadily lower? *pauses the movie and squints for a while* But I digress. Spike and Iggy make a lame attempt to catch Mario and Luigi, and then get caught themselves. After some good old interrogation under the threat of being eaten by the resident little iguana things, the henchmen explain to the plumbers that once Daisy's rock is returned to the meteorite it came from, the two dimensions will merge. It seems that Koopa wasn't able to cross over to the mammal world because the pathway was sealed off until somebody blasted it open. That someone being the evil Mr. Scapelli. See, people who don't like hippies are bad news, bad news I tell ya! Hey, wait a sec, if the dimensions are merged, why would it matter whether the trans-dimensional door is open? Disregarding this little inconsistancy in the plot, the Marios strike up a deal: They'll trade the rock for Daisy. Spike and Iggy agree to this, and then our heros admit that they kinda lost the rock. The henchmen identify the scary mugger lady in question as Big Bertha the bouncer, and the foursome (get your mind out of the gutter) dash off to find some way to get to the bar Bertha hangs around.
Meanwhile, Daisy's wistfully staring out the window of her prison like a good damsel, when she sees that Yoshi's also unhappy with his captivity. So she bonds with the little guy. Awwww. Okay, I'm gonna puke, let's go see what the plumbers are doing!
Why, our heros are busy hijacking a passing garbage truck! They so badass! They dispatch the guards in a needlessly ridiculous fashion, and then the plumbers and henchmen drive on into Dinohatten. "For mammals, you guys are quite acceptable!" Give me a minute to look that up Iggy, you lost me there. No time for dictionaries now though, our heros and semi-heros are off to a sleazy bar! And dressed in the henchmen's sleazy disco gear, no less! Unfortunately, the coatcheck lady recognises them from a Wanted poster and phones the proper authorities. Oh, there'll be time for another getaway later, for now our boys need to find the intimidating mountain of woman known as Big Bertha. Spike and Iggy help by kicking back, having a few drinks, and loudly dissing Koopa like the dumbasses they are. So our heros spot Bertha, and Mario utters the famous last words, "No woman can resist the charms of a Mario!", before wandering over to try seducing the she-beast. And he succeeds in hitting on her for about 4 seconds before getting a solid punch in the face and an utterly patronising chuckle. HA haw! Our boy Mario's not that easily discouraged though ("Maybe she's a little shy...."), he gives it another shot and this time Bertha decides that he'd make a spunky dance parter. "Dance with me and I'll hit you all you'd like." Twist it! ^_^ So a slow song comes on and the delightfully mismatched couple starts a kinky little slow dance, with Mario trying to subtley swipe the meteorite piece from around Bertha's neck the whole time. All I have to say about it is that if a random guy got his face that close to MY chest, he'd be asking for a shot of Mace and a boot in the balls. Anyways, Mario finally succeeds in snitching the rock and he makes a speedy getaway, leaving poor Bertha all swooning and confused and wondering where her rock went. Luigi's managed to avoid the skeevy barhoppers during this, so the brothers celebrate and are about to flee the scene when some Goombas and Chickie enter the bar. Uh oh, busted! Mario and Luigi use some fancy football tactics to evade the Goombas and toss the space rock back and forth, but I'm guessing that football isn't among Mario's many talents. A careless throw ends up with the rock being trapped under Chickie's stiletto heel, so our boys opt for a tactical retreat and they leave Spike and Iggy to get arrested for their naysaying of the king. But what's this, a new ally? Big Bertha has decided to help out, she KO's the coatcheck lady and whisks the Marios into the relative safety of the coatcheck room. Holding the door shut against the efforts of the Goombas, Bertha outfits the brothers with Stompers, those boots that let her jump really high. All this for the low, low price of some "Pudgey-Buns" booty, better known as a kiss from Mario. Hehehe, eat your heart out, Peach Toadstool! Our heros jump out the window and into the wild blue yonder. But as they escape, the fungus once again offers Luigi a Bob-Omb, and thankfully he's smart enough to take it this time. The Marios dive into a passing garbage truck for a lift to Koopa's tower, and Luigi assures Mario that nothing's impossible. "Improbable, unlikely, but never impossible." Hey kewl, the movie has a moral now! My life has meaning!
Our next scene features Koopa sauntering into a dark and nasty room to chat with a big yucky fungus that's growing from the ceiling. No, the K-Man hasn't fallen off his little red wagon. Judging by what we've learned so far in the movie, this disgusting slimy plant-thing is Dinohatten's old king after a run-in with the de-evolution machine. Not to be a bother, but arent't fungi on a completely different evolutionary path than vertebrates like dinosaurs? I mean, plant cells are of a seperate grou-*gets pelted with science textbooks* Yeow! Okay, fine, I'll shut up! So all Koopa does here is gloat that he doesn't care that the city's being choked by the old king in fungus form, because he's going to move on to conquer the human world anyways. The 'shroom drips slime in protest. Yeccch....
The Marios have made their way to Koopa's headquarters by now and they wander into the basement of the place. Meanwhile, King Koopa orders a pizza. Hehe. Mario spots some heating pipes and, like the sly dog he is, leads Luigi in screwing up the heater as only pipe experts can. The idea is to create a distraction so they can slip through the building and rescue Daisy, wherever she is. It sure works, because the temperature drops sharply and alarms go off. Good job Mario! The dastardly, underhanded heros then swipe some clothes from a nearby employee locker so they can blend in, and soon they're all decked out in...*fanfare of trumpets* The impressive video game-ish outfits we see them in on the movie box cover! Woohoo! The whoopass Stompers don't look so bad either. So the boys hop into the nearest elevator and screw with some Goombas' heads while waiting to get to the top floor of the extremely tall building.
As I've said before, there's no rest for the weary. Koopa finds out about Spike and Iggy's disobedience and sends them off to be killed, while Chickie's pestering him to involve her in the dimensional merge plan. K-Man's pretty stressed and basically tells Chickie to go screw herself, because his plan is rapidly falling apart and he's only concerned with the future of their species. Chickie, who's still in possession of Daisy's rock beyond Koopa's knowledge, decides that she'll unite the two worlds herself. Why? Who cares?
Back to Daisy, she's fawning over kawaii little Yoshi when Toad enters with her meal. It's a yucky tongue on a plate. Hey, reminds me of my cooking! :p Daisy explains that she's a vegetarian, "I don't eat anything with a face." But don't the vegetables in the video games have faces? She'd starve! Anyways, she asks Toad for some steamed vegetables, and the big dumb oaf happily agrees, when Chickie enters and sends Toad on his way. Aha, I finally found out Chickie's name! Daisy addresses her as "Nina". Okay, so Nina does the usual sarcastic small talk thing, before grabbing Daisy and putting a knife to her throat. She claims that Daisy's wrecking her chances of success and is about to kill the pretty little princess, when Yoshi finally does something other than pull against his chain and whine. He shoots out his long tongue and trips Nina! Yaaaay! Daisy runs off like the cow that she is and leaves Yoshi to wrangle the homocidal henchwoman; poor Yoshi pays the price. Nina knifes him! I screamed when I first saw this part, seriously I did. How could anybody stab a poor innocent little Yoshi!? Anyone other than Para, of course. ^_^ Having freed herself from the dino (don't worry folks, he'll be OK), Nina chases after the escaping princess.
By this point, Luigi's figured out that the Goombas are such simple-minded creatures that they love music, and he's got them all dancing to the elevator music. The Marios climb out the top of the elevator while the goons are distracted. And in another part of the building, Daisy runs into Toad. He was just coming back with a lovely plate of steamed veggies for her, all eager-to-please. How cute is that? But Daisy's too freaked out to eat a thing right now, so she carries on running and bumps into Spike, Iggy and their Goomba escourts (not THAT kind of escourt). These Goombas fire their flamethrowers at Daisy just for fun and catch Toad on fire, the resulting panic of which allows Spike and Iggy to escape. But Daisy takes the time to grab a fire extinguisher and save Toad from becoming KFC. What, she couldn't have stuck around to save Yoshi?! What a moo-cow! So as the trio escape, Spike and Iggy explain that they never really liked Koopa in the first place and that they were always loyal to Daisy's father, so they're loyal to her too. Isn't that nice. And just because they're such nice guys, Spike and Iggy take Daisy to see her yucky, slimy de-evolved dad. The ex-henchmen see that this is going to be an emotional moment, and they retreat, adding, "Those that fight and run away..." "Live to fight another day..." *quizzical look* That's familiar...Isn't it somehow a reference to the Koopalings, Bowser's children? Anyways, they leave Daisy to fill her quota of bonding.
Whatever happened to Mario and Luigi, I hear you cry? Yeah yeah, I'm getting to that. They're making their way through the building when they come across a big open shaft, it seems that they're very high up and can't get across. Luigi has a "good feeling" and jumps into the abyss like a lemming on crack. Mario gets the courage to uncover his eyes a few minutes later, and he sees Luigi floating above him! *hums the You Can Fly song from Peter Pan and quickly gets annoyed with it* Mario thinks this is pretty neato. Unfortunately Luigi was being a jerkoff and playing a trick, he's actually suspended from a chain, but Mario jumps just as Luigi's telling him this. Whoopsie doodle! Fortunately, the ever-present fungus on the walls stretches out and forms a trampoline, so Mario bounces back up and is caught by Luigi. Referring to Luigi's brother-catching skills, Mario says, "I'd high-five you, but then you'd be an only child." That's irony for ya. The brothers use Luigi's chain to swing across the chasm and carry on their adventure.
We return once more to Daisy, who's spilling her guts to the fungus that is her father. Blah blah blah, more sentimental rubbish. Until lil' old Yoshi staggers in with a knife sticking out of his shoulder. Daisy freaks and carefully removes the knife from the dino. He isn't even bleeding for whatever reason, he's OK! *everybody cheers, except for a certain Scroogey flying turtle webmaster :p* Daisy also takes off Yoshi's collar, I'll take this as my cue to sing Born Free at the top of my lungs. As if he hadn't already been helpful enough, Yoshi points out the nearby master control panel to his favourite princess, so Daisy uses the surveillance network to find Mario and Luigi and tell them where she is, isn't she smrt? Err, no, not really, because Koopa's watching this little exchange from his own control panel. Dun dun dun! So Mario and Luigi are making their way towards Daisy when the younger Mario brother spots a mushroom that's "trying to communicate". So he plucks it like a flower. Nice logic, does he shoot a parrot when it tries to talk, too?
At this point, Koopa is informed by an officer that the troops are ready to move out and take over the mammals, as per the order Nina "relayed". King K didn't give that order and he's confused, until he figures out that Nina's a traitor and that she has the rock. Finally, someone intelligent! Since Koopa's so gifted, of course he can't get any more screen time for a while. Back to the plumbers. They finally find Daisy and she has a happy huggy reunion with Luigi. Awww. She introduces the boys to her father, and explains the sordid family story. Luigi's a bright kid, and figures out that King Dad was helping them all along. GOOD JOB LUIGI! Sweet merciful crackers, I worry....Daisy also mentions that Daniella is captive too, hehehehe, oops, Mario didn't know that! He dashes off to save his girlfriend. Luigi and Daisy try to escape, but run smack into Koopa and some Goombas. The K-Man orders that the troops be readied, because apparently the invasion of the mammal world is nigh. The horror. The horror. Speaking of which, Nina's doing her darnedest to get to the meteorite, and gets caught by Koopa's security. Hehe, stupid Nina.
Mario finds the room where Daniella and the other gals are being held, and he WOULD be successful in avoiding detection by the stupid Goomba guards if it weren't for one of the ditzy kidnapped gals. No matter, he makes quick work of the creature and executes his daring, well thought-out plan. Mario and the girls sit on a mattress and ride off down a nearby ventilation shaft like it's some kind of peeky waterslide. Um....Kay then, whatever floats your boat.
By now, Koopa's guards have brought him the meteorite piece, and he's ready to take over the world. He orders his troops into action and triumphantly declares, "Prepare for destiny!....Where's my pizza?" Heehee, rock on. ^_^
And now back to Mario, he's on a mattress with a bunch of girls and cruising at high speed through the oddly slide-like air vents, with a mattress full of Goombas hot on his tail. Needlessly ridiculous, if you ask me. The dumber-than-tapioca-pudding Goombas get stopped by such obstacles as icicles and wrenches. Don't ask, just don't...Mario and his harem fly out a random pipe into the street, causing mass pandemonium, and they conviniently land right in front of Koopa, Luigi and Daisy and nail the Goomba guards. And just as King K's got the heros at gunpoint, his pizza finally arrives. Dealing with this gives the plumbers time to launch their Stomper boots like missiles at Koopa and knock him over one of the city's many poorly built railings, where he lands in some kind of bucket-like platform above the street and gets a little bit flamethrower trigger-happy. Mario takes his little brother's tool belt (with the Bob-Omb and the mushroom) and finally takes Luigi's advice: Trust the fungus. He uses Daisy's dad to swing over to King K and engage him in mortal combat. Or something like that.
During the struggle, Koopa drops the rock and Nina just happens to catch it, and then she electrocutes herself on some nearby power lines. I'm not even going to question the logic any more, this is fun. ^_^ She dashes off to merge the worlds, so Luigi, Daisy and the horde of gals follow her. Mario fools Koopa into thinking that he caught the rock, and plays a game of cat-and-mouse with the lizard king to buy his brother some time.
Oh horror of horrors, Nina's just about to insert the missing piece into the meteorite when Luigi and Co. catch up to her! But being a villain, she has to chitchat and dawdle first. Whatever, back to the more exciting scene unfolding at the moment. Mario's having a standoff with Koopa and still bluffing about the rock, when he notices that the bystanders scream and run at the sight of his Bob-Omb. Hmm, useful information, that. So he winds up the little dynamo and sets it walking (painfully slowly) towards Koopa. But the bomb falls through a crack in the floor and tumbles down to a lower level of the city, still sizzling and tottering around. Mario resumes his previous tactic and does some more bluffing with the fake meteorite piece in his hand.
Nina's still being slower than molasses to merge the worlds, so Luigi and Daisy have time to send all the other girls back through the trans-dimensional wall. When Nina finally does decide to stick the rock in (twist), the surge of power blasts her against the wall and fries her to a crisp. Our heros figure out that Daisy is really freaking special for some reason; only she can withstand the force of merging the dimensions, and that's why Koopa needed her.
Speaking of Koopa, he gets close enough to swipe the rock from Mario, and the crafty plumber blows out the flame in his enemy's flamethrower gun. And at this moment, everybody starts dissolving as part of that whole merging-dimensions thing. Koopa realises that Mario's been bluffing, and bwahahas in a very evil fashion, because it seems that he's going to succeed in taking over after all. King Koopa, Mario and a handful of Goombas appear in the human world, smack dab in front of the group of reporters who were checking out the kidnapped girls' story. Koopa's tower comes along for the ride too, just because. Koopa grabs the nearest de-evolution gun and fires at Mario, who dodges the shot, and the innocent bystander behind him gets turned into a chimpanzee. Did I say innocent bystander? I meant Mr. Scapelli, the hater of hippies and the cause of this mess in the first place. The crowd points and laughs. :D Koopa tries once more to "make a monkey out of you", just as Mario Trusts The Fungus again and whips out the little mushroom from Luigi's toolbelt. The 'shroom faithfully grows to absorb the de-evolution blast, and Mario knocks the gun out of Koopa's hands.
Our other heros haven't been slacking off during all this, Luigi and Daisy have been busily trying to pry the meteorite piece out of its home in the meteorite. At this moment, they succeed, and everybody gets warped back to Dinohatten where they were before the merge. Koopa commands his Goombas to shoot Mario, but good old Toad shows his true colours; he gives Luigi some de-evolution guns and then plays his harmonica. Koopa's guards start dancing to the music and are quickly KO'd by their hissy king. Another old friend appears, Big Bertha, and she gives Luigi another pair of Stompers. He leaps into action (sorry about the bad pun), while Koopa goes nuts and tries to shoot him with his flamethrower. And remember that little Bob-Omb? It's still wandering around, terrorizing innocent passers-by. It walks up the wall, comes to a stop right under the K-Man, and explodes with massive force, throwing Koopa back into the bucket platform from before. Here our heros blast him with the de-evolution guns until he's nothing but a gob of slime (which is what the early 90's people's brains must have reverted to by this point, out of sheer freaked-outness). And the peasants rejoice! Literally, all the bystanders start cheering. Mario and Luigi share the pair of Stompers in a very dodgey fashion, and bounce over to Daisy while the townspeople all have a parade. Daisy's dad also turns back into a humanoid for no real reason, and praises the plumbers.
Now, if you didn't see this coming, I really have to wonder. The trans-dimensional wall has closed, until Daisy uses her magic-ish rock to open it up again. Luigi urges her to come back with him, but she needs to stay, to chat with her dad and...stuff. Luigi tries to convince her, he really does, he tells her, "Come on Daisy, you know how I feel about you, right?...I wanna be with you." *whimper* WAAAAAAH! This movie's toying with my emotions! Anyways, Daisy feels the same way, and Mario sums it up for Luigi: She can't leave, so quit your bitching and kiss the girl already. And kiss they do, a soul-bonding movie kiss with soap opera music and everything, and then the brothers bid their teary farewell. As if that wasn't enough, that cutie Yoshi shows up to give them a sobering little wave goodbye. *sniff* Oh, that's it, I'm emotionally scarred now from all this delightful sap....The Marios exit through the trans-dimensional wall, thinking that they'll never see Daisy again....
Flash forward to three weeks later. Mario and Daniella are busying themselves happily in the kitchen, but needless to say Luigi's still moping around over his lost lurve. He cheers up a little when a news report comes on and refers to "the Super Mario brothers". Suddenly, and to Luigi's delight, Daisy bursts in the door looking like Rambo and says that "You're never going to believe what's happened!" Mario grabs his toolbelt and assures everyone, "I believe!" And then...the movie...ends....Um, whaaat? "Here we go again" movie endings suck hardcore donkey balls! Grrr! Oh well, the movie was still good clean fun anyways. I'll just imagine that it turns into a cheap porn after as the credits roll...
Well, I hope you all had as much fun reading this account as I did writing it. Go out to your local video rental store and pester them about SMB: The Movie, because even my smartass comments can't entirely sum up this cheesey, fun film. Long live heroic repairmen! Long live CGI graphics that make early 90's people mess themselves! And long live wondering where the hell your pizza delivery is!