The following little funnies, etc., were sent to me via e-mail by friends. Hope you enjoy!
WISDOM
1. Give God what's right - not what's left.
2. "Pray" is a four-letter word you can say anywhere - except in public schools.
3. Man's way leads to a hopeless end - God's way leads to an endless hope.
4. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
5. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
6. To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
7. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma - but never let him be the period.
8. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
9. God grades on the cross, not the curve.
10. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a facelift.
11. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
12. God doesn't want shares of your life - He wants a controlling interest.
13. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
14. We don't change God's message - His message changes us.
15. The church is prayer-conditioned.
16. When God ordains, He sustains.
17. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
18. Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
19. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
20. Suffering with truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
21. Exercise daily - walk with the Lord.
22. Coincidences happen when God chooses to remain anonymous.
23. Wisdom has two parts - 1) having a lot to say 2) not saying it.
24. Never give the devil a ride - he will always want to drive.
25. A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.
26. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
27. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
28. He who angers you, controls you.
29. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
30. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
31. Forbidden fruits create many jams.
32. Be ye fishers of men - you catch them & He'll clean them.
33. Deciding not to choose Jesus is still making a choice.
34. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
35. Read the Bible - It will scare the hell out of you.
36. If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.
CHURCH MARQUEE SIGNS
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving."
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks."
"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are."
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"
"Come early for a good Back-seat."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash."
"Walmart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"Delay is preferable to error."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies." :-)
"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard."
"May is God's apology for February."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"
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BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
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TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS FOR SALE. NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN-MADE PRODUCTS"
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
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WASHER & DRYER for sale, $300.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
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BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
AND The Winner Is:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 negotiable. No longer needed.
Recently married; wife knows everything.
The BOMB FRIEND!
Friend,
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue,
I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile,
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared,every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!
A friend will help you. A true friend will help you move and hide the body!
Tampons and Cigarettes - This is too cute not to pass on.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales-girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Intaxication
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreplay
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis
Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis
A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido
All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE
To all my friends:
If you will take the time to read these, I promise you'll come away with an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis! They're written by Andy Rooney,a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy........
I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned....
that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned....
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way
I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with
I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned....
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned....
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
The Gift of Life
On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow,
"Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long.
You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."
The cow objected, "What? This kind of a tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you."
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "You are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years."
The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span."
The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back."
So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?"
So God agreed.
AND THAT'S WHY...
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family.
For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks.
And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!
A man woke up to find a gorilla in his backyard tree. He phoned the nearest S.P.C.A. The service man arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The Chihuahua has been trained to go straight for his private parts. When the gorilla crosses his hands to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on him." "Got it! But what's the shotgun for?" asked the homeowner. "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the service man said, "Shoot the Chihuahua!
Click here for a moving story
. This was too big for me to download onto the computer I'm at right now, so I just put the link here. Enjoy!
LIFE MATHEMATICS
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!
A Few of Life's Unanswered Questions
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?