By Morgan

I knew as soon as I saw her that she'd be perfect. Watching them now, strolling along the beach hand in hand, bodies close, eyes only for each other I see that I was right. I wish I could take more comfort in that.

She is beautiful - and young. Curious enough to want to see the stars, travel to far off places, intelligent enough to carve her own place amongst the crew and stubborn enough to stand up for herself. You see, all this time hasn't been completely wasted. I know what kind of woman Chakotay falls in love with. I used to be that kind of woman myself.

She laughs and his head turns enough towards her for me to see his smile and my heart plummets at the recognition. I remember when he used to smile at me like that.

I don't think he suspected what I was doing. After I met her, realised how good they would be for each other, I backed out of the negotiations, turned them over to him, agreed without a demur with his suggestion that we spend a few weeks here, to restock, recharge our batteries.

Manipulative? Damn straight. But fate, or Chakotay's need to love someone was on my side. He didn't have to fall in love with her, but he did. She didn't have to return those feelings, but she does. There, the ending I wanted, all debts to him are repaid and I no longer have to worry about my First Officer's feelings for me. He will be happy, loved and cared about while I grow old, bitter and lonely - which is no doubt how it was meant to be.

At least this way I'll be able to fool myself that I wasn't the one to let go. Not being able to do that has kept as at an impasse for all this time, a different solution was required and I've always been so creative.

At least this way I can keep loving him in secret without ever having to find a way to do so in the real world.

At least this way his capacity for love will be fully realised, not wasted on someone who will never be able to reciprocate the way he wants.

They came to see me a few hours ago, still basking in the glow of their new feelings. She wants to come with us, with him I should say and I need all the crew I can get. Another scientist, we probably have a lot in common - beyond the obvious. Of course I said yes, it was what I planned all along, and we all know how important it is for me to be right.

If I cry myself to sleep, well that's just between me and the pillows. If I've taken to sleeping on the couch so as not to hear them making love, well, it's probably better for my back.

I see a future ahead of me, of perpetuating a myth I have created and the sad thing is not that I will do it, but that I know I can. I've had a lot of practice in making people believe the most unlikely things.

Forgive me Chakotay, if you can. For loving you too much to see you m

I want to call his name, even now. Call him back to me before he is too far away, fall into his arms and never let him go. But I open my mouth and all that comes out is a whisper, so that only the west wind hears.

The End

Do What You Have To Do

What ravages of spirit conjured this temptous rage
Created you a monster broken by the rules of love?
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do

And I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

But I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

A glowing ember, burning hot and burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

And I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

Sarah McLachlan - Do What You Have to Do
From Surfacing