"I'm telling you this for the LAST time, Q: I'm exclusively heterosexual! I will NEVER dally with you!"

"Oh, please, Picard! Name ONE female you've ever had."

"Well, er, um ... "

"I'm waiting. Don't try my patience, Picard. I might turn you into a frog."

"Well, there was Vash!"

"Ha! We never SAW you do anything. You just climbed into the same sleeping bag. And then you ... fell asleep."

"Uh ... "

"Didn't you?"

"Well, I was exhausted, Q. I'd been walking all day, and ... "

"And then there's Beverly. She practically tackled you onto your desk, but you chased her off."

"Aha! But later I put the moves on her."

"You know as well as I that you only wanted a beard. She was right to reject you. She wants someone who can get a hard-on without imagining Commander Riker wearing lederhosen."

"Q! Did you ... ?"

"Of course I peeked into your pitiful brain, Johnny."

"Well, then, you have to admit that I was very close with Kamala."

"Ahhh, yes. The most attractive woman in the galaxy, and you didn't even make a pass."

"Q! She was for ... "

"Oh, yes, she was for Alrich of Valt. Boo-hoo. But what about Ardra? That hussy *threw* herself at you, Picard. And you were not even oblivious, but actually disgusted."

"She's ... just not my type of girl."

"So how about Lily? Strong, dedicated, talented, beautiful ... "

"There wasn't time, Q."

"Commander Riker would have found the time. All those Jefferies tubes you crawled through ... oh, but Jefferies tubes are only for piano lessons, aren't they?"

"Urg."

"And Anij?"

"Q, I ... "

"Oh, yes, sorry. She's an unwashed, hideous old arrogant douchebag. Forget I said anything."

"Q, there have been many more. Miranda Vigo ... "

"Hallucination!"

"Marta ... "

"That was all MY doing, Picard. Why, you wouldn't even service those tarts on Risa. And they were BEGGING for it! The closest you ever got to a woman was humping Data when he thought he was Masaka."

"Now, Q ... "

"Yes, he IS a hottie, isn't he? And so versatile! But this isn't about him; it's about US!"

"The answer, Q, is NO! I would never lie with a man!" Jean-Luc swished away from Q. "Tea, Earl Grey, hot." He grabbed the cup with three fingers, extending a dainty pinkie.

"How about ... "

"No!"

"How about if I appeared as a woman?" Q zapped himself into Jean-Luc's bunk, taking on the form of a blonde bimbo.

Jean-Luc sighed. "It wouldn't work, Q. I'd remember you in your male form."

Q turned back into his normal human manifestation. "All right, Picard. Have it your way. I give up."

***

Q raised both hands and grabbed this boring universe, crumpling up all its dimensions until it collapsed upon itself. He made sure to grab the back of Jean-Luc's neck and force his head into 20th-century San Francisco, where it ended up inside a whale's butt.

He shed his distasteful human form and reclined in the Continuum, pondering many universes.

(Which universe seems interesting? Which universe would welcome my input? Or at least not be too annoying?)

Q surveyed the various universes laid out before him. Some, which members of the Continuum were currently visiting, were fully open. Most were bunched up into zero-dimensional packets. Q peeked under a corner of one packet.

Hmmmm, this universe could use some help! It seemed to be composed mainly of bright-colored polygons, and most of its inhabitants were two-dimensional. It seemed to need some spicing up. Q eavesdropped on the thought waves of one inhabitant.

***

[I like Steve. Steve not get up. Get up, Steve! I not feel good this day. I jumpy. Bored. Steve! Tickety, ring! Tickety rings. Steve up. Hi, Steve.] "Bowr?"

"Hi, Blue."

"Bow bup, bup bowr!"

(Hmmm, honest, if not particularly bright. I need some honesty right now.)

[I lick Steve. Steve, pet me! Pet me lot! Steve go in bathroom. Steve come back.]

"What do you want to do today, Blue?"

[I know what I want do. I know. Can not tell Steve. Can not talk Steve talk.] "Bow bowrp bowww!" [Hit paw on window.]

"Oh, we're gonna play Blue's Clues to find out what you want to do today! Wow!"

(Eesh, did I think the *dog* wasn't too bright?)

"But I don't have my friend today, Blue. I've never solved a Blue's Clues without my friend. I might not be able to."

"Don't worry, Steve. I know you can do it. Here's your handy-dandy notebook."

(A talking drawer? Oooo-kay.)

Now Steve was walking around, singing. "We are lookin' for Blue's Clues. We are lookin' for Blue's Clues. We are lookin' for Blue's Clues. Wonder where they are?"

Steve went outside. "Hi, Pail and Shovel! What're you doing?"

(It's plain to see what they're doing, idiot! You're just as bad as Picard.)

"I'm trying to tamp down the sand in Pail, Steve. Ugh. Oooogh!"

"Harder, Shovel, harder! Oh, Neptune! Ohhhhhh, pack it down."

"Trying ... Pail ... ugh ... ohhhhh, holy Starfish, the tide's coming in!"

"Me too, Shovel! Ohhhhh my Mer!"

"Ummmm, I'll just leave you two alone, okay?" Steve went back into the house. "We are lookin' for Blue's Clues. We are lookin' for Blue's Clues. We are ... "

Q saw the imbecile walk right past a blue paw print. "A clue, a clue, you braindead freak!"

"What? Who said that? Do you like my shoes? They're new!"

"No, a CLUE, you stupid shit!"

"Oh, a CLUE! Wow! Yes, here it is on this clay. Hmmmmm, Blue's been playing with clay, and she made ... the Washington Monument! Hmmmm, so here's our first clue!" The dolt got out his notebook. "Let's make a kind of long, pointy thing here, and make it stand straight up, and that's the Washington Monument.

"I wonder what Blue wants to do?"

"Oh, can't you figure it out, fool? I got it at the pail and shovel."

"Maybe. But let's wait until we get more clues."

"Whatever, dingbat."

Steve went into the kitchen. Salt and pepper shakers were clinking against each other on the table.

"Mr. Salt? Mrs. Pepper? What are you doing?"

"Ugh, we are trying ... to see ... how much salt ... agh ... and pepper ... it takes ... to ... to make ... Paprika. Mon Dieu, Mrs. Pepper!"

"Ohhhhhh, let's make ... Paprika! Aaahhhhhhhh! Sacre Bleu! La petite mort, she approaches, mon amor!"

"Ay, ay, ay, I am going to sprinkle! Oh, Merde!"

As they shook, salt and pepper mingled on the tabletop. Steve looked on, dumbfounded. "Um, make sure you clean that up when you're done, you two!" Steve headed toward the bedroom.

"We are lookin' for Blue's Clues. We are lookin' for ... "

"You fucking IDIOT!" Q yelled. "It's a CLUE!"

"Stew? Do you want to make stew? Well, Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper looked a bit busy, but maybe we could ... "

"No, a CLUE, you nanobrained targass!"

"Oh, a CLUE! Hey, you're right! Look, Blue was playing with a bottle of lotion. And it looks like it spilled all over the sheets. Just kinda splattered there, white lotion. Hmmmm!" He pulled out his notebook again. "I'll just draw some little blobby drops of white stuff here, and some splattery globs here, and there we have splattery white stuff. Do you think it could be ... ?"

"I'm not even going to say anything."

"Maybe. But let's wait until we get our third clue, okay?

"We are ... "

(Mail time, mail time, mail time, mail time. MAIL TIME!)

Steve immediately ran out to his big, red chair. Blue sat behind him. She barked a welcome to Q. How could the dog see him? Q couldn't figure it out. Apparently, she had more abilities than were obvious at first.

Q didn't have any more time to think, however, because a big mailbox with a face suddenly barged into the window. And, tediously, Steve began to sing again.

"Here's the mail. It never fails. It makes me want to wag my tail. When it comes, I wanna wail. Mail!"

The dog blinked at Q. [Now Steve get clue?] Q, sadly, shook his head at the unfortunate creature.

[It letter from friends. It letter from friends all time.]

Q didn't know why Blue looked so sad, but he figured he would find out sooner or later.

The mailbox had been bantering with Steve, and it now disgorged a huge letter.

"We just got a letter. We just got a letter. We just got a letter. Wonder who it's from?"

(Probably sooner.)

"Wow, it's a letter from our friends!"

Through a dimensional gateway, some kids looked out at Steve. "Hi, Steve and Blue! We're breeding dogs for fun and profit!"

"Look! Here's my collie fucking his collie!"

"Here's my dachsund fucking his dachsund!"

"Here's my Rottweiler fucking her German Shepherd! Uh-oh!"

"Bye, Steve and Blue!"

Steve closed the letter. "Wow, I don't understand what those kids are doing, do you, Blue?"

"Bow bup, bup bowwwwww!" Blue leaned her chin on her paws and covered her eyes with her ears.

(Time to meddle.)

"Oh, well, I'm going to look for more Blue's Clues. We are ... . Hey, Blue, what are you reading about?" A large book lay open on the floor; Blue was perusing it.

"Br buuuu br bin br bmmmmmmm."

Steve checked out the book. "The Q Continuum? Wow."

"Brp brp bowww, br-br bowwwwwwwww." Blue romped back and forth and jumped into the book. This was yet another occasion for Steve to sing. Twisting his body in grotesque, tortuous ways, he warbled, "Blue skidoo; we can, too!" and jumped into the book. Q followed, foregoing the tune and the gyrations.

"Wow, Blue, we're here in the Q continuum!"

"Br Bowww!"

"And who are you?" Steve appeared to be looking right at Q.

How could Steve see ... ? Q examined his own manifestation. He seemed to be a caricature of his usual human appearance, his body made of red and black rectangles, his face a yellowish circle, and his hair a black rectangle atop his head.

[You talk now,] Blue told him. "Br bup bowr!"

"Ahem, uh, yes. I am Q."

"Wow. Do you need help? Usually everyone in these universes needs help."

"Ah, no." Blue gave him a dirty look. "I mean Yes! Yes, I need help! You see that man over there?" Q summoned up an image, and, sure enough, it manifested itself here as another red-and-black figure. The figure was made of simple shapes as he was, only without the black rectangle on top.

"I *really* would like to get him to have sex with me. But I don't know how! Something's wrong." Q approached the Jean-Luc figure and grabbed him around the waist. The Jean-Luc thing slapped him.

"Brp brp bow."

Steve gazed stupidly at Q. "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand. I don't think I can help anyone today." He glanced at Blue. "It's because I don't have my friend today. I just can't figure out anything. Maybe I should go back and look for the third clue."

Steve twisted spastically again and skidooed back into his house. Blue shrugged at Q. [When he learn? He monumentally stupid.] They both skidooed back as well.

Steve plodded through the house, downcast. "We are lookin' for ... Blue's Clues. :::sigh::: We are ... "

"Okay, numbskull, don't tell me you can't see THAT huge, honking clue. It's right in front of your nose!"

"Huh? Am I blue? Am I blue? Ain't these tears in my eyes tellin' ... oh, you see a CLUE?" Immediately, Steve brightened.

(Ahhhh, to live such a simple life!)

Steve grabbed the object with the blue paw print. "Hmmmm, looks like Blue was hungry, because she made a tuna taco. And it's a clue!" He whipped out his notebook yet again.

"Now, let's draw a straight line, and a couple curvy lines, and then some rumply stuff in here, and we have ... a tuna taco!"

A look of utter amazement crossed the simpleton's face. "Wow, you know what??"

"What, brainiac?"

"We have ALL THREE CLUES! Let's go and sit in our thinking chair!" Steve dashed back to the big red chair. Blue sauntered up and lay in front of him, her rear end facing his way.

"Now, let's see. We have the Washington Monument." Its image danced above him. "Some drops of white stuff." Droplets squirted repeatedly into the air. "And a tuna taco." The tuna taco wiggled and jiggled beside the other two clues.

"Hmmm, what could Blue want to do today that matches all three clues?" The look of concentration on his face was so intense, so earnest, that Q could not help shouting as loud as possible.

"She wants to get fucked today, nimrod! Preferably by you! Although, in all the Continuum, I can't find the reason why."

Blue focused a sad gaze upon Q. "Bow bow bowr." She laid her head once again on the floor.

Abruptly, Steve looked as if he had had an epiphany. He leaped to his feet. "I know! Blue wants to use the monument ... as a fishing rod ... with blobs for bait ... to fish for tuna!"

Blue again covered her eyes with her ears. Steve's smile faded, and he sat down. "No, that's not it. It's ... it's ... ."

Unseen by Steve, above his head, the Washington Monument drove itself again and again into the tuna taco, until, finally, drops of white liquid shot out of its tip and dripped from the taco.

Steve sighed. "I don't know, Blue. I'm sorry. I just ... can't figure it out. I guess it's because I don't have my friend here today. Sorry, everybody."

(Everybody?) Q looked around. He was visible in his own colorful, rectangular manifestation, as was the Picard shape. Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper were standing by, along with Pail and Shovel. All four seemed very content, too content to care about Steve's problem. The Picard shape ran away. Blue got up and started pounding her head against the wall.

"Look, I have to go to the bathroom." Steve left the room. Everyone else sat, in silence broken only by the repeated rap, rap, rap of Blue's head against the wall ... and another sound.

Faintly, Q heard it. He turned to look bathroom-ward. Salt, Pepper, Pail, and Shovel soon turned that way also. Presently, even Blue stopped and stood, motionless, quirking her ears in that direction.

"Ohhhh, nnnnk, mffff, grrnt. Ohhhhh, yesss, yesss, yes. Rrrrnk, nnnggggff! Oh, god, how can this be real??"

Casually, silently, Q vaporized the bathroom door.

In the tub Steve reclined, a lavender rectangle in his hand. A rectangle with little arms and legs and a face. A rectangle covered with iridescent froth. "Ohhhhhh, god, Slippery!" Steve implored. "Pleeeeease, Slippery, rub harder on Daddy! Slide on Daddy, baby, oh, god, please!" He shucked his tiny cock over and over with the lavender thing.

Blue stood at attention, drilling into the unknowing Steve with a vicious canine gaze. Her hackles stood sharply on end. She started to bare her teeth and to growl, very softly. Steve didn't seem to hear. Salt, Pepper, Pail, and Shovel quickly dispersed.

"Blue, Blue!" Q whispered. "Look at the size of his penis. You wouldn't want to get fucked by that anyway, would you?"

Blue stopped growling and turned toward Q. "Br brp bow?" She calmed and sat, looking at him expectantly, ears pointing toward him.

"I know it's tough to see him and Slippery together. But you have to realize that some people in the cosmos are just that way. They give up a perfectly good partner for no real reason. They'd rather masturbate." Q thought longingly of Jean-Luc, and he sighed. Then another thought hit him, and he felt the corners of his crayon-scrawled mouth turning up. "But, Blue ... " He easily put an idea into her head. Actually, the idea had already been in there; Q had just amplified it. Blue shot into the bathroom, all anger and sharp teeth, and did a wonderful job of amputating Steve's penis. Before Steve could even start to scream, Q had transported both him and Blue to the Continuum once more.

"Brp brp, brp bow?" Blue questioned, as they floated among the various universes.

"You do see, don't you, Blue, that some lifeforms just don't belong together? You and Steve, for example? Or ... " Blue quirked her head sideways in curiosity. But Q couldn't say what he wanted. He still, secretly, harbored fantasies about Jean-Luc which he would never bury. But now wasn't really the time ... . He changed from his rectangle shape into that of a gigantic Irish Wolfhound. A horny, horny Irish Wolfhound. "How's this, Blue?" he asked, proudly displaying his glistening, red doggy-dick to her.

Blue smiled a true smile, the first Q had seen from her. "Br brp, br BOWR-ROW-ROW!"

She bent over. [Now I fuck, now I fuck! Now Steve not fuck, hahaha! Ahhhhh, big dick! Big dick! Q big dick! I love Q!] Q rammed his enflamed dog-penis into Blue's wet cunt and fucked her over and over until they both howled and came. And, since he was Q, he fucked her again and again, until they came again. And so on and so forth, ad infinitum, because his semen had made her Q also.

Steve had to make a very embarrassing trip to the urologist.

THE END

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