Title : Do You Dream Of Me Author : Marie Noire Summary : Something that was probably better left as a journal entry. But oh well...   I awoke slowly, sunlight pouring over my bed and turning the backs of my eyelids blood red. I groaned and turned over, my head aching. Something pressed into my head and I sat up, taking my headphones off... must have fallen asleep with them on... again. Seems the only way to sleep these days... nothing else works. I had not wanted to get up yet... why? The dream. I had dreamed of you... that was why. We never talk anymore... I don't even have your phone number. Would I even dial it if I did? Who can say. My heart no longer knows itself well enough in order to be a reliable source. I know where you are though... just across that dirty river... a bridge toll and a half-hour drive away. You are near... but untouchable... like the stars that used to hold me fascinated. No longer... I had dreamed of you. We met by chance... and she was with you... so I ran. I couldn't see that... my heart has not yet even begun to heal, though the pain has been dull of late. Damn it! Just when I think I have learned to live with the pain, something happens to push it to the for again. Little things, really but so much to me. Flipping channels, I'll find the TV show we used to watch together... in reruns on cable, but still around... I'll see a painting we saw together, like that painting of Venus you said looked like me... and our favorite Broadway show? Don't even mention it... I dreamed of you... as I have a few times before. But this was different, not the fevered, sickly-hopeful wishes of one unwilling to let go of her heart's dearest love... though that is what I am. This was real, almost tangible, leaving salty tears and feel of your warmth in my arms behind. We had met by accident and I fled from the sight of you and her together. You saw and chased me... found me cowering like a beaten dog in a corner, shivering and crying. I do not remember what was said, how you coaxed me out. We spoke little of ourselves... we spoke of school and work, who of our friends was fucking who, who we were no longer speaking to. Small talk between two who used to be lovers... one still desperately in love with the other... and the other blissfully unaware of it. Your hair was lighter... a little longer. You no longer wore glasses. You mentioned something about a dress. I nearly died. Why not... my heart was already ailing... if I were a dog, someone would be kind and put me out of my misery. We are more cruel to our kin than to animals sometimes. Then... you held me. I don't know why or how it happened... but your arms were around my neck and I was on my knees in front of you, my head against your soft, warm stomach. I shook like a leaf... like Roxanne on the balcony, tears in my eyes. I knew this was only a move of comfort, not one of love... but still I lapped it up, my body and heart craving even the smallest contact. I wanted a kiss more than I wanted my next breath. But no.. I held back... even in my dreams I know better. She came in... and you parted from me quickly, almost reluctantly. I swallowed my tears, feeling the bitter, salty fluid running down my throat. She was impatient... wanted to leave... she didn't even acknowledge me. You agreed and sent her ahead, before turning back to me. I bit my lip until I tasted blood and said something about having problems with her. You said that you and her had broken up once or twice over the past year. I sniffled. Why, when you broke up, did you never come to me? Because I would not have wanted you. Yes I would have... god, I want you still. You looked as though you might say more... but the cruel sunlight pulled me away and I awoke, confused. I had felt you, your warmth was still in my arms and on my cheek. I sat up, feeling the tears dried on my cheeks and under my eyelids making them itch. Once more, you had left me before I was ready... and my heart sobbed for it even if outwardly I was merely sad. I have become am expert at hiding my true feelings. My parents have no clue... though they certainly wonder at my moods. A few of my friends know... the close ones... the ones that count. But no one can help me. I am lost in a swirling sea of loneliness and there is no lifeguard standing on the shore... if there is, he's only laughing at me, snickering at my clumsy, half-hearted attempts to rescue myself. I had dreamed of you... and I wonder if you ever dream of me? Do I ever even cross your mind? Flitting through like a little hummingbird, seen in a flash and then dismissed? My heart is heavy today... thank god I do not have to work. I cannot pretend to be cheerful and helpful today, not even to sweet-faced seven-year-old who's eye remind me of yours. Do you ever find things that remind you of me? Or has she chased me from your heart forever? Do you dream of me? Likely not... I was not worth loving... how could I be worth dreaming of? But part of me... the stubborn part of me that refuses to break, refuses to die, and insists on hoping beyond hope. That part thinks that maybe you do... maybe I do come in your mind every so often. Do you dream of me? Because I dream of you.   Back to Other Fiction