I woke suddenly from deep sleep, and my fighter’s instincts wouldn’t allow me to roll back into my warm pillow without finding the cause for my disturbance. I instinctively looked to the makeshift bed on the floor next to me. Quatre was there, sleeping peacefully, his pale hair falling over his eyes and ruffling slightly as he breathed. I quickly glanced around the room, my eyes drawn to the ribbon of light streaming from the bathroom door, not quite closed. Peering into the semi-darkness of the room, I checked the other three. Duo snored loudly, sprawled over a couch, his legs dangling off one end. WuFei slept curled into a ball, clutching his pillow like a lover—he must have been dreaming of better nights. Heero’s couch was vacant, his sheet in a heap on the floor.

I got up and crept toward the bathroom, not meaning to spy on Heero, but to close the door so I could go back to sleep. When I got close, Heero’s voice froze my steps as well as my intentions.

“Re-li-na . . . “ he moaned softly in a gentle voice I’d never heard.

I peeked around the open door, squinting my eyes against the bright light. Heero sat on the closed toilet seat, his naked back to me. He hunched slightly, and though I couldn’t see what he was doing, it didn’t take a genius to figure it out. I turned to slip back into bed, but a string of muttered curses under Heero’s breath changed my mind. He was so frustrated. I turned back toward him—he hadn’t noticed my presence yet.

“A hand’s no substitute for a warm body, huh?” I commented softly, not wanting to startle him into violence.

Heero jerked suddenly, but didn’t get up. He twisted his upper body to see me, his breathing ragged. This could very well be the first time I’d seen him surprised. “Trowa,” he growled, his blue eyes narrowing.

“Don’t get all upset.” I tried to keep my voice low and gentle. “I know the feeling. I think I can help.”

Heero let his guard slip a notch. “How?”

“Close your eyes.” I couldn’t believe I was thinking of doing what I was about to do.

Heero tensed, his eyes flashing violently. “What?”

“Just close them. Trust me.”

He looked at me suspiciously for a moment, but frustration or curiosity must have gotten the better of him. His eyes closed.

“Now think of her.” I took a couple of steps and stood before him.

Heero opened his eyes a fraction, peering at me through long lashes. I stood my ground. After a moment, he stopped watching me, his lashes settling against his cheeks once more. “Relina,” he sighed, conjuring her image.

I knelt in front of him, and suddenly realized that this would be even more difficult than I’d thought. My face burned with mortification. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Heero needed this. He was my friend. With another breath my resolve was hardened. I would do this.

His whole body shook as I wrapped my trembling fingers around him. “Shhh,” I soothed gently. Closing my own eyes, I lowered my face toward him, experimentally touching my tongue to the tip of his stiff shaft. Heero shuddered violently, but didn’t open his eyes. Feeling better, I licked again, this time tasting him. He was both salty and sweet, and unlike anything I’d tasted before. Swirling my tongue around him, I drew his penis into my mouth.

Heero gasped. “Trowa!” he whispered violently, squeezing his eyes shut even tighter.

“Relina,” I corrected softly, releasing him while I took a breath. I covered him again, twisting my tongue every which way, searching for something that worked. It must’ve been all right; Heero breathed the girl’s name, smiling gently. Encouraged, I braced myself with my hands on his thighs, leaning forward as I took him more fully into my mouth. He jerked toward me, gagging me as he touched the back of my throat. I didn’t mind, enjoying the trembling of his legs beneath my hands. I withdrew slightly, teasing him with my tongue.

This was becoming easier for me. I was liked the idea of pleasing him. Growing bold, I cupped his balls in one hand while I pumped his shaft with the other, the whole time keeping the tip of him busy with my tongue. Heero shuddered, a moan escaping his lips. He clenched his hands into fists. After a few moments, I slowed, growing tired. Heero wouldn’t let me. He grasped my head with his hands and pushed my face toward him, his fingers tangling in my long hair. I eagerly tried to please him, sucking and kissing and licking as fast as my tongue would go.

A moment later Heero tensed, clenching my hair painfully in his fists. In two long shudders, he came into my mouth. I choked back the urge to throw up, standing as soon as he released my hair. I spit into the sink, shocked at how bitter the stuff tasted. Turning on the water, I rinsed my mouth as Heero slumped back against the tank of the toilet, his eyes still closed.

“Thank you,” he whispered raggedly.

I nodded, not trusting my voice so soon. This was a very shocking experience for me, and I was afraid that I’d just ruined my friendship with Heero.

“Trowa,” he began hesitantly. “I was thinking of Relina.”

I nodded again. That was the point.

“I mean,” he broke off, opening his cobalt eyes. “Trowa, I’m not—“

“Gay?” I tried to smile at him. “Me neither.”

His eyes widened in surprise.

I chuckled. “So I finally shocked Heero Yuy.” I paused. “No, I’m not gay. It’s just,” I glanced into the dark room behind me. “You can’t help who you love.”

“Quatre?” he asked solemnly.

I nodded. For a long time I’d wished I could ease some of Quatre’s pains the way I just had with Heero, but I couldn’t. Quatre was too innocent to need my help, and I was too scared to initiate it. Other than just now, with Heero, I’d never touched another guy. Besides, my feelings for Quatre were too important to risk with sex. He meant too much to me.

Heero shook his head. “He’s a sweet kid, but I don’t get it.” He smiled at me, grabbing his shorts from the floor. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell.”

I brushed my teeth and washed my hands after Heero went back to bed. I studied myself in the mirror for a long time, wondering who I’d become, performing sexual favors out of loyalty and thinking of someone else the whole time. Sometimes I didn’t recognize my own face. I wondered what Quatre saw when he looked at me. Turning off the light, I crept through the dark room, not looking to where Heero lay awake on his couch. As I slipped beneath my blanket, I glanced over to where Quatre slept, all golden and sweet like a child.

He opened his eyes and smiled at me. “You’re back,” he whispered groggily. “I woke up and wondered where you were.”

I smiled at him. “Right here,” I whispered back. “I’ll always be right here.”

He smiled sleepily and closed his eyes. “Good,” he whispered, barely making a sound. “Now I can go back to sleep.”

Sleep didn’t claim me for a long time—long after I heard Heero’s breathing deepen. I watched Quatre, and wondered if it was wrong to feel as happy as I did. But you can’t help who you love—it couldn’t be wrong.