Lisa
When Marie told me
about Erik’s departure…I was, shall we say, a bit upset. I didn’t want him to return, to ‘die in the
catacombs’ as Marie put it. All I
wanted was to regain my dear friend and teacher…
That night I went to bed early. I had been hard pressed not to burst in to tears after Marie’s news set in (for a while I was pretty dazed). I had that feeling that I might choke if I held it in any longer so I went off for a walk so that Marie wouldn’t see me cry. I walked for a good hour at least, well…I paced through the woods.
He was leaving…effectively committing suicide, and it was all my fault! Tears wouldn’t come…it was as though my body felt I didn’t deserve the release they would offer. My mind was dueling with itself…he was leaving because of me, but if I accepted him who would I be doing it for…him or myself? He deserved better than I…
Marie was getting ready for bed when I came back…I slipped my own PJs on quickly and curled up on my bed, staring into space…
There was no way that I… Lisa…could be so important to someone that it would break their heart not to be near me, not to have me return their love. At least that’s what one side of my brain kept trying to argue…Well, if you have so little effect on folks, why is Erik leaving?
I balked at this question. I sat up and rummaged around the shelf next to my bed until I found the bottle of Tylenol PM…the kind with the light sedatives. I shook three into my hand and swallowed them dry, willing them to work as fast as they could. Laying back down I tried thinking of anything and everything but Erik. I thought of baseball games, getting lost in London during spring break my freshman year of college, deep sea fishing…anything but him, and yet my stubborn mind had only one subject, one train of thought…so I fell asleep with the Phantom’s voice in my ear.
There I was, me, but not me…I could feel my body, feel its sensations, but I also saw it from a spectator’s view, I was both inside and outside of myself. There were the words again, Erik’s soft breath as he repeated that he had chosen me. However, this version of me offered no resistance.
I watched the scene with a sort of detached curiosity even as I felt myself experiencing it. It was as if I was not in control of myself. I saw myself turn to Erik, felt him sweep me into his arms…felt the sweet sensation of his mouth closing over mine. My vision closed in on the two figures, Erik and myself. As half of my mind was carried away by the feel of his body pressed to mine, the other half became alarmed. The spectator saw something.
Slowly I watched my hand slid into the pocket of my jeans…Erik didn’t notice this movement and I, the spectator, couldn’t fathom it. I felt my hand close around something made of metal and rubber…something cold. My mind cried out in alarm as I saw myself pull the object free of the pocket.
A gun.
Still wrapped in Erik’s arms the me that was not me pressed the gun to his chest. I screamed in my mind, willing this other self to stop, yet knowing I had no control, no influence over this scene.
It seemed as though time slowed as I watched my finger pull the trigger. I could feel the cold metal against my skin, the slight resistance before the trigger gave way. The shot rang out like an explosion in my head. I could feel the recoil of the weapon in my hand but the recoil in my mind was still greater.
Erik stumbled back, clutching his chest. Hands covered in blood, he looked up at this alternate me…no anger showed in his face, only terrible sadness. It was as though he had been expecting the blow, expecting the betrayal. He fell to his knees and this creature I could no bear to call myself, stood over him and laughed. I could feel the air pass through the lungs of this beast, feel the mouth form the shape of laughter…and was able to do nothing. I felt the finger squeeze the trigger again and again, six pullets into the prostrate man…and my maniacal laughter ringing in my ears.
I woke up with a start, sitting bolt upright in the bed.
My chest heaved and my hands shook…What in the hell was that?! My mind tried to sort through the confused jumble of the dream and reality. It took me a long moment to realize that it hadn’t been real…but that didn’t help. I’d had too many Psych classes to just put this off as a ‘bad dream’; this was my subconscious revolting.
I buried my face in the pillow and tried to keep my sobbing quiet so I wouldn’t wake Marie. I willed the dream to leave my mind, but it kept playing across the lids of my eyes like a movie. Always that final scene, the shot, the look, the blood, the laughter…even with the sedatives it was hours before I was able to sleep…only to dream again.
****
Here it went…if not the whole kit and caboodle, at least a big chunk of it. The dreams were driving me nuts…they had only invaded my sleep that first night, but ever after that they invaded my waking world. I had to keep myself constantly occupied, whenever I let my mind wander it found the dream again. I was afraid to go to sleep most nights because I feared another nightmare. I didn’t tell anyone about it but I knew I was showing the effects of my lack of sleep…even one of my professors asked if I had was feeling well.
My mind knew what I was doing to Erik and it wasn’t about to let me off easy. I knew that Erik would die if he left…I knew I would never be able to live with myself if I didn’t try to prevent it. Marie had tried and professed to have no success…it seemed to be up to me. I waited until everyone else had filed out of the classroom and packed my things slowly, trying to think of a way to approach a man I had just spent the last ten days avoiding.
Erik was in his office by the time I made it to the door…(His office is adjacent to the room) Looking pointedly at the floor, I rapped lightly on the doorframe.
“Come in.” His magnificent voice betrayed a note of surprise.
I looked up and our eyes locked for a brief moment. For that moment all I wanted was to throw myself at his feet and beg his forgiveness. I managed to tear my eyes away from his, looking down again, and regaining at least some of my self-control. “I was wondering…do you have a minute?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, good.” I sighed, settling myself in the chair opposite his desk.
“What’s troubling you?” He asked, going straight for the point as usual.
I managed to look up again. “You.”
“Me? I can’t think why I would trouble you.” He looked genuinely surprised. Not just surprised though…it was more, he looked haggard, tired…in short, he looked like I felt.
“Well…hmmm…let me see, one of my friends is planning to leave the country, not to mention the time and probably die shortly after…shouldn’t that trouble me?” My tone was a little more sarcastic and harsh than I had intended.
He gave me a reproachful look. “I don’t know…last I checked friends didn’t avoid each other either.” Coming from anyone else those words would have been vindictive, but from Erik there was no malice…only sadness.
Now it was my turn to let loose the heartfelt sigh. “I’m sorry about all of that, it’s been…a strange week.”
“So, what did you wish to speak about?” He queried, ignoring my last comment.
“You.” Again with the one-word replies until I could come up with something better.
“What about me?”
“Your impending trip.”
“What of it?”
“We all know what will happen if you leave…as your friend I have to stop you.” I bit my lip, trying not to cry at the thought of him leaving…of him going back and dying in the catacombs under the opera.
“And what will happen?”
“You’ll revert…you’ll sink back into that apathy…” I couldn’t continue or I would cry.
“And this concerns you?” This time his voice was tinged with ice.
At that comment I looked up into his eyes. Instead of the soft expressive pools I was accustomed to, I felt as though I were staring at the heart of a glacier. My own eyes narrowed. “What do you mean asking that? I’m your friend, of course it concerns me!”
Erik let loose one of his infamous sighs, his eyes softening again. “I’m sorry…I should know better than to take my bitterness out on you. But…I cannot stay here…”
“Yes you can! You can stay here as long as you wish…you can stay for the rest of your life.” I babbled.
“That’s not what I mean and you know it.” He replied wearily.
It was my turn to sigh. “Isn’t friendship worth staying for? The life you have here, friends, students, colleagues, is that nothing to you?”
“Of course it means something…but perhaps I am a selfish man…I want more than just friends and colleagues, and I can’t go on knowing I’ll never have what I truly want.”
“There are other women in this time, droves of them who would throw themselves at your feet…you could find some one, it’s better than giving up.” I offered.
“But I don’t want them…you know who I want.”
I couldn’t meet his eyes and I couldn’t take any more of this conversation. I stood up and gathered my things. “Yeah, well…I’ll see you at the critique, have fun with the Drawing II students.” That said, I left as quickly as I could.
I got about halfway down the hall when my legs refused to work. I collapsed, leaning against the wall for support. I could hear the shot go off in my head, see him drop to his knees…
This couldn’t happen! If he left he’d die…if he died and it was my fault…I’d never be able to live with myself. Half of my mind insisted it would be easy…just run back into that room and throw myself in his arms. The stubborn half reiterated all of the reasons I wasn’t worthy of him. I took a deep breath and stood up…it wouldn’t do for Erik or anyone else to see me like that.
****
After that little conversation with Erik (for which I am still receiving 'I told you so's' from Marie) I was in quite a state. (I think Marie would refer to it as a state of perpetual stupidity) I couldn't sleep…even the few hours I had been getting were out if my reach, I couldn't eat…and it was finals week! I refused to grumble about it…I didn't need any more looks from Marie…I was already keeping her up with my tossing and turning (light sleepers, sheesh!) But I refused to think about Erik’s departure on the Sunday night before finals…at least I tried not to think about it. Luckily my first final was an art critique, well, not so lucky…it was in Erik's class.
I was prepared, as prepared as anyone could be for one of his critiques. I would say he was a demanding teacher, but that would be a dire understatement. Let's just say, that by the time I got up to Murphy Hall I was so worked up I wanted to do my best Cassie impression (ie-kneeling before Erik and screaming, "Ok, get it over with, take me to your government labs and cut me into wafer thin sections!" So I'm a little melodramatic…got a problem with that?) I was the last student of the day so I wasn't too surprised to see Erik with his head resting on the table before him and rubbing his temples.
"Having fun yet professor?"
Erik looked up slowly and growled low in his throat.
I was determined to be chipper, not exactly easy given who was in the room. I set my drawings out. "I always wondered if the finals were harder on the teachers or the students." I proceeded to look at him critically for a moment. (I was determined to cover my discomfort with sarcasm) "I still have to vote for the students, you're a pretty tough critic…you've certainly got me worried!"
He looked at me with a raised eyebrow for a moment or two and then started looking over my drawings. My stomach sank as he opened my sketchbook…I had forgotten how many sketches were not exactly class related…I had forgotten how many were of him. "Figure studies Lisa?"
Again the sarcasm. "You were there and I was there and the lectures weren't exactly enthralling. I mean, your voice is great, I could listen to that all day, but not when you're talking about line and form! Ok, and I'm going to shut up now ‘cause I'm babbling."
"Yes, you are…well, would you like to just get your grade?"
"Yes!" I cried very melodramatically, raising my hands to him in a begging gesture. (Hey, I hang around Marie a lot…some of the melodrama is bound to wear off)
"An A."
"A what?"
He spoke slower the second time. "You earned an A."
If my brain hadn't already been mush from the combination of Erik's imminent departure and finals that phrase would have done it! "Holy…well, holy something…are you sure you heard you right? You did just give me an A."
"Yes, I'm relatively sure I heard myself correctly, why are you surprised?"
"Um…let's see…why am I surprised to get an A? Gee, could it be that in the past two years I haven't gotten an A in an art class? Could it be that my work sucks?" I proceeded to point to several pieces. "Like…hmm…that one there, and that one there and that one over there."
He sighed…gods he was good at the heart felt sighs! "Your work is consistent. The quality is good and I think you have a fine career ahead of you."
"Well, you're nuts! But I'll take it…I may look it, but I'm not nearly that crazy!"
"Indeed." He shook his head and sighed, again. I thought my heart might break if he did it again. And then he reached out with one hand (Have I ever mentioned what beautiful hands he has? Oh, well, let me mention it again…he has beautiful hands) and tilted my chin so I was looking into his pale blue eyes. His face was scant inches from mine. I couldn't breath…I couldn't think…not that I usually can, but anyway…He spoke very softly, in that voice that seems to melt your bones, "You have talent Lisa, stop berating yourself."
At that moment my resolve was crumbling… I had the feeling, some instinct, that he wanted to kiss me. However, he turned away and straightened the already pristine pile of papers on the desk.
After a moment he turned back to face me. "I was wondering…you know that I'm leaving Saturday morning…"
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
"I wondered if you would join Marie and I for dinner on Friday evening…a sort of farewell meal."
I found my voice and my resolve again. "No problem…just give Marie the when and the where and I'll be there." I gathered up my drawings and packed them back into my portfolio. "I'll see you then…ja mata ne Erik-san." (Goodbye in Japanese…he spoke it, I spoke it, it works) I left as quickly as I could, any longer and I would have begged him to stay, and begging is something pride doesn't allow.
I hurried back to the room not even greeting Marie with a customary "Spam!" as dropped my things and the door. I immediately plopped down on the floor and lay in my regular sprawled position. Marie looked down on me from the bed. "That bad huh? Jeez, you get a D or somethin'?"
I took a deep breath and looked up at her. "No, actually…I got an A."
"Then why are you collapsed on the floor like you just lost your best friend?"
"Let's just say it was a 'fun' critique."
"Really?" Marie raised a suggestive eyebrow.
"Get your mind out of the gutter dear, nothing like that."
"Damn!"
"I'm going to bed now."
"You might want to get off the floor then. I'm off to my voice lesson."
Marie left and I dragged myself off to bed…there was a Physiology final the next day followed by the Honors English final!