Not a creature was stirring not even Sheryl Crow.
Struggling artist's dreams hung in the clubs with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas would soon bring their share.
The streets were all empty for it was a cold night,
The only things left were an awfully horrid sight.
But down a side street lined with houses a plenty
Live Gary and Jay and Joe Don with their families.
Brittney and Brooklyn were asleep in their beds,
While Daddy Gary, putting toys together, scratches his head.
Jay and Joe Don were pointing and laughing,
All while Gary sat and threatened to abase them.
Finally Gary stood and chose to give up
"They'll figure it out themselves, or just make it up!"
So they all went to bed and the snoring began,
Tara said, "If you don't stop that I'm sending you to Japan."
When out on the lawn their rose such a clatter,
Gary said, "If you rascals don't stop I'll have you're heads on a platter!"
Jay said, "We didn't do anything you dork and a half."
Then Santa tapped Gary's shoulder, "I see you've been working on my behalf."
"Yes well the assembly line wasn't working too well,
Joe Don was drinking beers and our work went to hell!"
"Don't blame us for this" the other's exclaimed."
Joe Don said, "I swear dude I'm being framed!"
"Excuse me young man but I remember your old single,
That had many parents quite worried about why you commingle."
Joe Don said, "That wasn't me they told me to do it."
Santa said, "I'm not sure your excuse is exactly legit."
Joe Don Said, "I was a good boy I promise I was."
Tiffany came forward, "I can vouch for him I see everything he does."
Santa rolled his eyes and just shook his head
"You've got parents worried, just like I said."
Santa thought again, "I could through you in the basin.
Have you done anything nice for Ryan and Jason?"
Joe Don said, "Of course we have I'm a nice guy!"
"Well then I may have gifts for you... in short supply."
Santa said, "Now on to Jay and Allison of course.
Jay, last week you called Gary a horse?!"
"Maybe I did but he was being mean,
you would have cringed if you had seen."
"Well were you nice after that, did you tell him you were sorry?"
Jay said, "Of course I was I'm sending him on a safari!"
Santa, "I guess that would be nice Allison what about you?"
"I'm watching the girls it's a safari for two!"
"Well then I guess I don't need to ask if Gary's being good"
See Santa’s married, he understood.
"Now Brittney and Brooklyn I don't even need to ask,
Not having Daddy all the time is no easy task."
Gary thought of his angels and beamed with delight,
Deep down he knew that Santa was right.
"Not that that's all taken care of I have one last issue,
Katie in Cleveland wants... Joe Don's used tissue?!
And all this ruckus about Fells Like Today,
I have all these orders, their just is no way.
They want Jay's old jeans, and Gary's old boots,
And worse yet some girl wants Joe Don's first baby tooth?!
Not to mention your self-titled and that darn "Melt" CD,
I have screaming girls running around like raving banshee's!
What did you do to cause all this trouble?
It's worse than when everyone wanted to win the daily double!
It's just so much an old man can not cope,
T-shirts and hats and... used bars of soap?!"
Jay said, "Honestly we didn't mean to do it
We're just blessed you have to admit."
"He's got a point," Gary and Joe Don agreed,
"It's not everyday people in this town succeed!"
Santa said, "Well okay so here are your gifts"
He walked over to the mantel, "Want to give a old man a lift?"
And they all heard him say, as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"