TITLE: Café Confessions
AUTHOR: Rae
SPOILERS: William
DISCLAIMER: ::snort::
DISTRIBUTION: Please ask.
I'll most likely be thrilled and say yes.
FEEDBACK: ultimatexffan@hotmail.com
THANKS: to ga for a quick beta. I’d also like to thank sallie, SLS, meridy, Shelby Parker and Megan for reading and praising while visiting last month.
NOTES: This is a sequel to Graveside Questions and picks up where that one left off, so you may want to read that one first. You can find it here: http://www.oocities.org/rachellee7/fanfic.html

Cafe Confessions

They say that a child never forgets his mother. Even if she never held him outside the womb, once he was brought against her breast and could hear her heartbeat, he would know he was where he belonged. Once he caught her scent in the air, he would recognize where he’d begun. And once he heard her voice, something inside would click, and he’d call upon basic instincts and recognize the lilt. I’m not sure who this collective “they” are, or how “they” became such experts on the subject, but I’m counting on “them” being right.

1.

When I arrived home from the cemetery, Kevin was waiting for me on the front steps. He told me that it was as if I had dropped out of the sky and landed on the Van de Kamps' front lawn. He couldn’t find any paper trails at all. He told me I should just forget it, that I should mark that day as a new beginning with a clean slate and go wherever my heart told me.

I walked inside, sat at the kitchen table and read through all the paperwork again. And again. And again. It wasn’t until about 4:30 that morning when I noticed it. It had been written in pencil and then erased right above the staple on the third page. If I hadn’t ripped the pages apart during my initial shock and anger, I never would have seen it.

Monica 202-961-2389.

I looked at that number for three days, working up the courage to call. All sorts of scenarios played out in my mind and I was certain that each in turn was what would happen. I knew that if I called that number, I would hear an emotionless, computerized voice telling me the number was not in service. I knew the person on the other end would tell me that they’d had the number for sixteen years and didn’t know anyone named Monica. I knew that once Monica answered and I told her who I was, she’d ask me never to call again and hang up on me. And I knew that as soon as I said hello, she would know me instantly, say she was sorry and that she’d be right over to catch up on the life she gave away. I wasn’t sure which scene I wanted to actually play out, so I folded up the papers, put them in an envelope and tried to forget about them.

A few months later, the sky exploded. People said it was the beginning of the end. The aliens said they were looking for one human and that everyone else would be spared. The rebels, both the alien rebels and the humans that stood up with them, told the Grays that the person they were looking for was dead. The Grays stayed and looked all over our planet. But two years later, they gave up and left.

^^^^^^^^^^

When this journey of discovery began, I was confused and angry and hurt. My life had been turned completely upside down and I had no way of knowing how to right it once again. My center of gravity disappeared when I learned that I wasn’t whom I had been brought up to believe I was. I was left to flounder in the wake of truth without even a life vest to keep me afloat amidst the turbulence of lies surrounding me. Sometimes I still feel as if I’m drowning.

2.

“Hello?”

“Um hi. Could I talk to Monica?”

“Yeah, sure. Hold on a sec while I get her.”
.
.
.
“Hello?”

“Is this Monica?”

“Yes, I’m Monica.”

“I, um, I found your, um, number on the paper…”

“You found my number?”

“Yeah. Even though you erased it, I could still read it and, um, I just thought that if you wrote it, it meant you wanted me to find it, so ummm...Crap. I dunno what I’m doing. I’m sorry I bothered you.”

“No! Wait. Don’t hang up. Don’t hang up. Please, just take a deep breath and tell me who you are.”

“I’m William. I’m your son.”

“Ohmygod. William? Ohmygod. Okay. We can do this. Where are you?”

“Ummm, I’m at home. In, uh, Montana.”

“I can’t believe you found my number. I had written it quickly just in case, but then erased it because I was afraid. She doesn’t know I did that.”

“I just have to ask you something.”

“I’m sure you have lots of questions, William.”

“I’d like to start with just this one. I guess your answer will determine the rest.”

“Okay. I’ll answer it as best I can.”

“Why did you give me away?”

“Oh! Oh, no. It’s not what you think. I’m not your mother, William. I’m just a friend of Dana’s. And I think she should be the one to answer your questions. Tell me what you want to do.”

”What I want to do?”

“Yes. Do you want to give me your number to give to her? Or, would you rather I just give you her number and that way you can call her yourself?”

“My mother’s name is Dana?”

I don’t know why I chose to give Monica my number in the hopes that she would call. Once I hung up, I realized my mistake. She could choose to abandon me all over again. I remember that I sat by that phone, willing it to ring. Two hours later, the shrill noise broke the silence and I jumped.

^^^^^^^^^^

I know when I spoke to her on the phone we agreed to meet at noon, but I came early. I wanted to be able to watch as she walked in. I wanted to be able to see her before she saw me. I wanted to know that in the first moment I saw her, if I felt unsure, or scared, or if the air suddenly shifted, that I could get up and walk out and she would never even know that I had been there. It was all for naught. She walked in, looked right at me, and began to smile and cry all at once.

3.

It is exactly twelve ‘o-clock, Saturday, May 13, 2023. She has just walked through the door and I find myself frozen with dread, anticipation, fear, and hope. The only thing I can relate this to is the birth of my daughter. I thought for sure that I would be able to keep cool, but one look from her and I’m no longer a twenty-two-year-old trying to find my place in this world. All of a sudden, I’m just a boy who wants to be held by his mother.

She makes her way to the little round table in the corner by the window. I want this to be somewhat private, but I also want to be able to look out at my wife and daughter sitting on the bench across the street. They give me strength. They make me brave. And all at once I know that this is right. I know that regardless of what happens in this coffee shop, my life is not in the past, but right outside, reading “Pat the Bunny.”

As she stops in front of me, I look up and see the tears shining in her eyes. They’re my eyes. They’re also the eyes of my daughter. I look behind her and see the man standing close, trying to protect her with only his presence at her back. If I stood right now, I know I’d be as tall as him, and he has the same full bottom lip that Lisa loves to nip and suck once Katie is in her crib for the night.

The man steps forward and offers me his hand. “Hi. Fox Mulder.”

“William. William Adams.”

She had started to introduce herself, but stopped suddenly when I started speaking. “Your voice is your father’s. She looks wide-eyed at the man beside her and he smiles back gently, the corners of his eyes crinkling, the wrinkles reaching all the way to the gray hair at his temples. “Did you hear that, Mulder? He sounds just like you.” She turns back to me.

I look back and forth between the two of them. My parents. I’m nothing more than a combination of their DNA, yet this moment feels more surreal, more important; and I hate that. I want this to be as casual as any other meeting one might have at noon on a Saturday. I want this to go as smoothly as, say...someone giving up an infant son for adoption.

Katie is only ten weeks old, but from the moment I held her red and wrinkled body in my arms, I fell in love with her. Nothing could ever take her from me, and yet, they just gave me away to complete strangers. I’ve asked Lisa if she could ever do it. She looks at our daughter and tells me that someone would have to pry the baby from her death grip.

I watch as the two of them sit, and the air feels ripe with anticipation and expectation. I made the first move and called Monica. As far as I see it, the ball is totally in their court. I lean back in my chair, cross my arms over my chest and wait.

“William,” she whispers. “I can’t believe it’s really you. I’ve hoped and prayed, but never really believed that this day would ever come. And, now that it’s here, I don’t quite know what to say.”

The tears she had been holding back break free and begin to course down her cheeks. The man, my father, runs his hand over her head, trying to comfort her, but he never takes his eyes from me. I’m still not sure of what I want to say, so I just wait.

“I know you must be confused, and most likely angry, but I want you to know that you were always loved and wanted. I prayed for you for so long, and then one day you were here. Only a mother long denied the feel of a child in her arms could know the love I have for you. You look as if you’re trying to make yourself stay – as if you’re ready to fly out of here at any moment.”

My silence is her only answer. I’m beginning to think this wasn’t the best idea. The hurt and betrayal I’d first felt when I found the adoption papers comes back suddenly, and all I want to do is cuddle Katie close to my heart while Lisa holds me in her strong, sure arms.

“Please, William, just hear my story. I’m not asking for you to give me anything but time. I want you to know that the hardest thing I’ve ever done was to let my sweet baby go.”

We sit there for three hours while the two people who made my existence possible tell me a story that rivals any I could ever find within the pages of a fairy tale. When she finally sits back and wipes the tears from her eyes, she looks at me with an expression I’d know anywhere. It’s the same look Lisa has, as she sits and rocks Katie while she nurses from her breast. It’s a look that only a mother has for her child. I feel a warmth I’ve never known before, for as much as the Van de Kamps loved me, it was not the same as this.

“Do you understand, William? If there had been a way to keep you with me and keep you safe, I would have done it. Your life was all that I considered. Not my happiness, not how I would survive without you in my arms, just that you were alive and unaware of your importance in this world.”

“So I was the one the aliens were looking for?”

My mother looks at my father. She drops her eyes to her lap and he says, “That’s what we were told, William.”

“But you said you were told that AFTER you gave me away. If you loved me so much and had wanted me SO MUCH, why did you give me away? You say one thing, but your actions tell a different story. My whole life has been a lie. I feel that I shouldn’t really trust what you tell me now.”

She recoils as if I slapped her hard across the face and I realize that I could not have hurt or shocked her more than I did with those words. Her voice is small, nearly a whisper, when she finally responds. “I was all alone. I was confused. Your father had left and things kept ha-happening. It was as if, every day, someone was there trying to take you from me. I could no longer see the dangers until it was too late. I felt that the only way to keep you alive, the only way to give you any chance at a happy life, was to give you up.”

“But you didn’t know.”

A look of confusion crosses her face, prompting me to elaborate.

“You said you felt you could only keep me safe by giving me up, but there was no way for you to know that.”

“That has been my fear and only waking thought for the last twenty-two years.”

We all fall silent. It’s a stalemate. They’ve come, given me their story and now it’s up to me to figure out what I want to walk away with.

^^^^^^^^^^

How can one person be expected to make a life-altering decision in the space of a heartbeat? I have lived my whole life knowing the consequences of my actions and have always been prepared for those consequences. I’m not sure I’m ready for whatever happens next.

4.

“Well, the Grays have come and gone and I’m still here – what happens now?”

It’s a bold move on my part, putting the decision back into their hands. But I’m curious to know what they think will happen. Did they show up here expecting to regain the son they abandoned? Did they agree to meet just to clear the air and give the entire escapade a sense of closure? Do they feel that they’ve righted their wrong and can now go about their lives with a clear conscience and a pure heart?

He speaks first. “That’s entirely up to you, William. We would love to know you. We want to know all about you – from your favorite color to your hopes and dreams for your future.”

She nods her head, but I speak up before she can say anything.

“I don’t know.” Her face falls and tears instantly fill her eyes. I hastily add, “It’s just that this is all so much. I only just called Monica yesterday and here you are. I need to talk to Lisa. She’s my wife, but more than anything, she’s my confessional. I tell her everything and she makes it all right.”

“You’re married.” She looks around the small café, hoping to catch a glimpse of my wife.

“Yes. Last June. But I’ve loved her forever. She walked into my kindergarten class and I was tormenting and teasing her before nap time.”

“That’s beautiful, William. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve found love. You smile when you talk about her. Did you know that?”

“No. I wasn’t aware. It makes sense, though. She makes me happy - no. She is my happiness.”

It grows quiet again, and I sense that they’re waiting for me to continue – invite them to dinner, to my life.

“Look, I’d like nothing more than to tell you that I understand what you did and why you did it, declare that we all live happily ever after, and leave arm-in-arm ready to face the world together. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.”

The man across the table takes a deep breath before saying, ”We’re willing to accept whatever you’re ready to give. Nothing would please us more than to reclaim the family we lost, but we will abide by whatever decision you make.”

“It’s just that...” I stop and look around the coffee shop, trying to gather my thoughts. “It’s just that when everything is said and done, you’re still just strangers to me. I don’t even know what to call you.”

They both nod slowly, but offer no solutions.

“It’s like this. The Van de Kamps were great. They took care of me and I never even knew they weren’t my folks until after they both died. For three years, I was angry and confused and just didn’t know what to think of anything. The only thing that seemed right in my life was Lisa. When I told her I wanted to marry her but didn’t have a name to give her, she told me I could have hers. That’s what it’s like for us. One of us always seems to have what the other needs.”

I look out the window and see Lisa sitting on the bench. She had left about an hour and a half ago – probably to take Katie to the park – and had recently returned. She was gently rocking the stroller back and forth with her foot while reading a book to herself.

“I think I do want you in my life. I mean, I called an erased number on a twenty-year-old piece of paper. I just need some time. I mean, I don’t want us to walk out of here, promising to keep in touch, but not really meaning it; but at the same time, I don’t think I’m ready to call you mom and dad and wrap you both up in a big hug like it’s only been a couple of weeks since we last saw each other. My life has calmed down over the last year. I have found peace. I’m only trying to heal some wounds that still bleed every now and then.”

They both nod. I stand up and gather the empty coffee cups from the table. I look out the window again and notice that Lisa has seen me prepare to leave. She rises from the bench and begins to cross the street.

“I, um, I think I’d like to introduce you to my family.”

Smiles blossom across their faces. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She reaches out to touch my arm, but stops herself and says, “We’d love to.”

We step out into the warm, spring day and meet Lisa on the sidewalk. I pull her close and kiss her on the cheek, then bend down and pull Katie from the stroller. She gurgles happily and sucks on my nose.

I hear a slight gasp and I realize that I never mentioned Katie while we were in the coffee shop. They had only expected to meet my wife. I tear my eyes from my daughter and smile.

“These are my girls. I’d like you to meet my wife, Lisa, and our daughter, Katherine.”

“Fox Mulder and this is Dana.” He steps forward and offers his hand to Lisa.

My mother hasn’t moved.

I watch as she visibly pulls herself together.

“Would you like to hold your granddaughter?”

She nods, slightly, never taking her eyes from the baby. She cradles Katie close, and brushes a soft kiss across the crown of her head. Katie watches warily, not sure what to make of the stranger holding her.

“My middle name is Katherine.”

“We call her Katie. Katherine is a big name for a little girl, but we wanted to give her a name she could grow into.”

“She’s beautiful, William. You have a lovely family.”

I step forward to reclaim my child, and it’s at that moment that Katie decides there is nowhere else she’d rather be and lays her head on her grandmother’s shoulder.

“I know what I said in there, but, I think I’d like it if the two of you would come back to our place for a little while.”

They both look up at me, surprised. Different emotions play across each of their faces as my words sink in.

“Are you sure, William?” There is hope in her voice.

“It’s like I said. I’m not quite sure where all of this is going to go, but I’m just not ready to say good-bye yet.”

They both nod. My father puts his arm around my mother as she bends her head to place another kiss upon my daughter’s cheek. I take the stroller from Lisa and start off down the street, my wife by my side and my parents two steps behind.

This is my family.

We are nowhere near completion, but the wound has started to heal.

end

all of my stories can be found at:
http://www.oocities.org/rachellee7/fanfic.html

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