Marie
Damn… I would’ve come
in and thrown some cold water on you two.
And I really would’ve… that is if I hadn’t been in the middle of getting
yelled at by my Neolithic Neanderthal of a boss. Yes, I was still at work at eight o’clock at night…you do these
things when your boss decides to give you one night to design a top-quality
logo for some new fitness center.
Anyway, I went home and
collapsed into bed, without giving Lisa any more than a “Hi and
goodnight.” The next day, my day off
thank the gods, I had set myself to doing nothing that required getting out of
my pajamas. However, Lisa had other
plans and since I was the one with the car… Also, apparently I was to be graced
by the infamous condom discussion.
Lisa asked me to drive her to the local 7-11 for some food and snacks and stuff. I agreed only because I’d had a monster craving for chocolate-covered pretzels for a week. However, during the five-minute drive, Lisa was stunningly quiet. This alone told me that she was going to ask either embarrassing or difficult questions… or both.
"Okay, what's eating you?"
"Huh… what?" she came back to the present time and place.
"What're you so quiet for?" I asked again as we got out of the car and headed into the 7-11. (No… Apu does not work there.)
"Well, I… uh… need to ask you something."
"So I figured… so ask."
"Um… not in the 7-11."
"Geez, how bad could it be?"
"Let's get our stuff and then I'll tell you."
"Whatever."
Two seconds after shutting ourselves up in the car, I all but pounced on her. "What is your question already? It's driving me mad!"
"Um... exactly how does one bring up the use of condoms with a guy from the 1880’s?" she blurted out.
"Yikes... I never thought of that." I sat back, putting my hands to my head at the sensation of a sudden tension headache encroaching. "Do you really think he hasn't heard of them yet? I mean he's been here for several months, you'd think he'd have realized that sex isn't as irresponsible is it once was."
"I hope so... this is going to be really awkward." she sighed, copying my move.
"Wait a sec... you mean, you two have advanced that far? In intimacy, I mean? I didn't think it would be this soon." I blurted out as well.
"So, I'm a little repressed... so, he's a little repressed... we'd like to end the repression here." she babbled like a brook.
"Is that anything like ending the Depression?" I joked weakly.
"Yeah, I figure a good economic upsweep would be nice. I'm sure something will be upswept." she giggled in bare coherency.
"We have the most inane conversations, you know?"
"Yup. Just tell me you have something to say that’s constructive.” She pleaded.
“Um… lessee… I don’t suppose bringing this up over the second course of dinner would be appropriate, huh?” I shrugged.
“Um… no, it’s bad enough that I have to even think about this… Oh, God…”
“Calm down, Lise… just lemme think for a microsecond here.”
“You do that… I’ll be busy panicking over here.”
“If it’s this nerve-wracking for you, why even bother? Just slip him a condom at the right moment and let him ask what the heck it is.” I suggested.
“Yeah… cuz, that’ll work. I must be crazy to be thinking about this.”
“Do you not want to do it?”
“I didn’t say that!” she asserted immediately. “I’m understandably hesitant, thank you very much. It’s one thing to fantasize… another thing entirely to actually be planning.”
“I see. Well, slap him with the dreaded four words.”
“What four words?”
“We need to talk.”
“Oh… those four.” She cleared her throat. “I was thinking of the three words.”
“What three words?”
“Um… I love you.”
I was taken aback and made a joke to cover up. “Well, this is flattering and all, but… I don’t swing that way, dearie.”
“Jesus, don’t do that.”
“My name is Marie… not Jesus.” I reminded her.
“Okay… usually I’m the one with all the bad puns… could you be serious for five minutes?”
“If I must.”
“Yes. You must! Now what am I going to do?”
“My advice… just wait until you two start getting… er… close to the smut ensuing… and bring it up. Just don’t let him get too worked up or else you may forget what you’re supposed to be doing. Kay?” I suggested a different, more serious approach.
“Kay…” she whimpered.
“And make sure that you have some condoms with you… even if he has heard of them, I doubt he would’ve gone out and gotten some. I really can’t picture Erik in the local Rite Aid shopping for chips, soda, batteries, and… oh yes… condoms.” I quipped.
Lisa started laughing hysterically. “That’s a special mental image right there!”
“Ain’t it though?” I agreed, laughing.