Kool
Stuff
By Meer
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Sometimes other people tell you that you SHOULD love yourself more. Family, friends, even therapists imply that something is wrong with you because you are not filled with self-love. On occasion, you hate yourself because you don't love yourself. (Am I speaking the truth here?) You want to love yourself... you need to love yourself... you are dying to love yourself... but you are unable to do it. If you have read this far, you need to read this entire article -- it is for you. Consider this a love letter. Just reading it will help. Just thinking about this issue in this way will make a difference. So let's get on with it. About a dozen years ago, I encountered an aspect of myself that scared me to death. I was sitting in my office, writing in my journal. As I looked at the blank page, I felt compelled to write down what I hated about myself. Without censoring, I wrote everything I could think of. Before I knew it, I had filled four pages. I was shocked. I was sick to my stomach. I was very, very afraid. I was not new to self-hate. I had had a lot of therapy before this fateful day. I was in the "business" and I was pretty self-aware. But this day I was unprepared for the truth that stared out at me from those pages. I was screwed. After all my inner work, I still hated myself. Where was all the self-love I had tried to cultivate? Why was I still abandoning myself to the heartless judgments that emerged in my journal? For a while, I felt powerless, hopeless and shamefully foolish. I had worked so hard to overcome this. But after my best efforts, I was still a victim, still stuck, still a hypocritical jerk that could help everybody but himself. Then, for some unknown reason, call it grace, I made a decision. I decided that I would not live the second half of my life with this horror. I would have to find a way to love myself or I would die. When I made this decision, I started to cry, hard. As I sobbed, I felt a flood of relief. Something snapped inside. Something that had been going in one direction, all my life, turned around and started going the other way. I did not love myself 100% the next day or the day after that. I had walked a long way down that dark road. But now, after turning around, I could see the light in the distance and everyday I got a little closer. Along the way, I have learned some lessons. Lessons about self-love. I think they will help you walk that same road. I'll wait for you to catch up. Come on. THE PATH TO SELF-LOVE: NOTES FROM A JOURNEYMAN From the point of view of self-hate, loving yourself makes absolutely no sense. You cannot make a case for self-love that self-hate will accept... EVER. Once you realize and accept this, you will be ready for some giant steps towards loving yourself. Stop arguing with the hateful, critical inner judge. It has no ears. It has no eyes. You cannot convince it that it is wrong. Instead of arguing, start using that same energy to become irrational. Self-love in the beginning is irrational. It makes no sense. It is something you do that is against all reason. Think about it. Aren't you an expert at listing and describing your faults? Aren't you right about your imperfections? Don't you have ample evidence for your self-condemnation? I'll bet you even have a number of family members and friends that would agree with you. Becoming perfect BEFORE you love yourself is not an option. It's an impossibility. You are right about yourself and that's it. So the solution is not perfection or cleaning up your act. The solution is irrationality. It is time to love yourself for no good reason. That's correct. I said... for no good reason. Love yourself just because you feel like it. Love yourself just because you exist. No justification. No sensible reasons. Just because. This kind of senseless act of kindness will put your inner judge into a tailspin. You are free of the balance sheet of positives and negatives. You are liberated from climbing the ladder of self-justification. Just love yourself for no good reason. Look inside and face an important fact: There is a part of you that already loves you... no matter what. It has always been there. It is that part that keeps you alive. It is that part that helps you avoid your pain. It is that part that makes sure you survive no matter what. If you are reading this, right now at this moment, it is working. You do not have to do anything to justify yourself to this powerful aspect of your inner being. It loves you. It cares about your survival and your well-being. It is the reason you are reading this article. It constantly drives you towards what you need and want, no matter what obstacles appear. The thing to do now is simply accept the reality of this. No work required. No justification needed. You are loved by the deepest part of yourself for no good reason. Just be with that thought for a moment. Be with that thought one moment a day. It will respond by growing larger and larger. You can count on it. There are other lessons I have learned on the path to self-love. I'll share the rest at another time. I take another step on the path every day. I invite you to join me... FOR NO GOOD REASON. -Dr. Matthew Anderson Back
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