The  Conversion
[I rarely attempted to write in dramatic form, which is probably just as well. The only surviving example is the piece which follows. Unfortunately, one of my favourite pieces of writing, a short play about a giraffe which looks exactly like a zebra, has been lost. Ironically, there were several copies around for many years as I used to use it as class material for Clear Thinking. Because of this I was probably less careful with the original, and am now unable to find any copies.]
Silly Stories
Raymond's Stories
Characters

The Reverend Raven
Mr Cinna
An Atheist
Mr Yess
Miss O'Howe
Mr Kwote
Mr Mild
Mrs Mild
Mr Christian
Jenny Cinna (daughter of Mr Cinna)
Two policemen, dressed in white.

Scene: A Place
Time: The Present

All characters are on stage except Jenny and the policemen. Raven, Cinna and Atheist are at front of stage.

Raven: I am a Christian. I believe in God. I go to church every Sunday. Therefore I will
Go to Heaven.

Cinna: I am a sinner. I do not go to church. Therefore I will go to Hell.

Cinna goes shamefacedly off stage as the others point at him.

Atheist: I am an atheist. I do not believe in God. Therefore I will not go to Heaven.
Neither will I go to Hell.

Raven: Unless you are mistaken in your beliefs. Then you will go to Hell.

Yess, O'Howe, Kwote, Mr and Mrs Mild, Christian (together): We are the multitude. This is a Christian country. Therefore we are Christians. Therefore we will go to Heaven.

Raven: I am a Christian. You are the multitude. Listen to me, multitude. I have here a list
of God's commandments. You must obey them or you will go to Hell. (Reads) Thou shalt not kill.

Multitude: Hooray!

Raven: Thou shalt not steal.

Multitude (slightly weaker): Hooray!

Raven: Thou shalt not commit sex.

Multitude (except Mrs Mild): Hooray!

Raven: Thou shalt not drink.

Multitude(except Mrs Mild and Mr Kwote: Hooray!

Raven: Thou shalt not smoke.

Multitude(except Mrs Mild, Mr Kwote and Mr Yess): Hooray!

Raven: Thou shalt not work on Sunday.

Mr Christian and Miss O'Howe: Hooray!

Raven: Thou shalt not play on Sunday.

Miss O'Howe (very weakly): Hooray?

In the following speech, Raven is getting more and more worked up. As he rants, the two policemen enter, one with a large net, the other with a gun and club. They creep up behind him.

Raven: Thou shalt not smoke on Sunday.
Thou shalt not drink on Sunday.
Thou shalt not eat on Sunday.
Thou shalt not think on Sunday.
Thou shalt not commit adultery on Sunday.
Thou shalt not covet on Sunday.

The Police grab him, throwing the net over his head. He is taken offstage, struggling and screaming: Thou shalt not on Sunday . . . Thou shalt not . . . Not . . . Thou shalt not . . . etc. A shot is heard. Silence. The policemen return.

Christian: How is he?

First policeman: We had to shoot him.

O'Howe: Oh, how awful!

First policeman: We had to. There was no other way.

Atheist: Now he'll find out there is no Heaven.

O'Howe: Oh, how awful!

Kwote: But this is murder.

Yess: Yes, it's murder.

Second policeman: No, it's all right. We had a permit.

Kwote: Thank God for that.

Atheist (sarcastically): I thought your God said, "Thou shalt not kill".

Kwote:  But they had a permit.

Yess: Yes, like soldiers do.

Atheist: And who gives these permits? Your God, I suppose?

Mild: The state does.

Yess: Yes, the state.

Kwote:  The state is God's representative on Earth.

Mrs Mild: He was such a good man.

O'Howe: Oh, how awful!

Mr Mild (To Mrs Mild): My dear, you didn't even know the fellow.

Mrs Mild: He was a good man. He believed in God.

Atheist: I fail to see the connection.

Mrs Mild: I'm going home.

Mr Mild: Come, my dear.

Christian: No, wait. I have something to say. Surely there is a lesson for us in what we
have witnessed here today. Today we have witnessed death, the conclusion of a life. We have seen a man die for his faith.

Mrs Mild: A martyr.

Yess: Yes, a martyr.

Christian: Surely then, the moral is that we should do likewise.

Kwote:  Go ye and do likewise.

Christian: I beg your pardon.

Kwote:  I was quoting from scripture.

Christian: Oh. Yes, now as I was saying, the death of this good Christian should be an
inspiration to all of us, to be equally good Christian men.

Mrs Mild: And women.

Yess: Yes, and women.

Atheist: It seems to me that your logic is a little peculiar. You have just seen a good
Christian die, and you take this as a reason for being good Christians.

Christian: Exactly. I couldn't have expressed it better myself.

Mr Mild: Did we see him die?

Christian: Yes, of course we did. Right in front of us.

Kwote: They stabbed him.

Mrs Mild: They shot him.

Yess:  Yes, they strangled him.

Mr Mild: Blood everywhere!

O'Howe: Oh, how awful!

Christian: Ladies and gentlemen, I propose that we, as  a group, should carry on the work
of the late deceased good Christian - as a group.

Mrs Mild: Just like a church.

Yess: Yes, like a church.

Mr Mild: Really, you know, I don't think I'm at all suited to that kind of thing.

Mrs Mild: Don't be silly, dear. Of course you are.

Christian: Don't you want to go to Heaven, sir?

Mr Mild: Yes, yes. Heaven.

Yess: Yes, Heaven.

Christian: Then we are all agreed are we? As a group!

Kwote: United we stand, divided we . . . we . . .

Christian (slowly and ominously): Fall!

A long pause.

O'Howe: Oh, how awful!

Christian: All right. Now then, we are agreed, are we? We are now a group solely devoted
to Christian activities, and . . .

Mrs Mild: Christian what?

Christian: Activities.

Mrs Mild (A little worried): Activities?

Mr Mild: Activities. Really you know, I don't think I'm at all suited  . . .

Christian: And as our first activity, I suggest we begin work right away, by converting the
heathen.

Mrs Mild: Where are they?

Enter Cinna.

Christian: There's one of them right now.

Kwote: Go ye into all the world.

Yess: Kind sir, would you please come here and be converted.

Cinna: Blow you, mate. I'm on me way to the pub. Wha'do I wanna be converted for? I
don't care if I do go to Hell. I don't wanna sit up in Heaven all day playing a bloody harp.

Exit Cinna

O'Howe: Oh, how blasphemous!

Mr Mild: Really you know, I don't think I . .

Mrs Mild: Don't be silly, dear.

Kwote: Well, he's gone. We can't convert that sinner. There's many a slip 'twixt the lip.

Christian: The cup and the lip.

Kwote: What?

Christian: The cup. You left out the cup.

Kwote: What cup?

Mr Mild: The holy grail, perhaps?

Christian: Never mind. As I was saying, we must convert the heathen, and I suggest we
begin right away on . . . (looks towards Atheist.)

Atheist: No!

All begin edging towards him.

Christian: . . . on the unbeliever.

Yess: Yes, convert him, convert him!

Atheist: No! Please! I don't want to! No! Keep away.

He screams. Yess and Kwote grab him and pull him to the ground.

Christian: Hold him down.

Yess and Kwote hold him.

Mr Mild: Really, you know, I . . .

Christian: Everybody! God is good! God is good!

All: God is good! God is good! God is good! God is good!

Christian: Say it!

Atheist: No! No!

Christian: Say it! (Hits him.)

All: God is good! God is good! God is good! God is good!

Christian: Say it!

Atheist (painfully): God . . . is . . . good.

Christian: That's better. Now say, "Thou shalt not kill."

All:  Thou shalt not kill! Thou shalt not kill! Thou shalt not kill! Thou shalt not! Thou shalt not!  
   Thou shalt not! Thou shalt not! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Christian: Thou  . . . shalt . . . not . . . kill.


Mr Mild: Really you know . . .

Mrs Mild: Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

O'Howe: Oh, how awful!

Mr Mild: Really you know, I don't think we should leave that commandment in its present
form. We must remember that Christ modified the commandments in the New Testament. He brought them up to date.

Christian: Yes, yes, a good point.

Mrs Mild: I agree. There are certain exceptions.

Kwote: When they have a permit.

Yess: Yes, like soldiers do.

Mr Mild: Yes, the state may kill. The law must be kept. Justice must be done.

Christian: Jesus was killed by the state.

Kwote: No, no! They washed their hands. Pontius Pilate washed his hands. It was merely
popular opinion.

Yess: Yes, democracy.

Kwote: It was a majority vote.

Mrs. Mild: Democracy triumphant!

Mr Mild: But Jesus had to die. It was part of God's plan. God killed Jesus.

O'Howe: Oh, how blasphemous!

Kwote: A shocking thing to say. Are you accusing God of murder?

Mr Mild: No, no, of course not.

Kwote: God gives life. He has the right to take it.

Mrs Mild: Besides, it was all Judas's fault.

Yess: Yes, he sold him for a handful of silver.

O'Howe; Oh, how awful!

Kwote: The villain!

Mr Mild: Brute!

Christian: Coward!

Kwote: Communist!

Pause

Christian: What did you say?

Kwote: Communist. Judas was a communist. I was abusing him.

Mrs Mild: Idiot! They didn't have communists then.

Yess:  Lucky people.

Christian: To get back to the subject. We will modify the commandment, "Thou shalt not
kill" by adding the words "unless thou art wearing a uniform or art employed by
the government as an executioner." Agreed?

Mrs Mild: Certainly not! According to you, any policeman or postman or anyone else
wearing a uniform has the right to walk up to me and shoot me.


Mr Mild: No, no. A policeman has the right, but I don't think a postman  . . . except, of
course, in self-defence.

Atheist snores.

Kwote: Look! He's gone to sleep.

Christian: What colossal cheek! (Shakes him.) Wake up! Wake up, I say. How dare you
go to sleep while we're converting you? Repeat after me, "Thou shalt not lie."

Atheist: I never lie.

All: Thou shalt not lie! Thou shalt not lie!

Christian: Say it! (Hits him.)

Atheist: Thou shalt not lie.

Christian: Now, repeat after me. "I must change my life."

Atheist: I must change my life.

Christian: Here is a list of things you must give up. The following are banned. (Reads)
Liquor.

Atheist: Never touch the stuff.

Christian: Cigarettes.

Atheist: I don't smoke.

Christian: Sex.

O'Howe: Oh!

Mr Mild: My dear sir! There are ladies present.

Christian: I'm sorry. They'll have to block their ears. (They do so.) Sex.

Atheist: I'm a - a eunuch.

Mrs Mild (unplugging her ears): Liar!

Mr Mild: My dear. What do you know about it?

Mrs Mild (reddening): Nothing. I mean, it's unlikely, I think . . .

Christian: Now, to complete the conversion, we must tie him up in ropes to symbolise his
surrender and subjection to the church.

Yess: Yes, yes, tie him up.

They get a long rope and tie him up securely. While they do this, Jenny Cinna enters.

Jenny (To Christian): Please, sir, what are you doing?

Christian: Go away. Kid. You're in the way.

Kwote: Suffer the little children to come unto me.

Mrs Mild: Unto who?

Kwote: Unto me, meaning Christ.

Christian: Blasphemy!

Yess:  Yes, blasphemy!

Kwote: No, no. It's from the Bible.

Mr Mild: Then it can't be blasphemy. There wouldn't be blasphemy in the Bible.

Jenny: Please, sir, what are you doing?

Christian: If you must know, we are converting this unbeliever.

Jenny:  What does that mean?

Mrs Mild: It means we are making him religious.

Yess: Yes, like we are.

Jenny: Can I watch?

Christian: No. Go away!

Mrs Mild: But wait! This child might be an unbeliever herself.

O'Howe: Oh, how unthinkable!

Yess: Unthinkable!

Christian: Are you an unbeliever, child?

Jenny:  What do you mean?

Mrs Mild: Are you a Christian?

Yess: Do you follow the Lord?

Kwote: Have you made him thy saviour?

Mr Mild: Do you love God?

Jenny: Who is God?

Pause.

Christian: God is . . . God is good!

Yess: Yes, God is good.

Christian: God said, "Thou shalt not kill."

Mrs Mild: Thou shalt not steal.

Kwote: Thou shalt not covet.

Yess: Thou shalt not play.

Mr Mild: Thou shalt not smile.

O'Howe: Thou shalt not . . .

Christian (interrupting): Or else thou shalt be cast into everlasting perdition.

Kwote: Thou shalt be tormented throughout eternity.

Mrs Mild: Love God, or he will throw you into Hell!

O'Howe: Oh, how awful!

Christian (yelling): Do you love God, child?

Jenny:  I - I don't think so.

Christian: Oh, wicked child! Hast thou no love within thee? Canst thou not love thy
merciful father?

Jenny:  But I do love my father . . . and my mother.

Christian: Have you no love for higher things? You must love God, or you will never go
to Heaven. Try! Try to love!

Jenny:  I love the little birds, and I feed them bread-crumbs. I love the sky when it's blue,
and I love the rain when it falls on our roof at night. I love the pretty flowers in our garden. And I love the warm sun that shines on them and makes them grow. I love lots of things.

Christian: Wicked child! These are mere material things and have nothing to do with the
salvation of your soul!

Mrs Mild: Do you not love Jesus Christ?

Jenny: Who is Jesus Christ?

Kwote: The son of God.

Mrs Mild: He died upon the cross.

Jenny:  Then he's dead?

Mrs Mild (after a pause): Yes.

Jenny:  How can I love a dead person?

Christian: You must try, child. Try as hard as you can.

Mr Mild: Otherwise you will never go to Heaven.

Enter Cinna

Cinna: Jenny. What are you doing talking to those people?

Jenny (approaching him): Daddy, what's Heaven?

Cinna: Heaven is a place up in the sky where you grow wings and play a harp.

Jenny: Will you take me there, Daddy?

Cinna:  Not on your life, honey. You want to go to Heaven you can go by yourself.

Jenny (leaving stage, with Cinna): They said I had to love a dead man, Daddy.

Cinna: Putting such nonsense into a child's head! (Offstage by now) Disgusting!

Yess: "I love the little birds, and I feed them bread-crumbs."

Christian: I beg your pardon?

Yess: What that little girl said. It - it's interesting in a way.

Christian: She was a sinner! Would you let her drag you with her into the bottomless pit?
She was a sinner, and the child of a sinner, and her words are worthless.

Yess: Yes. Yes, a sinner. Yes, I'm sorry.

Atheist (who until now has remained motionless in his tight ropes): No. She was right! She
was right! The birds and the flowers and the trees are her God. And they will be mine!

Christian: Hey, I thought we converted you!

Atheist: No, no! She's converted me. The sun that makes the flowers grow. That is God!

Christian: Blasphemy!

Mrs Mild: Sun-worship!

Yess:  But God made the sun.

Atheist: Not your God. Whatever it was that made the sun, and the birds and the animals
and the trees, and is in them, a part of them, that's my God. My God is the God of Life! Yours is the God of Death!

Kwote, Mrs Mild, Christian (together): Blasphemy!

Mr Mild (to Mrs Mild): Let's go home, dear.

Atheist: My God is the God of Love. Yours is the God of Hate. Mine creates. Yours
destroys. Your God binds you in chains of fear and terror. My God is the God of
freedom. (Breaks free from ropes.) I will not be tied down by your ropes of fear and your laws and your thou-shalt-nots.


Christian: You will not go to Heaven!

Mrs Mild: Paul! You will be cast into Hell!

Mr Mild looks at wife questioningly.

Atheist: I want no part of your Hell or your Heaven. I want to be with my God, the creator
of life. That is my Heaven.

Mrs Mild, Christian: Police! Police!

Enter the two policemen, running.

Christian: This man must be locked up!

Mrs Mild: He's insane!

O'Howe: He should be shot!

The following speeches are made simultaneously.

Mr Mild: Kill him! Kill him! (Repeat at intervals.)
Kwote, Mrs Mild: Crucify him! Kill him! . . . Crucify him! Kill him! (Repeat at intervals)
Christian: Lock him up! He's insane! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! (etc.)
O'Howe: Shoot him! Hang him! Shoot him! Hang him! (etc.)

The policemen look at each other, then grab Christian and carry him offstage. The others are suddenly silent. A shot is heard.

Kwote (after a pause): Another martyr!

Mrs Mild: We must follow in his footsteps.

O'Howe: We must convert the Heathen!

Enter Cinna and Jenny.

Atheist: Not me, madam. I'm already converted. And here is my Saviour. (Indicates
Jenny.) She's no prophet who has been dead two thousand years.

Yess:  But Jesus Christ isn't dead. He was resurrected, or something. It says so in the Bible . . . I think.

Atheist: I wonder. Could it be that these people have got it all wrong? Their Jesus Christ
may perhaps be the son of my God of Life, and not their God of Death.

Cinna: What? Not another God. Haven't we got enough already?

Atheist: You're right. Let's leave these people to their Gods and live our lives in peace.

Exit Atheist, Cinna and Jenny.

Mrs Mild: So where do we go from here?

O'Howe: (Slowly looking towards the audience) We must convert the Heathen!

Yess (following her gaze): Yes, the heathen.

All turn to face the audience.

Mr Mild (yelling): Repeat after me: "God is Good! Thou shalt not kill!"

Mr Mild, Yess: God is Good! Thou shalt not kill! God is Good! Thou shalt not kill!

The others join in, louder and louder, as they move threateningly towards the audience.
Silly Stories
Raymond's Stories