| “Cats are like Women, Dogs are like Men”
By: Rajean Gallagher GWS 501 Fall, 2000 “Dogs are from Mars, Cats are from Venus”- Steve Parke INTRODUCTION The advice popularized in paperback self-help books has been under scrutiny since the early 1970’s. Feminist criticism of paperback therapy include claims that these books enforce stereotypes of (among other things) passivity, narcissism and encourage unhealthy self-imaging because of the stereotypical gender roles espoused within the self-help books. Since women are the primary purchasers of self-help books, this subject almost demands a feminist critique. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: A Practical guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships by John Gray and You Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen are two of the most recent self-help books. While Tannens’ book claims women and men communicate differently because they are essentially from different cultures (cross-cultural theory of communication), Gray claims that men and women are (metaphorically) from two altogether different planets. Through musical satire, jazz musician Steve Parke expressed some comedic annoyance regarding this kind of pigeonholing and abuse of metaphor when he suggests that “Dogs are from Mars, Cats are from Venus.” John Gray and Deborah Tannen’s work fails to prove a cross-cultural base in trans-gender communication due to their neglect of the subordination of women expressed by the multi-cultural theories of Aida Hurtado in her book The Color of Privilege. Gray and Tannen both ascribe differences in communication styles to cultural (or planetary) differences. Neither author adequately explores the power issues that exist between these groups, therein implying an equitable distribution of power between each group. First, I will explain Aida Hurtado’s Reflexive Theory of Gender Subordination as it applies to power in communication. Second, I will evaluate John Gray's book of advice using Hurtado’s theory of gender subordination as a framework. Third, I will then evaluate Tannen’s book in comparison to the gender subordination theories postulated by Hurtado. Finally, I will compare Tannen’s work against John Gray’s as a part of the conclusion. I focus not only on the powerful uses of verbal silence and physical withdrawal, but also their potential effects on women and men within interpersonal heterosexual communication. For the purposes of this paper, the definitions of specific words will assist communication. In this context, silence is defined as verbal abandonment during a conversation. Withdrawal is defined as the emotional and (at times) physical absence from conversation. The Cross-cultural theory of communication theorizes that men and women are different in their communication styles due to socialization, and that they are speaking different languages (and relating) as culturally diverse populations. Multi-cultural theory postulates that each different group—regardless of any variable of race, or class, deserves equal representation and value. Within the context of this paper, the phrase trans-gender designates the communication between genders. Hurtado Aida Hurtados’ theory of gender subordination is part of a larger theory of power that benefits white males and leaves almost all other groups subordinate to the dominant patriarchal system. Hurtado correctly claims that this lack of value is part of the ranking of hierarchical order. This order was constructed by the dominant group and relegates white women to a secondary position. Additionally, this structure then places all people of color (African Americans, Latinos, Native Americans, and other non-Whites) into the least valued group. This allows the dominant group to benefit from the enforced sacrifices of these other groups. To Hurtado, as to other feminists of color such as bell hooks, the color of privilege is pretty pale. Indeed the color is white. Within this theory she explains that there exists a specific “game”, or series of tricks, that this structure utilizes to benefit its own self-interests. Hurtado’s listing of these methods is part of her theory on how to combat the abuses by this structure, which she names “Reflexive Feminist Theory of Gender Subordination.” As she outlined these power “games”, two of them applied specifically to communication theory as espoused in Gray and Tannen’s works. The first is “Trick #1,” which she describes as: ”If I am not the center of the Universe, you do not even exist…I will not listen to you…. and I will remove myself from the situation.” The second trick is “#6” which is described as: “I will constantly subvert your efforts at dialogue by claiming, ”we do not speak the same language.” … and “I will assert that many of our difference if not all of them, are due to our different ways of communicating.” (Hurtado, 139) these two tricks are played out in Gray’s and Tannen’s books. Gray To evaluate John Gray in Hurtado’s reflexive theory framework points out many flaws in his work. One of his most glaring mistakes from a multi-culturalist feminist viewpoint is that he never mentions communication differences/similarities outside of white heterosexual relationships. Therefore, he implies either that he does not see differences along race/gender lines or that he does not even see the non-white groups in the first place. To quote Hurtado, “The powerful have the privilege to ignore and therefore make invisible those with less power.” (Hurtado, 139) Considering the difference in African American oppression, with a white emphasis on repression of African American men, it is logical to consider the idea that people of color might have different conversational styles that whites. From a multi-culturalist point of view, this oversight on the part of Gray is typical of the “I do not see you so you do not exist” mentality that is pervasive in American society (among others.) John Gray’s book utterly fails to be a pro-feminist book on any level, though he gives lip service to the equality of the genders. His advice for women is quite blatant in this regard when it comes to a familiar situation: getting lost while driving. He suggests: “Instead of offering to help, (she should) restrain herself from offering to help…and appreciate in her heart what (he) was doing for her.” Apparently this applies even to cases where women know the desired destination route. This advice also lacks merit for the average woman, who might not see a “loving gesture” in what amounts to immature and illogical behavior. The important reading of his use of words also implies that women should not offer advice or help (in essence, remain quiet) until their partner allows them to speak. This obviously smacks of a blatant attempt to invalidate a woman’s right to speech—and free action. This brings to mind a quote by feminist author Carol Gilligan who states: ”the qualities deemed necessary for adulthood- the capacity for autonomous thinking, clear decision making, and responsible action are those associated with masculinity and are considered undesirable traits of the feminine self. “ (Nicholson, 206) Gilligan might also suggest “as a result of the differing values, (Which are pro-masculine) women …alter their judgements in deference to the feelings of others.” (Gilligan, 207) From Gray’s example, the ability to clearly decide is a masculine trait, and a woman should not presume to be unladylike and disrupt this process—even if the process has stalled. John Gray’s metaphors do not end with the division of men and women along the Greco-Roman traditions of God/Goddess. (Mars is the God of War and Venus is the Goddess of love- a stereotypical ideology of men as bearers of power/destruction and women of passivity/emotion.) Within Gray’s advice for women to understand that men need to get away from the stresses of life and family by going to their “caves”, he creates the metaphor that men are bears and need hibernation to recoup. His advice when this happens (in part): “Don’t disapprove…Don’t ask questions…Don’t offer solutions…etc.” (Gray 77) If a woman bothers a man verbally, she has violated the “rules”—as quoted above in Gilligan, by not deferring to him. The metaphorical bear is also a sign of potential physical attack. Every school child knows you should never disturb a hibernating bear. According to Hurtado, this is an example of Trick #1 (I will withdrawal, etc.) as this metaphor stresses the physical and emotional withdrawal that Hurtados mentions in her reflexive theory. Gray neglects to mention that this “withdrawal” can be particularly dangerous for men. Middle-aged men have the highest suicide rate and this “typical withdrawal” to a metaphorical cave may actually be a sign of the withdrawal from family and everyday activities that signals a serious depression. In fact, for safety and happiness, it might be better to not leave the sleeping bear alone. Tannen Deborah Tannen is much more egalitarian in her advice to couples—and much more vague. Most of the chapters in her book include a one-page advice-type section that essentially reiterates the same theme. In these chapters, couples are so grateful to be understand what they are experiencing that…well, understanding the differences is apparently enough. At the very most, Tannen suggests: ”Once couples realize that their partners have very different styles, they are inclined to accept differences.” (Tannen, 297) To be fair, Deborah Tannen is a socio-linguist and may feel that her place is to report the information as opposed to giving advice better left up to professional relationship counselors. If looked at from a multi-culturalist view, Tannen’s book is also very centered in white culture. Although she mentions the different ways that culture influence women’s conversational styles in her chapter titled “Who’s Interrupting?” she limits her examples to that of an Italian Woman and a Greek man. If Tannen’s theory of cross-cultural communication styles is to be consistent, it would almost require placing cultural differences within the context of transgender interactions to evaluate for dis/similarities within those groups. For example, are there more similarities or differences between an African American woman and a Latino women in communication styles? Do African American/Anglo American relationships vary in transgendered language? Do African men and women speak differently or in a different amount than Anglo couples do? Although Hurtado might be teased with Tannen’s inclusion of people not of the white persuasion, Tannen’s cross-cultural theory wouldn’t stand up to a multi-culturalist theory due to a lack of follow up on potential variations within and between various ethnic groups. Additionally, it appears that Deborah Tannen is also embracing the idea that it is appropriate for women to defer to men and that the “communication gap” is based in the idea that since men and women can not help but communicate so differently, that men have the right to play power games such as claiming that women and men are not speaking the same language. Tannen does not advocate the idea that women should be seen and not heard unless directed to speak. In fact, she examines the power issue mentioned by Hurtado by “claiming that men exert power by talking more than women, (and) women’s silence is cited as evidence that they have no power.” (Tannen 229) After that, Tannen draws conclusions that conflict with the theories of Hurtado. In a particular scene Tannen describes in her book, a woman is literally begging her husband to speak to her. After he pulls his leg away from his wife’s groveling grasp, he withdrawals to the bedroom. Tannen then states: “what makes (his) silence so punishing is Isadora’s insistence on making him talk to her…If Bennett (the husband) shared Isadora’s belief that problems should be talked out, or she shared his practice of withdrawing when problems arise, they would not have found themselves in this devastating scene.” Once again, the solution here is simply to understand each partner is inherently culturally different, and then each should immediately forgive the differences. Frankly, the advice implied here is again that men should avoid emotional conflicts by withdrawing and women should only speak when the partner deems it appropriate. It appears that the more intimate and healthy solution would be to have both parties calmly reflect on the issues and calmly discuss it. In a strange twist, Tannen then asks: “But would our interpretation change if we reversed this scene? With genders reversed, this scene seems impossible. It is hard to imagine a man begging his wife to tell him what he did wrong.” (Tannen 231) Although it seems obvious, it must be noted that men have done this very thing throughout history and stereotyping this scene as a gender improbability is erroneous. . If this gender reversal is hard to believe, it behooves us to question the power structure, not “cultural differences.” According to Hurtado’s theory of reflexive subordination, the husband is playing both of the “tricks” Hurtado mentions. The husband is not acknowledging his wife, therefore she does not exist, and he is withdrawing from the conversation to avoid her. In contrast to John Gray, Deborah Tannen does score points for not being blatantly stereotypical in her writing. She uses fewer words that denote passivity for women and action for men, but then she looses the game by not discussing how these issues are actually created by the supposed cultural gap she postulates. (It is worthy of note that Tannen used the passive word “could” while defending her product.) Although she claims that her work does not deny that men dominate women in society, she then contradicts herself with: "Granted, women have lower status in our society. But that is not necessarily why they prefer not to make outright demands…(it) could be that she is seeking connections.” (Tannen 225) It is worth comment that women do seek to make connections, as do men, but women are taught to use vague, cloaked words to avoid threatening men who are avoiding intimate connections. Conclusion John Gray’s work Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus is definitely more negative in terms of stereotyping gender behavior and implying essential traits to men and women than Deborah Tannen’s work You Just don’t Understand. Further, John Gray advocates using behaviors that are potentially harmful to women (silence, as an example), and even advocates behaviors that are potentially harmful to men (withdrawing.) Neither Tannen nor Gray substantiates their claims of cultural differences within the realm of interpersonal heterosexual relationships because they fail to provide an adequate base of comparison with other cultures, whether the culture is from the Earth or otherwise. According to The Color of Privilege by Aida Hurtado, each of these authors fails due to the lack of inclusion of all other cultures. In support of Hurtado’s theories of power structures, Carol Gilligan would likely find major problems with the power structure inherent to the use of silence and withdrawal. However, Carol Gilligan would likely not characterize these differences as being a semantic issue. To quote her, (these power issues) “reflect a conception that is itself out of balance (and) that favors separateness over connections with others.”(Gilligan 206) If men are the “one” and women are the “other”, the issue is not one of how we talk to each other, but how the power inherent in language serves to maintain a hierarchy that favors masculinity. The power of silence and withdrawal is one that needs to be carefully considered in transgendered communication, and in all other power hierarchies. |
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