 |
|
|
|
|
"The difference
between
men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of
an
infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to
save
the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base."
"The Democrats seem
to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again
that they have the management skills of celery."
"Cigarette sales
would
drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
"Life is anything that
dies when you stomp on it."
"You can only be
young once. But you can always be immature."
"Dogs
need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds
of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent,
are often continued in the next yard."
"Big business never
pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes."
"I spent part of a day
driving around the Greater Grand Forks (North Dakota) area, where you
can
see many breathtakingly spectacular vistas if you have taken
hallucinogenic
drugs."
from "OK, they're brrr-y, brrr-y nice up there in North Dakota"
"All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"
Sweating Out Taxes
"A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person."
"The problem... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer."
Postpetroleum Guzzler
"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."
"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
"The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use."
"You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact, many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily."
"Recently, I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself: "Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby." So I got a hobby. I make beer."
A Boy and his Hobby
"Over the next hundred years or so football saw a great many major innovations and refinements that are too boring to even think about. Along the way professional football came into being so that the largest and most violent college players would have a way to earn money other than simply demanding it from innocent civilians"
From Football Deflated
"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent."
"I like beer. On occasion I will even drink a beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that our refrigerator is still working."
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
From DAVE BARRY's GUIDE TO COLLEGE
"As an American, you are very fortunate to live in a country (America) where you have many legal rights. This doesn't mean you can do just anything. For example, you can't shout "FIRE!" in a crowded theater. Even if there is a fire, you can't shout it. A union worker has to shout it."
"American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors."