Rick Doder
Update if necessary. Last update:
Hi!
My name is Rick. I would like to help by telling you about the solutions that are
working for me in dealing with pornography addiction. Hopefully, these
solutions will work for you. If
you are under the age of 18, then read this with parental or guardian guidance
for discussion afterwards.
Practical
solutions that are working for me, and the reasoning
used to arrive at the solutions:
A practical way to reduce time spent downloading pornography: If you live with someone else or
other people, then one good way to reduce time spent downloading pornography is
to place the computer in a public part of your home such as the living
room. That way, there is less time that
one could spend privately with the computer, and that cuts down time spent on
downloading pornography dramatically. A
reader of this web page mentioned Open DNS (www.opendns.com):
“It blocks sites from your internet access for free, and also helps speed up
your internet, and is fully customizable.”
Take a look!
See the impersonal and mechanical nature of pornography: Over the years, I notice that sex in pornography is
very impersonal and mechanical, and now I know why. Next time you watch pornography, notice that
the women close their eyes during sex; it is as if they do not want to see what
is happening and they do not want to be there.
Usually, the women do not touch the men at all with their hands, do not
smile at the men, or do not look at them during intercourse. Some sex scenes sound more like the women are
being tortured than enjoying the sex.
Everything about pornography is very artificial because it is an
artificial environment that the performers are put into. In real love making, couples who love one
another enjoy the love making in a private setting, and sex with strangers in
front of cameras for the sake of making money is just not the same thing. Sex without love is not the same and not as
enjoyable as sex with love, and I think it is the same with pornography in that
there is no love there to be seen. I
have tried watching pornography starring "real couples", but again,
it is really not that intimate because of the artificial setting and the couple
knows that millions of people will be watching them, and it is just not the
same. After noticing that, I am not as
interested in pornography anymore because impersonal and mechanical sex is not
that appealing to watch. I would admit
that one time, I saw a pornography movie where the actress touched the actor
with her hands, looked at him and smiled at him before, during, and after sex,
and it sounded like she was really enjoying the sex, enjoying the actor’s
company, and enjoying talking with him.
That was a joy to watch, and now I know why: that was a glimpse of sex
with love or what appeared to be love, or at the very least, I enjoyed watching
the woman who appeared to have enjoyed the experience. But that kind of movie is very, very rare in
pornography. As I have aged, I guess I
have grown more mature, and watching mechanical sex does not interest me
anymore.
Masturbate less over time: I think gradually reducing the frequency of orgasms
over time decreases testosterone level.
I think that is true because my acne is better without ejaculation. There is information out there that says that
“masturbation aggravates acne” is a myth, but apparently from personal experience,
it is not a myth, it is true! So with
decreased testosterone level, the desire for pornography decreases, AND I look
better! Sounds strange, but it is true! Don’t take my word as truth, try it for
yourself and see! A calendar can be used
to keep track of progress, and it is encouraging to see gradual progress over
time. Go up to at least two weeks
without masturbation, and you should see a decrease in your craving for
pornography and better physical appearance.
Find other things to feel good about in life: we
seek out and enjoy pornography because we want to feel good. Everyone wants to feel good, and pornography
is our easy way of feeling good. We seek
pornography because we feel down about something else, and pornography fills
that void. How do we fix that void so
that we do not have to fill it with pornography? First, recognize what those voids are. For me, my voids were lack of encouragement
from my parents, and lack of a girlfriend.
I know this now because for awhile, I had great praise and encouragement
from my instructors from school (I was back in school), and I had someone
interested in me romantically. During
that time, I did not resort to pornography so much. After that passed, I was back into
pornography with a vengeance. Feeling
down and depressed about my life was also a major void. So I had voids to fill. How to fill them? If others do not praise or encourage me and
make me feel good, then I need to do that for myself. Praise and encourage myself. If others do not like me sexually, then I
need to like myself, not necessarily to think that I am attractive if I am not,
but to think of or make other reasons for liking myself. One good reason is my web site, and that I am
trying to help others. I should feel
good about that! So, think of what we
might feel down about that we are trying to fill with pornography, and fill
those voids with other more positive ways instead of pornography. We all try to do good, at one time or
another, and though we are not perfect, it is in our nature to help others, to
cheer for heroes and good deeds, and we should feel good about that essence in
ourselves. I find nowadays that it takes
time and effort to be a fun person, but it is time and effort well spent. The key to being a funny person is to make an
effort at being a fun person. Make
efforts to think about and notice what is fun or funny in our lives. I read jokes and watch stand-up comedy or
comedy shows to learn what is funny. As
that practice becomes second nature, our lives can be more fun and positive,
and we attract other fun and positive people into our lives, or influence
others such that they become more fun and positive, and with better lives, we
would have less need of pornography to make us feel good because in our daily lives,
we already feel good because life can be so much more fun and positive!
Join organized sports: I joined a sport and social club in my city.
The club offers different team sports such as ultimate Frisbee, basketball,
soccer, dodgeball, etc. I joined for one of those sports. Playing team sports
is so much fun, and afterwards I felt no craving at all for pornography, and
pornography seems so lame to me. Playing team sports regularly gives a sense of
well-being, and I feel less dependent on pornography, at least right after
playing. Even if one has to pay for joining, it is money well spent,
guaranteed.
Can we control our sexual cravings effectively through mental
training and practicing better behaviors? A lot of
knowledge on how our minds work and how craving arises needs to learned, many
habits need to be changed, and it takes a long time to change, but change is
possible. I overcame pornography
addiction in that I am not as compelled as before to use pornography. If I can do it, then probably everyone else
can do it too. I have revised the web
page to reflect new understanding that I have about pornography addiction. I created a link below to link to my old web
page in case anyone wants to refer to it for previous discussions on the nature
of craving and suffering.
Understanding the human
condition of craving: From my Buddhist readings, I learned the following
insights that are verifiable by everyone’s personal experience. We want something, someone, or some circumstance
not because the object, person, or circumstance has any intrinsic value that is
desirable, but we want it because we do not have it. We want something or someone especially
strongly if we cannot have it. Once we
have it, we tend to take it for granted and not want it so much or at all. Little or nothing has changed about the thing
that we wanted, but our minds have changed.
The desire is in the mind and possession changes that desire. Before we possess, we idealize and fantasize
about what we want, which fuels craving.
After we possess, we realize what we wanted is imperfect (i.e. it is not
as satisfying as we thought), and it is impermanent (i.e. even if it satisfies
completely, it does not satisfy for life).
As animals that need to gather and possess food, mates and other
resources in order to survive and reproduce, evolution and natural selection
give rise to humans and other animals that crave and want to possess, without
stop, for life. The cycle repeats over
and over again: we crave, acquire, and get bored with what we have, crave for something else, etc. That is the condition of craving. Being ignorant of this phenomenon leads to
craving and suffering. Being aware of
this is one step to changing it.
Refinement on
understanding the condition of craving: Craving is a way of life, of
motivation. Once we are satisfied with one thing, we crave something else. The
aim is not to resist craving, because that is hard or almost impossible
to do, but to prevent the rise of craving in the first place. Craving occurs
because of the following: sentient beings have evolved to survive by acting on
motivations and punishments; hunger drives us to eat, lust drives us to
reproduce. Things that are good for survival and reproduction, we deem as desirable.
Those that do not think so would not reproduce, and so the majority of beings
deem food and sex as desirable. Things that are bad for survival and
reproduction, we deem as undesirable. What we deem as desirable, we crave. What we deem as undesirable, we dislike.
Ignorance of this reality allows craving to arise. When I want someone or
something, I imagine all the nice things about it but ignore all the bad things
about it. Thus craving arises. If instead we see both good and bad about
something, then we would not want it or dislike it as much. Craving is not good
because when unfulfilled, it leads to suffering. The inherent ignorance of
sentient beings when looking at things as totally good or bad, or totally
desirable or undesirable, is necessary for survival
and reproduction. Thus, such inherent ignorance is passed on through
generations. We all have this inherent ignorance, of seeing only part of the
whole picture. We are borne trapped in this body, conditioned with what we
perceive, with everything driven by pleasure and pain, desires and hatred,
rewards and punishments. Realizing this, if we want to cease the rise of
craving, we need to not only see the whole picture of what we are craving, but
to do everything to rewire the basic mode of operation that we are borne with,
which is very difficult but not impossible. Remember that we are not spending
all our time on craving for pornography or other things. There are times when
we are happy with doing something, and all we need to do is to find ways to
spend more time doing that instead of craving. One thing that helps in ceasing
craving is to see totally, to be fully aware of the bad as well as the good,
and try to balance out the good and the bad perceived.
Simple and effective ways
to prevent the rise of cravings: I found through trial and error that one effective way to
prevent the rise of cravings or to reduce the intensity of cravings is to stop
daily masturbation. Try to gradually reduce the frequency of masturbation. At
first, you might masturbate every day.
Try to keep it every other day, then every second day, and so on. I do
not mean to never masturbate again, but to do it less. Or when possible,
masturbate, but not to the point of orgasm. Or try not masturbating to
the sights of pornography. This is helpful is because orgasm is to pornography
addiction as nicotine is to cigarette addiction. If we disconnect orgasm from
pornography, then that is helpful.
Having orgasms encourage sexual appetite to grow, and it is like teasing
ourselves or baiting ourselves for future cravings.
Training the
mind to prevent the rise of cravings: We are made of our sensations, thoughts, feelings, habits,
desires, cravings, and so on. We can exercise control
over all those things if we choose to and direct our feelings and actions. At the moments of great cravings,
self-control and direction is impossible.
That is why the practice of directing our thoughts and feelings needs to
be done in regular, day-to-day living, in the present moment. That helps us to gain control over ourselves,
to prevent the arising of cravings, or to be able to lessen them when they
arise. To practice, constantly monitor
and notice your present thoughts and feelings.
You would find that there are often intruding thoughts that arise in
your consciousness. When that happens,
notice them, but refrain from acting on them or dwelling on them, and go back
to what you were doing or thinking about before. When sexual thoughts or fantasies arise,
instead of dwelling on or entertaining them, let them
exit your consciousness by themselves.
This practice allows you to gain control over cravings and let them fall
away without acting on them when they do arise.
Quitting
for good reasons:
Trying to quit is very hard if there are no good reasons to quit. In other words, if we were
extremely rich, have no responsibilities, no
obligations, have nothing else that we want to achieve out of life, then by all
means, indulge in the addiction! However, if there are other things that we
want out of life, other responsibilities, other experience and things that we
should or want to strive for, then those are good motivating reasons to quit.
Sit down and ask yourself, what do I want out of life? Do I need to quit pornography in order to
achieve those goals? Where do I want my life to go? What do I envision for
myself in five or ten years?
Creating super-busy necessities in one’s life: I discovered by accident one great
way to re-establish a more normal life with less
cravings for pornography. For awhile
back, I was very busy and stressed with adjusting to a new job and applying for
college. Sometimes I would not get home
until
Accentuate the positives: There are almost always
both positives and negatives to any circumstance, situation, or problem. Why focus on the negatives when one could
focus on the positives? That does not
mean to ignore the negatives. One can
work on improving the negatives if possible, but at the same time focus on the
positives. Accentuating the positive
things in one's thinking would help one to prevent depression, and that helps
to prevent pornography usage because using pornography can serve as a way to
relieve depression for awhile. Thinking
positively leads to constructive changes, and positive emotions like happiness
and hopefulness are better for the mind and body. An example of staying positive in the face of
pornography addiction is to focus on the improvements at hand. Recognizing that we have an addiction to
pornography is a very good first step to change, and that is a very good
thing. Sometimes people do not even
realize that there is a problem, or sometimes people choose to deny it. Focus on the small improvements over time
instead of focusing on the relapses. As
long as we are going in the right direction, all we have to do is to keep
learning and improving.
Overcoming addiction and regaining control over
oneself is possible because others have done it, I have done it, and so can
you. Before pornography addiction, we
were okay, and we can reach that state once again. What is really happening when we change our
cravings and habits is that we are rewiring our brains over time to a state
that requires less dopamine release or less stimulation to the pleasure center
of the brain in order to be happy or feel content. This rewiring of the brain can be done by
anyone, given the right knowledge and practices.
I recommend accentuating the positives in other
areas of life as well. The world is a
beautiful place once we notice that - unlike the negative news that we are fed
everyday in newspapers - most people are nice and decent people, and it is
never too late to change and improve on ourselves, our families and
relationships, the environment, and so on.
The positives are everywhere, if you know where to look.
Dealing with depression: Depression contributes as a cause of pornography
addiction. When one is depressed,
pornography serves as a source of pleasure that alleviates depression for
awhile, but then pornography addiction becomes something to be depressed about,
and that forms a vicious cycle. One good
way of alleviating depression I found is to read humorous, positive and
uplifting materials. Reader’s Digest is
my favorite at the moment as a heartwarming, uplifting and funny magazine, and
I recommend it as a good read. I think
of it as my personal literary Prozac, without any side effects.
Ways to reduce testosterone level as way of reducing lust: Testosterone is a hormone that fuels
sexual interest. I suspect that if
testosterone level in the body can be decreased, then that might help in
reducing excessive interest in pornography.
I read about studies that showed that caloric restriction with adequate
nutrition (CRAN) decreases testosterone levels in rats (e.g. http://www.benbest.com/calories/cran98.html
and http://www.benbest.com/calories/cran95.html). That means that reducing caloric intake in
one’s diet might reduce testosterone level.
I read an article in “Psychology Today” about someone who is on CRAN for
the possible longevity benefit; he found that his testosterone level is as low
as a woman’s and that his sex drive has decreased by a lot, but he also finds
the peace that comes with reduced sex drive and he relates better with his wife
interpersonally. CRAN does not mean to
starve oneself, but perhaps moderate decrease in caloric intake might
help. Reducing testosterone level also
does not mean to become asexual, but reducing excessive lust might be good for
a pornography addict. Another possible
way to reduce testosterone level is to reduce frequency of masturbation (http://www.masturbationpage.com/asmfaq1.html#23q).
Personal experience has supported this theory, in that if I have abstained
from masturbation for an extended period of time, then my desire for
pornography or masturbation has decreased.
At first, reduction might be hard, but with some effort, gradual
reduction in frequency is possible.
Also, thinking about sex increases testosterone (http://carbon.cudenver.edu/~mcousson/Carlson10.html). To reduce frequency of fantasies about sex,
try to keep busy as outlined above, or learn and practice meditation to gain
control over our minds. Finally, know
that time is on our side because testosterone level decreases over time as we
age.
Dealing with loneliness: If you live alone, then that could be a contributing
factor to pornography addiction. For one
thing, the suggestion above about placing the computer in a public place in the
home would not work if you live alone.
Besides that, from personal experience and from seeing what happens to
others, I find that unless one is very sociable and has time to go out or chat
on the phone frequently, living alone is socially isolating and
depressing. One might not realize that
one feels alone or depressed when those feelings have become the norm. I think as a general rule, humans are social
creatures and while some are fine with living alone, I think for most people it
is not so healthy. If finding a roommate
or housemate is not an option, then I suggest getting a pet if you are
interested in that and if you have some time for a pet. I read elsewhere in an article that a
gambling addict got a dog as a pet, and that has helped her with gambling
addiction. She said that having the
responsibility to take care of another being gives her more meaning in life and
someone to live for, and when she feels the urges to gamble, she takes her dog
out for a walk and she walks off her urges.
Plus, owning a pet opens up social opportunities such as meeting other
dog owners in the park or at an obedience school for the dog. If dogs are not for you, then other pets
might be good too! Personally, I prefer
cats because they are of lower maintenance than dogs. Also, I find that listening to talk radio can
help one to not feel alone at all. I
live in Canada, and we have CBC Radio One, which is informative and
entertaining public radio without commercials, and I could listen to it all day
and not feel alone.
Dealing with stress: Some people have indicated that they use pornography
as a stress reliever. While in
moderation it might be okay, as an addiction it becomes a problem. Meditation, yoga, and/or talking to someone
about what is stressing you out are probably good alternatives as ways for
dealing with stress.
Dealing with boredom: Having little interests in life really numbs the
mind, and the mind is a terrible thing to waste. Having little interests in life also might
lead to depression because studies found that depressed people have shrunken
hippocampus, a brain region responsible for learning. As mentioned before, depression probably can
play a part in pornography addiction. My
advice is to find something that you would like to learn or do and pursue it,
whether it be a craft, skill or subject.
People learn in different ways, and I find that once you discover how
you learn best and practice it, you would find that learning is very rewarding
and you would feel less need for pornography.
For example, I find that I learn best if I make notes of questions and
answers out of what I read, and filling my brain with knowledge makes me feel
less empty and less needy of pornography.
Find other fun, healthy and social activities to do: This is a good general advice for
anyone under any circumstance. Find
something positive that you would enjoy doing and go try it. For example, I read in the local newspaper that
there is a social and sport organization in the city that I will move to, and I
plan to join it to play co-ed ultimate Frisbee and meet people (women in
particular because I am looking for a girlfriend). : )
Even if I do not meet anyone, playing ultimate Frisbee or any other
sport would be socializing, I would get some exercise, get out of the house,
and do something fun that I would like to do.
For the pornography addict, that also gets oneself away from
pornography. Another thing I am thinking
of doing is going to cooking classes.
The world is your oyster, so go out and explore!
Best
of luck to you! There are positive and
effective ways in dealing with pornography addiction, and I hope you can find
your way.
Previous version of this web page
- This is a link to a previous verrsion of this web page that contains thoughts
on pornography addiction that might be helpful in understanding and dealing
with the addiction.
Support and help for mates of pornography
addicts - This is a link to information that I included to help
mates of pornography addicts understand and deal with the situation, and to
help their mates recover.
If you have comments, suggestions, or if you would
like to contact me, please e-mail me at rdoder@hotmail.com. I cannot respond to everyone right away, but
I would try my best, and I would like to read from you.