100 Redneck Jokes
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1-10 | 11-20 | 21-30 | 31-40 | 41-50 | 51-60 | 61-70 | 71-80 | 81-90 | 91-100
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| I Guess That's Fair Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens." "Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?" "Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em." The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?" If Ever You're Choking... A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm." Impressing Women A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman on an airplane. To start conversation, he asked her what kind of men she was interested in. Her first choice was American Indian men, since they're so rugged. After that she said that Jewish men were pretty attractive too. Not belonging to either of those categories, the man asked if there were any other kinds of men she liked to date. She thought for a moment and then said Southern men, because they're so gentlemanly. At this point, she realized she didn't know the man's name. "Well, my name's Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba." In Arkansas They Got Grody Teeth Why are there hardly any dental professionals in Arkansas? Because it takes 35 patients to make a full set of teeth. In the back woods of Arkansas... In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?" It's A War-Like Country A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were both fighting in a war and were captured by the enemy. "Before we put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?" "Yes," said the Alabaman. "Could you play 'Yeah, Alabama' before you shoot me?" "Sure," said the enemy. "How about you, Tennessean?" "Could you shoot me before you play 'Yeah, Alabama?'" Jet Fuel Alcoholics Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?” Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!” Lesbian Harem What do you call a lesbian with ten girlfriends? A Bush Hog Lightbulb... Rednecks How many rednecks, does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder. Louisiana Heritage A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion. 3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular. 4. You measure distance in minutes. 5. You know several people who have hit a deer. 6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. 7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. 8. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." 10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks. 11. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals. 12. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year. 13. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. 14. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal. 15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 16. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. 17. You carry jumper cables in your car. 18. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are. 19. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 20. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. 21. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts. 22. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports. 23. You think that deer season is a national holiday. 24. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm." 25. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and Christmas. 26. You know if another Louisianan is from southern, middle, or northern Louisiana as soon as they open their mouth. 27. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more. 28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather. |