and may trigger memories.
I am not sure but I have always felt it was tattooed on my forehead.
I was living my parent’s sin.
At least that is what I always believed.
It made more sense out of the madness of my early life.
I was just born into sin and I was to live it forever—burning in hell into eternity.
(Now with healing comes wisdom and I know now those thoughts
were only from the darkness of my tortured mind.
Depression is a bad teacher)
My real dad asked my mom to marry him but
she said no, she didn't love him
He Did pay the hospital bills and gave my mom
money to bring me up and then cut the ties
he never wished to hear from us again
and to his death he refused to see me.
When I was around 8 months old, my mother married a man who was a widower.
He had 3 children.
A year later, my mother and stepfather had my little sister.
Through my mother’s insistence, my step-dad adopted me
and changed my name to his.
But he never drew me into his heart.
In 1964, I had an older stepbrother of 13 years,
an older stepsister of 9 years,
another older stepbrother of just 2 years older then I,
and a half sister of 2 years younger.
You would think we had a great family and it looked it on the outside.
But opening the doors, you can let out the screeching cat!
It was mainly my eldest stepbrother that caused all of the dismay.
He didn’t like the idea of my mother and me upsetting his home.
He didn’t want a new mother.
This is a normal problem with two families coming together
but He took it too far.
He refused to do anything mother asked of him,
he cursed her, and one time went as far as throwing her down the stairs.
Step-dad finally put his foot down about manhandling his stepmother.
That is when he turned to me.
I wasn’t his real sister and he took all of his hatred out on me.
He was 15 and I was 3 when he took over my life.
He started with scarring me at ever turn.
Hiding behind corners and jumping out,
not letting me pass down the stairs.
Sitting on me till his heavy weight cut off my breathing.
Throwing bugs and laughing at me.
Seemingly typical brotherly teasing, right?
But I was an easy going but shy child.
I believed his scary stories.
He was older and had a friend who was even scarier then he was.
His friend was 13 and much taller then my stepbrother.
He slept over sometimes and tried to peek in on
my stepsister when she was in the bathroom.
He had even scarier stories and scarier faces to show me.
Night of Terror
When my soul was stolen,
When my angel fell from grace.
Night of Torture
When my mind withdrew
When my angel hid her face.
One night I awoke to being carried up to the attic where there were 2 big rooms.
My eldest stepbrother put me down in the back room.
His scary friend was there.
I still don’t have all of the memory of how things started
but the next thing I remember is all of us were nude.
To make a long story short, They did many unnatural things
They should had never dont but the main point is
(they molested and terrified me).
I remember begging for my mom and
a hand over my mouth
to silence me. My brother's friend raped me.
My brother did nothing ot stop him
Searing pain whipped through me, sharpening every minute.
Finally, my mind snapped. I went outside of myself.
I shut the nightmare off.
The next 3 years were the start of the rest of my changed life.
It would be the basis for all of my stupid mistakes and depression.
It would haunt my dreams without me knowing what it was.
It would give me the wish to die.
For 3 years I never knew when they would come for me
or what they would do when they did.
Eventually it was just down to my stepbrother.
By 5 it was only here and there.
A little midnight feel under the blankets while he jerked off.
By then I was very good at leaving my mind.
At 6 years old it ended.
That is around the time he threw my mother down the stairs
and my step-dad threw him out.
He went to live with relatives but never came back to live again.
My eldest stepbrother and his friend had threatened
and teased me mercilessly
in order to scare me into silence.
It worked.
The Scaring Tools
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