Lisa
Good quote, holy spam you really played up the sad and pathetic bit didn't you dear? Anyhow, I wish I had known what was wrong...I might have pulled my head out of my ass sooner. At any rate, let the scene commence...head firmly ensconced in ass...
God, anyone for that matter…I made a plea to all the deities that day. Marie was in there asking him which of us he wished to court. Which of us he wanted. I hadn't been back to the room since breakfast…a fault of my schedule and my own cowardice. That was why I was pacing outside instead of going back in the room…I couldn't face them. I was done with Japanese and I should have been in the room. They would worry if I was gone much longer but by that point I didn't care. I was pacing on the rail of the bridge near Murphy…the bridge is more ornament than function and has very wide rails. I paced back and forth arguing with myself. I was convinced, heart and soul, that he had chosen Marie. It was a near certainty in my mind, but there was that little portion of my brain that held out hope. However, I think that scared me even more. To be chosen in my mind then would have been worse. I didn't deserve him, Marie did! (Told you that you'd think me an ass before this was over) I should have been back in the room, should have been there for over an hour…but I couldn't bring myself to climb down and walk toward our room, my legs were no longer under my control, they simply ferried me back and forth across the rail. I began talking to myself, trying to convince myself that I should go.
"You know he chose Marie, why are you so afraid to confirm it? Why? You know she deserves him…you know you don't! Why this fear? God, anyone…am I more afraid of finding that he wants Marie or that he wants me? I don't deserve him! He needs someone better…someone worthier. Shit! What if Marie is right and he did choose me? No! Even if he did, I can't let it stand…I'm just not right for him."
Opposing forces in my mind were arguing…
"So, what you don't want him now? Jesus, of course I want him! How could I not? But he can't possibly want me! But isn't it his choice?"
I stopped at one end of the bridge and leaned my head on the concrete sculpture that sat there. My mind was a jumble…not that it isn't usually, but this was worse.
I finally raised my head…at 7 o'clock people would still be out and I didn't need anyone coming by and asking what was wrong. I wiped my face with a gloved hand, wishing I could wipe away the indecision. Then I got mad…this was ridiculous! My eyes hardened and I squared my shoulders. He had chosen Marie and I would go to the room to and congratulate her! I leapt of the rail, landing in a crouch…only to see a pair of black boots standing before me. Embarrassment washed over me…I had just leapt at some poor unsuspecting person! I grinned concretely and offered my apologies as I looked up…into Erik's pale eyes.
I looked at him with a sort of horror, wondering how much he had seen, what had he heard. I hurriedly finished my apology. "Oh, Erik…I'm sorry, didn't meant to leap at you like that."
He just looked at me with those piercing eyes, those eyes that seemed as though they could read my soul. I shied away from his direct gaze.
"I've got to go…I'll uh…see you in a bit." I tried to walk past him but he stepped in front of me.
"Erik…could I pass, please?" I still couldn't look at him.
"Lisa? Look at me please."
That voice…Marie and I had always written about it, but no one, not a single author, had ever conveyed its real power. I felt my head turn of it's own accord and I found myself lost in his eyes.
"Why are you avoiding me? Is it about the discussion I had with Marie this morning?"
It took me a moment to gather my wits…that voice! "Of course not! I just needed to go for a walk…so I did." (Yes, that sounded like a lame excuse even to me)
He raised an eyebrow under the mask. "That appeared to be more like an hour of pacing and talking to yourself than walking."
I closed my eyes, he had heard me! I sighed in resignation. "How much did you hear?"
"Just the last ten minutes or so…I had gone out to find you but you didn't seem to want company, but after it had been over an hour I decided to—"
"Eavesdrop?" I interjected with what I hoped was a convincing amount of anger and sarcasm…if I could get him to leave, or let me leave…if I just had a little more time to think!
"I was concerned about you, as was Marie…she felt, that because you did not expect a favorable response to this morning's question, you were afraid to come home."
"I just wanted to go for a walk! Shit! Is that a crime all of the sudden?"
He merely looked at me a moment and continued. "I came to tell you what happened this morning so that it would no longer be a source of worry to you."
I was still trying to be tough…(in the words of Puck "What fools these mortals be.") I brushed around him and paused before walking away. "I’ve had a bad day and I need to blow off a little steam…I’m not mad at you. I wish you and Marie the best. Now if you will excuse me, I am off to finish my walk." I started walking away, trying my best to hold back the tears that threatened, when he spoke.
"Lisa, I chose you."
I stopped dead in my tracks, certain my ears were playing some cruel joke on me. "What?"
"I chose you." He had come up behind me and his soft voice found it's way to my ear with no trouble.
I turned very slowly and looked at him. I had only one word in my mind at that point, "Why?"
He tried to speak…but fool that I was, I could not bear to let him start.
"Why me? I'm not worthy of you! On the list of worthy people I'm pretty damn near the bottom. If anyone here deserves you it's Marie. She's got the talent, the wit, the intelligence—"
He cut me off. "You said yourself in your ramblings that it was my choice."
"Yeah, well as your friend I can't let you make bad decisions and this is definitely one of those! You can't choose me!"
He looked bewildered and I regretted the words as the left my throat. But in my mind there was no other way…we could be friends, but no more.
"But you admitted that you…wanted me." He looked so lost and vulnerable that I wanted to hold him, tell him anything to make him feel better. But this had to be done!
"Of course I do, but that's not the point!" I was stalling, trying to find the reasons that he could not be with me as they slipped away in my mind.
"Then what is the point?" He crossed his arms over his chest.
"The point is, we can be friends…but that's it, no more no further. Now if you'll excuse me…" I stalked off. (What did I tell you? A complete ass…that's me.)