100 Redneck Jokes

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Gonna Marry

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"

Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.

"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

Group Photo

Q: Why is it so difficult to take a group photo of a bunch of West Virginians?

A: Because everytime the photographer yells “Cheese!” they all line up!'
Guns and Rednecks

Guns don't kill people. Dumb-ass, shit-for-brains, rednecks with no jobs kill people.
Guns don't kill....

Guns don't kill people.

Texans kill people.

Hanging With Rednecks

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says ''Just Say No To Crack'' and it reminds you to pull up your pants!
He's So Lucky, He's A Star

What do you call a redneck with a functioning car?

Lucky!
Hillbilly Animal Etiquette

What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common?
They both lick their paws.
Hillbilly Newlyweds

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't know how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child's book about where babies came from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch.

''Now, do you understand?'' he asked.

''I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?''

Horse Tears

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
How to Know if You're a Redneck Jedi

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
12. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?''
13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot.''
21. You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.