As I had mentioned before, I noticed something more....Now, as a kid (at about five,) it wasn't just crossdressing that caught my fancy, but fights and fighting. whether it was on TV, in movies, in magazines, whereever. For some reason, I was enthralled with one-on-one combat. I didn't know what it was all about, but I strongly remember an unmistakable sign of arousal when it was two women about to fight or an implied fight between two women. These "events" would haunt me constantly, and I could not stop thinking about what i had seen or heard for days on end. It was as much or an obession as the crossdressing had become. I would often find myself dreaming of watching two women fight each other. Of course, bieng in a small "wholesome" Massachusetts town in the middle of nowhere with barely three static-filled channels on the telvsion didn't help anything at all either. I couldn't get enough of my much needed "fight fix". In fact, I used to think, for awhile, that a "catfight" was just an urban legend. I mean, i was already eight or nine and still hadn't seen a real fight between two ladies yet, not even on the TV. (the frist, last time i witnessed a real, live "catfight" firsthand wasn't until my senior year, when two softmore girls decided thay had had enough of each other and had it out right there in the hallway. I was awestruck, standing there burning the images in my mind forever.)
Soon I would find myself throwing on one of my sister's dresses (whilest alone in the house, of course) and unexplainably acting like I was about to fight some imaginary gowned woman in the room with me. (some kids have imaginary friends, I had an imaginary catfighting opponent! LOL!)) It soon got to the point whereas a I would take one of my sister's or mother's dresses and stuff it with pilows, and make a dummy opponent out of it that i would then wrestle and fight all over the room. (I feel soo damned ashamed to admit that, I really do!) Like I said, I was obessed.
As the years came and went, this "inner me" built up and built up. I would watch WWF wrestling for the rare occurance of seeing Wendi Ritcher or even the Fabulous Moolah go at it in the ring. (women wrestling back then was a lot less prevalant than what it is today) I felt this "inner female fighter' raging inside me. (I know what you're thinking, I'm in need of therapy, right? Well you know what they say about opinions being like a$$holes.........) And that is how my life went on during my teensage years. Soon i outgrew wearing my sister's clothes, mostly because though we'd both grown older, I grew larger in hieght and size and she soon became smaller than I. It was like a troture to go shopping with my mom, walking past all these gowns and dresses in the stores, and in the malls and trying desprately not to get caught looking at all the gorgeous dresses everywhere. It would almost be unbearable at times and leave me shaking on the inside. I mean, when I saw an outfit I really liked, all would want to do is sneak it into a dressing room and try it on. (that and invite someone in there to wrestle me) lol
Soon I found out about G.L.O.W. the Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling and would watch it whenever possible religiously. The only times I could was when it came on at 1 a.m. sunday morning at my neighbor's house in which I occasionally babysat. Soon after it went off the air. My one complaint, waaaay too many very unfunny skits, not enough fighting. ( for those who are too young to remember, the ladies did these horrible, stupid skits in between fighting each other-not that the fighting was really all that better, but better than nothing. NOTE TO ANY FUTURE PROMOTER: THE BENNY HILL-LIKE SKITS SHOULD NEEEEEEEEEEEVER BE PART OF A LADIES WRESTLING PROGRAM!!!)
Moving forward to a few years later, my local (now spanish) channel showed POWW-Powerful Women Of Wrestling (I know, the anagram makes no sense to me, either.) fridays at 4 in the afternoon. I was always glued to the tiny 13-inch TV I had in my room. (the TV was for our "computer", the Texas Instrument 99/4A.) Mon would think I was playing "Munch Man" when I was really watching Babe The Farmer's Daughter pulling the hair of Sasha the sexy Russian. (soon it was replaced by some third-rate, made-for-TV, english, drama movies from the seventies. More boring than anything PBS could do (DAMN YOU, BBC!!!). I was rather upset at this, to say the least.)
So I grew up feeling like a freak, hating myself.
Flash forward. |
