And he looked so thin, you'd think he'd never been fed.
He had a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth
And a face like the north end of a cow heading south.
He had a nasty look in his beady little eyes
And with the dirt in his ears you could make mud pies.
And yet, if they caught him, he would surely hang
For this weedy little man was the leader of the gang.
His second was a man whom they called Big Jock.
He had a body like a mountain and a head like a rock.
He was a long way from being the most brilliant of the bunch
But he could end a man's life with a single punch.
The brains of the gang was a slob called Ken.
He was as bald as a baby, and as chicken as a hen.
He thought out the plans but he was scared of cops
So he stayed at home eating lollipops.
The others in the gang were a couple of runts.
There was thin but thick Theodore who spoke in grunts,
And last of all there was dangerous Clive.
He was the meanest of the gruesome five.
He was quick with the gun and even quicker with the knife
And he placed no value on a human life
(Except for his own, which he held very dear).
He was a violent man, who knew very little fear.
Well, they were resting in their hide-out where they used to meet
When Sam stormed in, and they jumped to their feet.
"We've no time to relax, boys, so Ken, I would thank
You to tell us of our plans for the local bank."
So Ken stood up with a nervous twitch
And said, "This time, chaps, we're gonna strike it rich.
But Clive, don't do what you did the time before
When you strangled the teller and threw him on the floor
After slitting his throat. You know I abhore
Any type of violence or blood and gore."
Clive gave a snarl and he said, "Shaddap!
Or I'll grab you by the wrist and give it a slap."
"Enough!" yelled Sam. "Clive, Ken is right.
I saw you murdering a man the other night.
You know quite well that one stab is all you need,
But you give them twenty, just to see them bleed."
So Clive said, "No one's gonna give me cheek,
And that goes for you, you little undersized freak!"
Now Jock was a tough man, but loyal to his boss
So he gave Clive a punch like the kick of a horse.
"Thanks, Jock! That'll teach him to call me a freak!
Another one like that and he'd sleep for a week."
Then they lifted him up like a man half-dead
And when the big day came he was still in bed.
They said, "Clive, we're afraid you'll have to stay back with Ken
Although we're taking a risk using only three men."
When they'd left, Clive sat up and said, "It's all your fault!
You know how I'd like to have a crack at that vault.
I feel a lot better now. In fact I feel fine
Which is far from how you'll feel when I catch you, you swine!"
Ken watched Clive, as he pulled the blankets back
And he knew in his heart that his future was black.
When he saw Clive picking up his knife and his gun,
He turned on his heels and he started to run.
Clive looked in the closet but he couldn't find Ken,
In the garbage disposal, then the closet again.
He found him underneath his bed, lying on the floor.
Ken had gone to sleep and he'd started to snore.
So Clive grabbed his neck, which he tied a rope around
Then he left him in the hide-out hanging five foot off the ground.
He said, "Nobody's gonna get the better of me!"
And he headed for the bank to get the other three.
We change our scene to the bank where we can see
They have killed the night-watchman and are now quite free
To break into the safe and take all the money out,
When Clive comes upon them with a curse and a shout.
He shot big Jock and stabbed Theodore dead,
Then he grabbed up an axe and chopped off Handsome Sam's head.
Then he knelt down on his knees and started with the bus-
Iness of getting at the money which would now be only his.
He worked the combination out and opened up the door,
But he didn't hear Big Jock come creeping up along the floor
For Clive had only wounded him. Jock hadn't lost his life.
He crawled up to poor Theo and pulled out the blood-stained knife.
He grabbed up Clive and he said, "Look here!
This is for Sam!" And he sliced off an ear.
"I guess you killed Ken, so here's one from his mother!"
And so with another swish, he cut off the other.
"You also killed Theo, so here's one more!"
And he cut through Clive's hand till the knife scraped the floor.
"And these are for trying to get rid of me!"
So he cut off Clive's feet and the front of his knee.
Then he slit poor Clive's throat, and then fled with the cash
Letting Clive die in agony, mangled and mashed.
As he ran to the border, this thought came to Jock:
"At the bank in the morning, they will get a shock!"