In
the first year, there was a pattern emerging that would continue throughout our
relationship. We would always see each
other when her boy-friend(s) were either out of town, or just somewhere else. Most of these guys were never threatened by
me, and saw Jennifer and I as just good friends. I often was afraid that Jennifer saw us as just friends, but she
would always sense this in me and make sure that I knew it was something more. Sometimes it was as simple as taking my arm,
and pulling in close for a moment.
Other times it was a smile and a whack.
I don’t think either one of us knew exactly what it was. In time, I would recognize it for what I
missed most about love. Whatever more
it was remained undefined for so long that I had to separate myself from
her. I had to leave her be for a while,
in the hopes that I might be able to just be her friend. I realize now that anyone I feel that much
about means so much more to me than that.
In truth, I was just trying to hang on to her in any way I could.
Among
the heads, I had become a very straight headed person, the one who always knew
what was going on in any ones head.
This was only an illusion, but still, I managed to help more than a fair
share of manic-depressive twits, and honest-to-god lost souls in my hours of
high school. My knowledge came first
hand, as my parents had spent my entire child-hood trying to figure what was
wrong with me. I never thought there
was anything wrong with me, but it was very hard for my ego to argue with the
adult psychotherapist who had all sorts of fancy names for an excitable little
guy like me: hyper-tensive, hyper-active, manic-depressive, lax-inteligencia,
obsessive-compulsive... Every month or
two, since I was a youngin', there has been doctors in my life, not searching
for a medical problem, but a mental one.
I guess I grew up with it to such a degree, that I did not realize what
kind of an effect this has on a growing child.
I spent my childhood absorbing their statements, and comparing it with
how I felt about life. It never matched
up. Like a dream you woke up from but
cannot remember, but hope was a premonition of a day in your life to come. In thinking about it a bit more, I have come
to see what that dream is, or at least where the idea came from.
I have been really fixated on the 60's
era since my child-hood, and especially in my teens. My first record in life was the Beatles abbey road. My favorite song was "The Octopuses
Garden", probably for the idea of escape it gives little children. The story in the song is what began my
love-affair for music. The
communication of feelings through sound is the most powerful form of
conversation I have ever felt. It is
the only conversation, aside from person to person, that I have felt. It was the bands from the 60's whoo had
introduced the idea to me so well. For
a long time, I could not nail down exactly what was so exciting about this era
of music. It is not, by far, a strict
practice for me. I love music from all
genre's, and in all forms, providing I can feel the story, or the conversation
behind the creation. Itt was Rob Alley
who finally put this mystery in perspective for me. When I was in college, he and I were the only trumpet players,
and Rob was good. He was
incredible. He was a little older than
me, and we would both smoke cigarettes together, and listen to jazz. Jazz was his love.
Next Page: