I was born and born and born and born
until my mother was bored,
until we decided to raise me
from suckling to child to youth
to adult to elder adult to even elder adult
to the old man who stopped fearing
and so I asked: "What do you really know?"
they said they knew it all but wouldn't tell
I figured they knew I had lied at times
liars can't object to other liars
"even lies can die", I heard a murmur
and I felt some relief
sometimes even I feel freedom
at least in the form of a wild desire
for riding the beast so hard that it dies
she didn't say gimme gimme gimme
but I said take take take
there's reality below reality
a dream, hidden by sleep
until you are you only know
a piece form this, something from that
you believe and I believe and they believe
until we're safe from harm
when the spotlights move away
from ourselves
----------------------------------------------------------
8.9.04 1:09 AM
I know I'm drawn again
to seek the warm, thick, invisible blood
to cover anything
I want to bleed along, want to see the drops
roll
down
my
arms
I only don't cut because I never did
I'm only used to cut my mind
until the ectoplasm comes forth
and I feel how it burns back into me
I'm not even masochistic, well, at least not much
I only wish the warmth, want to feel it running
over all the muscles in my body, and over
my gut, my cock, my fingers, my lips, my feet
you can't tell unless you know
and I think I doubt you know
the warmth I speak of is different from sunshine
I think it's the love of a dead man,
coming from an empty tomb
unconditional but rare
I do not hear his voice too often
he doesn't travel far from the cross
to where anyone comes when the bodies perish
----------------------------------------------------------
8.9.04 early night
even though I left much of my skizo behind
I still like to listen to the singer Sade now and then
and imagine that she's a lonely girl
and that I'm the far off other about whom she ..
sings "your love is king"
and "this is no ordinary love"
or "love is stronger than pride"
it's kinda childish, perhaps,
but I'd like to see the man who doesn't know
this kind of longing
to be a cherished someone in the heart of another
"in heaven's name why do you play this game"
.... "hang on to your love" ... not to play this game
but to always run after true love
run with all my strength, never letting go
not of the so-called true love, but of what ..
of what ... of what I don't have a proper name for
I sometimes think love's a broken up pyramid
and all the goods that had been buried
had been stolen from the beloved king or queen
and then it feels like love is corpse only
in the midst of empty pots and chests
I know that's inaccurate, since a while
I can't think up good metaphors
maybe I need to dig myself a hole again
make myself a coffin, and pots and chests
and fill them, with oil, jewelry, scrolls
oh this fucking metaphor, it imprisoned me
there's always a catch in my words,
I miss the mark, I make a scene
f.o.r.g.e.t. this entry
----------------------------------------------------------
10.9.04 8:50 PM
there are times when we feel
very deeply and intensely
but if those feelings want to go out
and meet themselves in other people's eyes
to find understanding
... then sometimes it doesn't work
and it seems like we've been given a feeling
that would suffice for many people
but yet we have to bear it out alone
and sometime's it's us who don't feel
the depths, the burning fires
when we're shallow and close to nothing
and then we might see someone else around
who feels the precious rarities
and as much as we couldn't stand
to have to content with silence as the only question
we now have to do with silence as our only offer
----------------------------------------------------------
13.9.2004
each day of mine has this moment
when I want to know I developed
understood something, felt at home,
had met one of the deeper gazes,
found a truth, wrote a poem
this is what I need as a human
something that shakes my times
it's like feeling the trace of a kiss somewhere
on myself, on my complete being
kisses create, I almost think
most lifes began with kisses
not just with sex and conception
----------------------------------------------------------
14.9.2004
I'm sometimes fearing my mother's face
since she got old
on old photographs she looks lovely
but now her face looks so stern
strict and scary
her hair has turned in a strange color
a desolate form of grey
her eyebrow hairs are almost all gone now
but it always looks like she's raising them
makes her face look like she's always preparing
for the next hard critique
I often find it hard to connect to her
though I know she's soft and good inside
most of the time
but I see it so clearly
she doesn't understand who I am now
someone who is no child anymore
no more the one to wrap herself around
----------------------------------------------------------
18.11.2004
all these thick questions, supplied with blood
float around in my head again
thoughts like "what is the truth about this all?"
and "am I longing for death or just fearing life?"
sometimes it's like a glimpse
of confidence about knowing where I go
a small thin man with large glasses
was like an answer to prayers today
easy to be with, not demanding a thing
we just talked and the hours flew quickly
it didn't matter that we lived in different worlds
it didn't even matter that I couldn't tell
that I have no life, that I'm a lunatic by choice
loneliness faded for the time being
and I was valid for a while
he writes poems like me, and no better stuff
he's pretty much like me in other ways too
maybe it was time for a new friendship
but when can finding new friends ever be wrong?
I think this is a small beginning
life can be gentle and nice to me too
it feels like a warm hand on my cold chest
I haven't been forgotten
----------------------------------------------------------
8.9.04 13:30
I think I can be glad, 'cause I still forget dreams
no matter how weak I emerge from sleep
the battery always recharges, no matter how slow
I wonder what I'm doing while asleep
if I fight with devils or demons
or perhaps travel a realm far from this one here
some dreams I have when I'm awake
when I find myself staring a hole in the air
and suddenly pictures fade in and out in my mind
of tables, with walkmen or ipods or something
and a recorder with a big green switch
then I feel like a heart that has to beat air
and I'm caught in a powerful silence
I'm glad that you don't subscribe much to yourself
but rather to existence, to being, to life
for I'd hate to hate you
-----------------------------------------------------------
8.9.04 late evening
just been in a bar down the street for a while
drinking sweet wine to honor the end of summer
reading some local poetry magazine
I was amazed to see how similar the topics were
to those of mine, I usually forget the other people
I tend to view them as side actors only
side actors in my story, or in the big story
now I know better once more
the truth not to leave behind the others
if I don't wish to be left behind neither
we're far from each other : true
but have we not all been thrown into this mess?
thrown into fear? into nothingness?
oh my pride, my old undying pride
I don't want to accept the philosophy of a friend
but deep down I know already that she's right
or at least very honest, honest enough
-----------------------------------------------------------
9.9.04 6:10 PM
I remember what a colleague once told me
about aborigines, how they would hide
secrets ... by writing on the wood
behind the bark of the trees
I think I should take it as a lesson
secrets and promises are so much alike
maybe God takes secrets
as earnest as prayers, in a way
-----------------------------------------------------------
10.9.04
I'm used to immediately write it down
when something comes to me
today it's a bit different
instead of the urge to author a response
I only got still in myself
the wind had stopped and the tree
stood to marvel its many leafes
unmoved by a wind
only the sun was doing something still
and it felt like the wind had gone
because the sun and the tree
wanted to relax and take a break
-----------------------------------------------------------
11.9.2004 afternoon
Yesterday I was out for a long walk
the sun was shining and I was sweating a little
at first there was the usual anxiety
I find myself in when going out
after having stayed indoors for too long
but then things calmed down
and I even was really merry
I knew again that all the big things
truth, love, death and them all
must be taught some humility
towards happiness, must learn some tenderness
for everyday life
I think I worked in the fields a bit again
plucking out some weed
I remember how I used to collect weeds
when I was at home
and feed dandelions to dad's rabbits
happiness is feeling how the pain and not me
helplessly burns out
-----------------------------------------------------------
10.9.04 9 minutes before midnight
was out with Jens and Jenn
sushi's and later flamenco
a real real nice time it's been
I'm starting to get acquainted with Jenn
she doesn't feel like a stranger to me anymore
first 45 minutes of flamenco were a bit tough
I didn't get into the rhythm somehow
later this changed
and I began to quietly clap my hands
and move my feet
then it was hot
I felt lifted up from my place
and placed besides the musicians
I could suddenly understand
the wild grimaces the guitarrero was making
and loved to follow the trails
of the dancers with my eyes
been a real good time
I'm thankful and happy
-----------------------------------------------------------
16.9.2004 0:26
it's like in the movie
"Fight club"
I want something that's not here
what I could try to find elsewhere
but, I remain
a dog in his shack
not going far from the usual routes
when will I hear it?
the sound of the pistol
or will it just click?
and once again prove to me
that freedom never bites me
is a faithful lover
always just a day away
-----------------------------------------------------------
18.9.04 2:13 AM
switched from white wine
to a red one, a sour one
for me red wine isn't for loners
should be a drink for friends
'round a camp fire
somewhere where you can
see the stars shine at night
some bottles that go from hand to hand
while the fire burns and crackles
I. Want. A. Fire.
-----------------------------------------------------------