My name is Christoph P. Ebert, and I am a student of life. Every since I was a child I was driven by the desire to understand God, Truth and the meaning of existence, trying to uncover the motives behind human behavior, the underlying reasons for suffering, conflict, violence, injustice and war. This quest has lead me through some very unique and life transforming experiences, all of which have provided me with much significant insight and knowledge.
I was born in 1966 in Mainz, Germany. My parents were both professional artists. My father was an accomplished pianist, conductor and composer of classical music, and my mother an actress. I grew up with the love for music and the performing arts, and I was fortunate to have spent a lot of time as a child in great theatres houses across Europe, seeing wonderful performances of everything from opera, theatre, classical music and musical.
Having been always very alive within my inner world, my own thoughts and feelings I was very set in my own learning and trying to figure things out on my own. I always allowed myself the freedom to experience myself, to feel what it is I am feeling
As far as I can remember I had intense desire to grasp the meaning of life, the reason for why people do what they do, the underlying motives behind their behavior, but I became very early frustrated over the realities of ‘growing up’. While I was extremely eager to learn I felt that my curiosity was less important than me doing what I was required to do, so I turned into quite the rebel who had a deeply rooted problem to follow orders. I also become very aware of and sensitive to the cruelty children exhibited in school, picking on others and making fun of them for being different or not wearing the right clothes, or talking differently. All of this pained me a lot since I began to see that not only the realities of school and authority required me to be a certain way in order for me to fit a certain mold, but that also on a more personal level children exhibited a very interesting tendency to look at others not in terms of who they are, but rather in terms of how they want them or need them to be.
Blessed with a great amount of natural empathy and compassion towards all of life I always felt deeply connected to the suffering of others, especially those living in war torn and under-“developed” countries, the under privileged and sick. While my formal school was not much of help to me trying to figure out what this thing called life is all about I began on the education of my inner Self. When I first heard about the concept of God around the age of 6 or 7 I tried to imagine what this God figure is all about, curious to understand how the father of life could allow for all our suffering, injustice, violence and war. This marked the beginning of quest towards the ultimate truth, and I
embarked on a journey towards finding the answers I was looking for.
Like many children I was full of wonder and curiosity about life, but I always developed the sense that society was more focused on me doing what I was supposed to do than helping me to understand what this thing called life was all about. My mind was always filled with a lot of things; images, voices, ideas, concepts and especially questions. I had lots and lots of questions about life, the meaning of all things, trying to find the underlying reason for suffering, war, for why things are they way they are, for why people behave the way they do.
I felt forced being put into a mold by having to live up to the expectations and guidelines set by others. Eventually I learned to turn off my attention completely from those things which I perceived as an intrusion of my natural desire to lean and grow according to my own rhythm and natural interest. Required to go to school for 6 hours every day, being told what to think and how to behave was torture to my inner sense of reason, which was already highly developed, even as a young child.
Eventually I began shutting out those countless external voices which told that I have to be a certain way for others, be it sit still in school, clean up my room or study for a test. Whatever it was, if it was against my inner will I did not “feel” like doing it. During this time I developed an almost hostile reaction against anybody who told me that I “have” to do something. I had the most difficult time paying attention to something that was of no interest to me, so I quickly fell behind in school. This feeling of not being allowed to be who I wanted to be, to learn and live according to my own inner pace and interest left me drained, frustrated and angry.
Feeling extremely isolated and restricted during the years of my “formalized” education I began to follow my inner conscience and bliss, which naturally propelled me in the direction of asking more and more questions about the meaning, purpose and reality behind all things. When I was about 8 years of age I asked my mother a questions which signifies my deep compassion, caring and empathy towards all of life. Seeing a picture of a starving girl who was around my age on the front cover of a magazine I asked her the very simple and naďve question, “why am I me and not her”? Inspired by a great amount of natural empathy and compassion towards all of life I always felt deeply connected to the suffering of others, especially those living in war torn and under-“developed” countries, the under privileged and sick. While my formal school was not much of help to me (at least not the way it was intended, but more on this later) trying to figure out what this thing called life is all about I began on the education of my inner Self.
The realities of life provided me with much angst, pain and sorrow for a variety of reasons. For one I felt extremely restricted in my natural development, not being allowed to take time for natural contemplation and learning. Required to sit still for 6 hours and listen to a teacher go on and one about a certain subject caused me a great amount of grief and heartache. As my natural response I withdrew more and more within myself and my inner world of ideas, thoughts and questions. I began having a difficult time falling asleep at night. After hours and hours of the voices inside my head talking to one another from all directions I had to actually tell myself to stop from thinking, which was quite a challenging undertaking since those voices were extremely strong and persistent.
I became an extremely bad student because I needed all my questions answered in order to move along in a certain subject, and since I was always pretty shy and insecure I never asked those kind of questions. I became quickly bored and frustrated over the monotone, non-stimulating and structured ways of formal education, even though I was extremely eager to learn. Eventually I turned into quite the rebel who had a deeply rooted problem to follow orders. I had issues concerning discipline, doing homework and paying attention to something I was not interested in.
Without anybody being aware of what was going on for me I tried very hard to be a good student, but I failed miserably because I could not keep up with the pace set by my fellow classmates. While I felt inadequate, not being able to perform well in school I began getting the sense that there was something about me which was very different and unique, and instead of rejecting and punishing myself for it I learned to fully accept myself for the person I was. My parents could not possibly understand what was going on for me, and my class and schoolmates were all too busy having fun and being kids that I never had the opportunity to open up to anybody, nobody to share my real thoughts with.
A main influence and catalyst for change during my younger years took place during the 80’s, when I was 14. The music during that time spoke to me very clearly. Pink Floyd, Genesis, Supertramp, The Alan Parsons Project, and of course the rise of MTV, the introduction of videos, of computers, the first video game, which all introduced a very important period in German culture, the rise of the ‘Neue Deutsche Welle’, the new German wave of music, which all came out during the time of this amazing decade of the 80’t, a time for much learning, for new horizons, amazing advances, crazy music and a whole new cultural climate.
After I finally graduated in 1983 I attempted to continue my scholarly education in a higher technical school, but failed miserably due to my lack of motivation and interest. Not knowing what else to do with myself I began my mandatory service in the army in 1986. This experience changed my attitude towards life entirely. For the period of 3 month, the time of basic training I was surrounded by people who reminded me very much of how I have lived my life up until this point, most of them basically just as disinterested, disillusioned and anti-social as I was up until this point. Over the next few months I began to do a lot of soul searching and self-examination, and slowly I started to change my general attitude towards life. I began to realize that my rebelliousness attitude during my school years did myself a lot of harm, and that I missed out on a lot of opportunity to learn and to improve on myself. For the first time in my life I understood that I could learn from others but the only person I could live for was myself. Up until this point I always felt that going to school was a matter of pleasing others, of doing what you are supposed to so other people will be proud of you, but it never dawned on me that the only person I really cheated with this attitude of not wanting to learn, was me.
When I left the army in 1988 I was an entirely different person, very motivated, ambitious and determined to make something of myself. After I completed my apprenticeship in 1988 I worked in promotions and marketing for about 2 years, which was a dream come true, and I was right on track to reach my personal goal of success and riches if I had not crossed path with this African American Lady from Alabama.
I left my native country of Germany at the tender ago of 24, and instanteneously upon my arrival in America I became part of a whole new culture. My now ex wife was originally from Alabama, with deep roots and a very extended family all throughout the United States, with parent who were both very highly respected in her community, and so her social network was very huge. This was quite a shock for me at the time since I used to be very withdrawn, isolated, insecure and shy. I was still very immature and green behind the ears when I left my native home of Germany on January 19 1991.
Our meetings was fate in action, and so after we met on November 15th 1990 in Germany I packed my bags on January 19 1991 and followed her to Lawrence Kansas, where she was completing her masters at the Univsity of Kansas. We got married on March 2 1991.
Because we took so little time to get to know each other our marriage was a rocky one (to say the least). Since my (now ex-) wife was a very outgoing, alive and set-in-her-ways kind of person, and me, having been pretty insecure, shy, immature but also very much an introvert at that time we were having problems from the start. Only too late I learned and came to terms with the fact that she was dealing with some serious emotional and mental problems, unresolved issues dealing with her family, a drinking problem, and the kind of attitude which at times gave way to a very irrational, dangerous and uncontrollable behavior on her part. The drama of our relationship frequently proceeded along this road. When she acted in a manner that I found bizarre and highly irritating I would confront her and we would end up arguing and fighting. Despite all of this, exactly one year after we got married our first daughter was born, and about 14 month later we were blessed with the birth of twins, a boy and a girl.
Living in a new world, a new culture as husband and father, all within a few years, well, that was quite a bit for me to deal with, My now ex-wife was a very outgoing, alive and set-in-her-ways kind of person, and so for me, still being very insecure, shy, immature but also very much an introvert at that time we were having problems from the start. When she used to exhibit unusual and strange behavior, me, who did not approve of her actions and did not understand the reasons for why she acted this way immediately, confronted her. Basically I let her push my buttons in such a way that I saw red, and since I did not know any better how to deal with that at the time focused all my attention of getting her to stop acting in ways that were difficult for me to deal with. This of course resulted in us fighting a lot, and by doing this I have contributed immensely to the problems we were having.
When problems in our marriage started the huge family of my ex wife, as well as all of her friends turned their back on us, saying that now that I am married to her that she is my responsibility, so, being faced with such difficulty I was overwhelmed with what was going on for me. I did not know at the time of our marriage is that my now ex wife had, and still does have some serious emotional and mental problems; she was analyzed with bi-polar, drinks a lot and her overall personality was uncontrollable and very dangerous when she did not get her way. Of course we had wonderful moments together and were very close at times, but sad to say, this was more the exception than the rule.
With all of those terribly dramatic and stressful experiences I felt that my life was spinning out of control, going where I did not want it to go, controlled by external forces, so I began taking time to ponder on what was happening. In addition to all the problems here in America I received a very sad phone call from my mom in October of 1992, informing that my Dad, who said that if I left Germany I would never see him again had suffered a fatal heart attack.
In 1992 I stumbled rather by "accident' across the subject of personal development, something that is not very known in Germany. This captured my interest right away, and I instantaneously became fascinated, especially since I faced some very serious problems in my own life. After taking in great amount of material from authors such as Dr. Wayne Dwyer, John Bradshaw, Leo Buscali, Victor Frankl, Anthony Robbins, Earl Nightingale I came across the book, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", by Stephen Covey, and in it he mentioned a concept which truly marked the beginning of my personal transformation. What it said was that: “Between what happens to you, and your response to what happens to you lies your ULTIMATE FREEDOM to CHOOSE your response.” Once I began to understand the tremendous implications of this statement I became determined to learn as much as I could on the subject. I began realizing that most people don't choose their response, but rather react without thinking to what is happening to them, including me at the time.
Over time my studies have become more intensified when in 1994 I began using a voice recorder to make note of my thoughts. This helped me greatly since I lived a very isolated life. I always felt these audio notes could be a useful tool for me since it became my dream during that time to work as a public speaker, but it never dawned upon me how great a knowledge I would discover as a result of recording my thoughts. Eventually I learned to develop a better awareness of myself, my own inadequacies and shortcomings.
This ultimately allowed me to look at myself more clearly and honestly, and I eventually came to find how I have contributed, if not created all of the problems in my own life. After years and years of blaming everything on my wife and her erratic behavior I learned to take more responsibility for myself as I began to choose my response more carefully. I came to find how I had created all of our problems and challenges myself as the result of my ignorance of and non-acceptance of the person I was married to. Now, instead of focusing on my wife and what was wrong with her I began to look at myself and what I needed to be doing. Eventually I learned to fully accept my wife for the person she is, and I gave up my need to change her for my own sake. Over years and years of blaming everything in my marriage on my wife I slowly began to realize that it was actually me who has the power to make a change. <BR
While I began to consciously and actively and consciously transform myself during the next several years as the result of my daily studies I noticed that things around me basically remained the same. My wife still acted in the very same irrational and self-destructive ways, while basically holding me responsible for how she was feeling and acting. Her family and friends was no help to us, nor were any of the counselors and therapists, so I was utterly and completely left alone with in a situation I did not know how to deal with for the longest time.
For years and years I tried to change myself in such a way as to be more kind, loving and understanding towards my wife, but I noticed that her behavior and attitude did not improve, but instead got worse. When nothing changed for the better I made the decision in March of 2000 to send my children, who were suffering immensely under their parents strained relationship to temporarily live with my wife’s sister here in San Francisco. It was my hope to be able to work successfully on my marriage so the children could return to more stable and safe home. While the plan was for them to spent only a few month in California before returning to Kansas it took me more than 2 years and countless counseling, marriage and parenting meetings to finally realize that nothing would ever change for the better. After I gathered enough strength I made the long overdue decision to file for divorce.
Shortly after the divorce was finalized I made plans to move from Lawrence, KS to San Francisco in order open up a very new chaper in my life and become reunited with my children. The day after I quit my job in Kansas which I had for about 10 years I became the victim of a hit and run accident, which basically left me homeless (the 2nd time around) and pennisless. Yet, I kept my spirits high, feeling blessed for not having been killed during my accident, thinking that life has forced this experience onto me for a good reason.
I found a temporary place for a few month until the money I saved up for my trip was used up. I was lucky to meet some people who were kind enough to let me stay with them for a while, but then I was forced to find other alternative living situations since I was unable to work due to my broken leg. Without any money left I found my new temporary home in a local shelter.
Since I lived a very isolated life during my marriage without having any friends and in depth contact with people it was more than ironic to find that this was my first opportunity to make connections with others after my marriage, with people on the street, those without a home, those who have basically lost everything in life, those with severe mental, emotional and physical problems. I found that many people were highly intelligent, some of course more than others, but all starving for intellectual conversation and positive attention.
I made a lot of good connections during that time, especially since I am blessed with a very positive attitude and uplifting spirit, something that is very much missing with people who are suffering from a variety of mental and physical ailments. I had very many deep conversations with people there who shared with me their difficulty in dealing with their unique challenges. Never before did I understand how troubled the human mind can be as a result of unresolved experiences. The common theme with individuals who did not know to make a positive change in their lives were loneliness, isolation, indifference, and feelings of resentment, guilt and anger towards the past, themselves and life in general. Many people there experienced mental and physical abuse, and as a result of that have isolated themselves from others and the rest of the world.
Furthermore I learned that most people there were eager to share their stories with me, expressing openly their frustration and rage, but had a very difficult time when it came to listening to what I had to say. I began to see that people like that have some kind of invisible barrier, a wall which keeps them from taking in new ideas and concepts. Most people like this remain stuck in their own negative, dysfunctional and destructive patterns of thinking, feeling and re-acting, It became clear to me that the only genuine way towards healing is genuine human contact and the positive feedback from somebody who deeply cares and listens with the intent to understand, not to judge, but to fully hear and empathize with the pain and sorrow of others.
When I finally moved from Kansas to San Francisco in December of 2003 I was still peniless, but with a very determined attitude to begin a new and amazing chapter in my life. When I arrived I stayed in the shelter for about 3 month. During this time I met a lot of amazing people here, and I took some time to get used to the different climate, culture and flavor of the city, so very different from where I was living up until this point. I went to the library almost every day where I posted several ads concerning my circumstances, expressing my desire to find a more suitable living arrangement, while already putting up several posts for study groups and meetings for personal growth.
Around April of 2004 I met a very generous and kind soul who invited me to be his guest in his small one bedroom apartment in the Haight Ashbury area of San Francisco as a guest. This was truly a blessing for me since it allowed me to get a much-needed break from all the craziness, drama and pain of my past, and to focus on the future. Since then I have only worked a few part time jobs here and there, but instaed focused the majority of my time to continue on my studies. During the Summer of 2004 I developed the concept of realize2actualize.
During the middle of December of 2005 I created 'A room for conscious rEvolution' as a model for a new school of experiential learning, an inter-active radio program, talent show, acting studio and healing community. Since we opened our virtual doors on December 19 2005 our room has been actively operating between 2-10 hours daily, attracting a growing number of highly intelligent and inspiring people from all around the world. You can usually find me in the room after 6pm on weekdays, and during various hours on weekends. Meetings last between 30 min and 2 hours, and average between 4-15 people.
Since I am still trying to develop my career to the point where I can actually earn money doing it I began working a regular full time job around June of 2006. This is the first time I generated any regular income since the ‘accident’ early 2003, so this is a big step for me. I feel that I am at the beginning of a very new phase in my life, and even though I am still far away from where I want to be I am closer than ever before.
Since I am trying become established in my career as motivational speaker, teacher, life coach and facilitator I could use a great amount of help, so if you are willing and able to assist with one or some of the following aspects of this very comprehensive project I would be highly appreciative:
* design, printing and distrubution of marketing material such as flyers, brochures, postcards
and other promotional material,
* putting together a business plan, mission statement, proposal, and a course outine,
* help finding different sources of funding, either personal or public.
