SPIKE'S GROUNDHOG NIGHT

DISCLAIMER: None are mine, all belong to Joss and the people parts of the world I have never been to!

RATING: 15 - 18

PAIRING: Have a guess, come on you know me!

SPOILERS: Ok, this is where it gets complicated. It takes part in Season 4 of Buffy. The whole spell thing happened but then I have taken and twisted things. Spike still lives at Giles. There is no Tara and Willow. Oz has left. Buffy is going out with Riley. The ep was called Doomed I think. So that happened, then total AU, but with some references back to other eps. Nothing past season 4 though!

NOTE 1: This is from Spike's POV, it is my first fic from a POV before, I'm not too sure about it.

NOTE 2: Challenge Response: There were many parts to the challenge so the part that I have dealt with is included. You will notice that I have changed it and twisted it to suit my needs but that is only cos I haven't seen Season 5, so I'm going with what I know.

DEDICATION: Dar for the challenge from reds big bad list. Tellie my cyber sis, don't see enough of ya babe!!

NIGHT ONE

I woke up, and I knew, just - knew- that something was different. I didn't know what it was but I knew. I opened my eyes, yup, still the same old boring Giles' ceiling. Same old sofa that was damned uncomfortable to sleep on, and same old stuffy watcher shuffling around in the kitchen.

"Hey watcher. You do something?"

"I breathed."

"Oh funny mate. Something's off."

"Your feet?!"

"Humour mate, so not working for you." I sat up, glaring at him over the back of the sofa. "What did you do to me?"

"I certainly never touched you." He looked shocked, I smelt the fear, I laughed.

"That bloody witch better not have done another spell."

"I think she's learnt her lesson Spike."

"I hope so. God the slayers lips on mine." I shuddered at the thought. It had been weeks now since the spell went wrong but I could still sometime in the middle of the night hear her whispering to me, touching me, kissing me. Leaving her bloody smell all over me. Those nightmares were far worse than anything Angelus could ever do. I heard him laugh.

"It was quite a sight."

"What would you know? You lost your sight remember?"

"Yes, well, let's not go back there."

"Something's wrong with me."

"Besides the obvious?"

"Damn it. will you listen to me?" I jumped up, I was angry, I could feel something. I wanted to rip his throat up, images of blood and destruction played in my head. I got no pain. Wait. No pain? No chip? "I can bloody well bite people." I smiled and stalked toward that watcher. He didn't believe me, that was until I was yellow eye to brown eye and growling. Then I smelt it, the intoxicating fear that I craved. I inhaled deeply. "What a wonderful smell." I smiled around my fangs that felt so right. Felt like they actually belonged to me again. I grabbed his shirtfront and held him up. Yip, there was no pain. I smiled at him. "The Big Bad is back!"

"Look Spike, I don't know." He started but didn't finish. I sank my fangs into his neck and drank. His hands pushed me away but I was strong and wasn't going to let this sweet & old & vile blood get away.

"God, you taste awful." I threw him down spitting his blood out. "How old are you?" He looked up at me holding his neck. He was muttering how he couldn't understand how it happened. I didn't bloody care, I was free, I was me, I was alive in a totally dead sense and loving it. "I need some fresh sweet blood." I opened the front door and inhaled the night for the first time in too long. I walked out into the night as a demon. The demon I was always meant to be. I belonged again and it felt great.

I left him on the floor holding his neck. I was free. I stalked the night. It was my best friend again. My lost lover. I smiled as I strolled through the park. I sniffed the air. Humans. I could smell them everywhere, and now old Spikey could come out and play. Fresh blood walked past me in the shape of a man in his early twenties. I didn't even stop to talk, to crack a joke. I grabbed him and sank my fangs into his throat and drank. It was so sweet. I felt like a virgin again. My first kill was always the sweetest. I knew I moaned against his neck, he probably thought that this was some sort of kinky foreplay before sex for me, but no it wasn't. It was my life. Yeah I totally got off on it. I dropped his body on the pavement. I almost followed it from the ecstasy that flowed through my veins making my legs almost buck underneath me. I had missed it. I had missed the hunt, the kill, the blood. The demon. I looked at the man on the ground. "Well mate was it as good for you as it was for me?" I laughed, my laughter filling the silent night air. "Didn't think so. Never mind. No harm done. To me anyway." I bent down and wiped my fingers over his neck savouring the last drops of the precious human blood that I had been denied for months, then stalked off into the night. This was my night. This was all mine. Look out slayer here I come.................

NIGHT TWO

I woke up on Giles couch as always. Wait, I didn't go to sleep there. I blinked, opening my eyes. The same boring ceiling, the same spring digging in my back, the same shuffling sound of the watcher. Yeah this was the watchers house. How the Hell&?

"What have you done to me?" I yelled as I stood and rushed at him, grabbing him by the front of his shirt. The same shirt he had on yesterday & It didn't make sense, but what made less sense was I felt no pain. I dropped him and jumped back. No pain. I have no chip.

"Spike, what...?"

"How the bloody hell should I know?"

"You& you."

"Grabbed you? Felt no pain. Yeah I was bloody well there I know." I looked around. Everything was familiar yet seemed different. The newspaper caught my attention. The eleventh? Wasn't that yesterday? "Is that today's paper?" He looked at me as if I was mad, as if I should be carted away. Not the look you want to give a vampire that can rip your throat out, but that didn't bother me right now. I needed answers. "What the hell is happening to me?" I yelled throwing a coffee mug against a wall.

"Besides destroying my house and acting crazy you mean?" I turned on him, full game face on, growling. I needed to kill again. It had been so long. Images flashed back to me from the previous night. The vile taste of Giles' blood invaded me. Ok so don't bite him, but I can& In one swift movement I broke his neck. The sound, the almost silent deafening click as his neck broke was like music to my ears. "Oh yeah, I showed him." I smiled. Look out Sunnyhell I'm back!!!

................................................................

Ok, I was sitting on a park bench. Not very evil and demony of me I know, but that man on the other side of the park is the exact same man I distinctly remember draining dry last night. I remember my fangs in his neck, my moaning in pleasure, and his dead body at my feet. Things just weren't adding up. First Giles, then the date and now this man.

"Spikey, you all lost with out your precious friends to protect you?" I recognised the bloody whiney voice before I looked up.

"Harmony." I ground it out between my teeth. I saw her pathetic smile that made me want to smash my own face in. Her blonde hair pulled back, her clothes hanging over the curves of her body, the curves that were so perfect for worshipping, that is if they weren't connected to Harmony. I couldn't believe that I had slept with her, shagged her and enjoyed it. I must have been desperate. Well there was the whole rebound thing with Dru, the bitch left me, and I turned to the next best thing. Harmony. They were very similar now I thought about it, lacking in the brain department, could be silenced with sex, Dru loved dolls, Harmony loved fashion magazines. Would listen to what the beauty columnist said just like Dru did to Miss Edith. I could control them both. Only difference was I loved Dru and she broke my heart.

"Oh no, what if someone was to try and kill you." She changed faces on me, became the demon. That didn't even turn me on. I didn't want anything to do with her. She thought that she was going to kill me. Just how thick was she? Even with the chip I could still hurt her, I could hurt demons and looking at her ridged face and fangs she was definitely a demon. I stood. Looking at her. I couldn't even be bothered to change my own face. She wasn't worth it.

"Harm, you pillock. I can kill you."

"Not the last time I saw you, you were all 'oh poor me' "

"Yeah, you kicked me out." I grabbed her by the throat, she screamed. Oh yeah she was scared of me. I revealed in her fear. "And I only needed you for blood. I couldn't kill humans-. I can however." I tightened my grip on her, twisted my hands slightly and broke her neck, the sound once again sounding like music to my ears. "Kill you." I finished as I dusted the ash from me. Smiling I turned. That man was gone now, but no use dwelling on that. I had nice warm humans to kill and drain and make my cheeks a glow with other people's blood.

...............................

My night was going pretty well that was until I saw - her-. I couldn't stand the sight of her. She made my skin crawl. I mean she was the slayer and she was all over me. I can still smell her on me, taste her on my lips, feel her hands on me. I shivered. I - hate- her. There she was with her solider boy. How the hell he could stand to be around her I had no idea. Her hands were all over him, her lips against his neck & oh neck kissing I could go for that&-not- with her though. Oh damn she's seen me. I can't believe that I got down on one knee and proposed to her. God I am sappier than the poof. I bet he never got down on one knee. Just shagged her and got it over with, moved on, left down. I couldn't even do that & wait I could. I could do what I wanted now; I didn't have to rely on her and the other bloody Scooby gang anymore. I could stand on my own two feet once again. Oh yeah I love this. She came over to me. I smiled, I had a plan. She was slightly breathless from her dancing. "Slayer you have to come quick." I tried to sound like it was an emergency. I went to grab her arm; I faked the pain I would have felt had I still had the chip. She was looking at me now, her eyes wide, her lips slightly apart. God I kissed those lips, I held back the shudder. "Outside, it's..." What the hell was I going to say? "It's Red, she needs you."

"Willow's in trouble?"

"Just come on." I Held her arms still and pulled, she didn't notice that lack of pain it caused me. "Down here." I pulled her along behind me and to an alley. "They were in here. It was humans. I...I"

"Where is she Spike?" She yanked her arm from me and glared. I tried to act all pathetic.

"I...I couldn't help her. She said to...to."

"Spike cut the crap what happened? Who would hurt Willow?" She began to search the alley.

"You know." I was right behind her now. I smelt her fear, she was afraid for her friend, and let me tell you, slayer fear is the sweetest of all. I couldn't play any longer. I growled, my face changing. She spun around, her stake at the ready; I batted it away and grabbed her. "Maybe it wasn't this alley." I slammed her against the wall. "Maybe there was no alley. Maybe, just maybe I made it up." I saw her fear now, not only smelt it.

"Spike...what's going on? The..."

"Chip is gone. And you will be gone soon too."

"You...you can't." She tried to act brave. I mean she was brave for a slayer, but she was a slayer and I was a vampire and just like she had her sacred duty so did I. I had to kill slayers. "I'm the slayer you can't kill me." She protested

"Watch me." I smiled at her. "I've killed two already."

"Yes well..." I saw her struggling for air, looking around wildly for something to use against me. There was nothing. "I'll scream."

"You'll scream." I almost lost my grip on her arms as I laughed. "Go right a head, it makes it all the better for me." And she did. She screamed louder than I'd ever heard anyone scream. I got hard just listening to it. I mean I know she was the slayer, but who could resist screams of pain? Not me. I drank from her, her fear scented blood. It was the sweetest I had ever tasted. I pushed her further against the wall. My body flush with hers, I was beyond thinking at this point, I was intoxicated. I wanted to drown in her blood, to never re-surface. But her screams stopped, her body grew limp and I knew there was no more sweet ambrosia for me to have. I pulled away from her, licking my lips. "Well it was fun slayer. For me anyway." Then I dropped her like an old rag doll and smiled. "Slayer number three." I sang as I left the alley, the pumping music getting louder as I reached the entrance. No one even heard her scream.

..............

NIGHT THREE PART A

Ow! Oh God what is that? I rolled over and fell with a thump on the floor. I slowly opened my eyes. I say a chair, a table leg, a bookcase. A bookcase full of old dusty book that belonged to... "Oh God not again." I shouted as I sat up.

"What's the matter now?"

I looked over to the kitchen. There he was. Mr - I can't die no matter how hard I try to Giles.

"What the bloody hell? You're dead."

"Funny I don't feel dead."

"I bloody well killed you, you wanker."

"You'd think I'd remember something like that, and please don't call me that." I watched as he once again took off his glasses and wiped them peering at me.

"Don't tell me it's the eleventh today."

"Something going to happen today?"

"Only the bloody day again-"

"Spike what are you talking about." He walked toward me. There was no fear, nothing. It hit me that I could hurt people, but I didn't. I didn't reach out and grab him, snap him neck, didn't bite him as that memory came back to me too. He totally did not recall me killing him. It was as if it never happened. He looked at me. "Maybe the chip has done something to you."

"Maybe." I turned away. Ok, if Giles isn't dead then the slayer mustn't be. I smiled. I could kill her again, taste her sweet slayer blood. I could re-live it over and over again. I could get used to that.

"I'll call Buffy and see if she can find anything out from the Initiative." I blinked as I realised that he was talking again. I watched as he dialled her number. He was speaking to her, so, ok that put my theory into reality, the slayer was not dead.

...................

"Spike are you crazy?"

"If I wasn't so sure of myself then I would have to go with yes." I was pacing, and smoking. Smoking and pacing. I was a bundle of nerves. I...knew- that I had killed Giles, and Buffy and that before that I had bitten Giles, and that man in the park.
It was all so confusing.

"Maybe it was a dream?" I looked to Willow. She had been quiet the whole time, she knew something. I knew it. I stalked over to her and glared.

"What do you know?" I smelt her fear, it was more intoxicating that the slayers the other night. I smiled and leaned in closer. "Did you do another spell?"

"Me? No Spike, not me, I...I learnt my lesson." I stared into her green eyes; I saw something...something that I didnt want to see. I turned away.

"You just better not have."

Things weren't going well. No one believed me. Here I was standing in front of them, chipless and fancy-free, granted they didn't know about the chip thing, if I told them they would probably stake me and then who knows if I'd get to relive the day again. It was an intriguing thought but I most certainly did - not- want to put it in to practise. I stood and watched them. I saw how annoying they were, I imagined their bloodied and mangled bodies, and there was no pain in my head. I could actually have any little warped and twisted fantasy I wanted with them and get no pain from it.

I watched as Anya clung to Xander whining about wanting sex, God did that girl never stop? There was Buffy, the slayer slaying all her friends with her 'I am always right' attitude. She was standing, practically stamping her foot, her fists clenched stating that I could...not- be reliving the same day because - she- didn't remember anything. Oh I wish she did remember. Remember the way she screamed for me as I killed her. Remembered the pain that shot through her body as I sank my fangs into her neck, the helpless feeling she felt when no one came looking for her, not even her solider boy. Oh I could kill him and the Initiative. Tell them their chip doesn't work and demand a refund. But they might catch me again and I'd be stuck with another bloody chip, and probably worse, re-living the same day with the chip.

This was useless. I am the Big Bad. Ok I want to know what's going on but they aren't going to tell me anything. They don't even believe me. I could be out there now draining helpless people dry and basking in their blood. Oh I could kill Harmony again, that would be fun for like five seconds, but fun. More fun that watching the slayer rant and rave.

"I'm going out."

"What? Spike."

"Look you don't believe me fine, I made it all up, wanted a bit of fun. I've had it now, so goodbye." I slammed the door and breathed in the night air. It even smelt the same as the night before, and the night before. I could find my own fun.

.....................................

"Chubs, hey Chubs open up." I was banging on his door. I was drunk, I know that but I didn't care. I was having fun.

"Spike do you know what time it is?"

"Nope, don't care. Come here Xappet I want to tell ya a story." I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him outside. He was only wearing a pair of white boxer shorts; I could smell Anya all over him. That was even better. She must be in there. I
could have more fun.

"Spike, what are you doing?" He tried to struggle but I was gripping his arm tightly, I saw the pain and fear on his face.

"I don't know." I tied to act all lost and innocent but broke down in laughter. "Oh wait I do." I let my fangs drop and my face change. I smelt his fear. Oh yeah never get tired of this. "I was going to kill you." I sank my fangs into his neck and began to drink. He struggled. Not as much as I would have thought he would have. He had his arm around me, he struggled at first and then he kind of surrendered to it. Embraced me and death. Whilst it was nice I didn't have to fight to eat, I was
disappointed that there wasn't more fear and screaming.

Tossing his dead body down I went back to the door and knocked again. Anya came this time. I had to shout a few times to get her to open the door. I told her that Xander had been jumped by a demon, that got her attention and she flew out
of the basement and right into me. I laughed; you know the deep throaty chuckle I do. Turning her so she could see Xander was the highlight of my night so far. "You know, you want to be with him so badly well." I leant down toward her neck and
kissed it, scraping my fangs along it, breaking the flesh slightly but I didn't drink. She began to cry, wriggle against me. She screamed. Oh yeah I loved that. "You know, I'm not hungry after Chubs. So I guess I'll just&" In one swift motion I
snapped her neck and watched her fall to the floor. Rubbing my hands together I left.

"Hello Red." I sang as I made my way across to the dorms.

............................................................

"Hey Witch you in there?" Nothing. I could hear a heartbeat in the room but there was no answer. "Witchy girl? ... Red?...Willow open the bloody door people are looking at me." I banged my head against the door. Why the hell wasn't she letting me in? I wanted to get in there and kill her. She was ruining my fun. The door swung open and fell through it. She caught me. Her arms were around me and my faced was in her breasts. Cant complain really.

"Spike what do you want?"

"I wanted to see ya Red." I pushed myself up, still keeping my arms around her waist. "Didn't think I'd get to see so much." I leered. She pushed me away at this point and walked back into the room.

"I'm busy, make it quick."

"What's the matter luv?" I sat on her bed staying clear of the slayer smelling one. I wonder if she's still at the Bronze? I could go there afterwards and kill her again-.

"Nothing Spike. Just ask me for the favour and go." She sat in her computer chair and looked at me. There was no fear, no hate, at least not specifically pointed at me.

"Pet, why the long face?" I don't know why I cared, but I at least wanted my meals to be happy before I killed them, that way they dont want to leave life, and they scream more. She would probably put a little salt on her neck and over it
up to me.

"No reason other than the same one."

"Dogboy? Pet you have to move on."

"Like you you mean? Oh yeah you're so over Drucilla."

"I am." I sat up and looked at her. "You don't see me sitting home every night moping do you?"

"No you go out and drink yourself to oblivion."

"Point taken and noted luv. Now how can we cheer you up?"

"Why do you care?"

"I don't I'm drunk." I smiled, at least I hope it was a smile, I was really drunk.

"Maybe I don't want cheering up."

"Maybe. Maybe you do. Maybe you want a white knight to whisk you away and love you forever."

"Maybe I hate men."


"Now luv that's not a nice thing to say when one is sitting in your room trying to cheer you up."

"True, but you're a vampire, not a human man."

"Was one once, know how it feels."

"To have your heart broken?"

"Dru, remember?" I must have looked really pathetic cos she actually came over to me.

"I'm sorry Spike I didnt mean to bring up bad memories." She sat next to me, actually put her arm on my knee. It felt really nice. Like I wanted to shag her and not kill her. Maybe I could do both? "Look how about we both forget and change
the subject?"

"Ok luv. What do you want to talk about?"

"I dont know. What...what was all that about earlier?"

"What?"

"You re-living the day and all."

"Dunno pet, some nonsense I made up." Ok she was sitting really close to me, I could feel her warm body, she was invading the very essence of me. I am not supposed to like humans. I had to do something.

"Come on Spike. You were pretty insistent for a joke. You were very sure of yourself."

"What if I told you something Red?"

"Like what?" I stood up now. I felt so cold with out her touch, without leaning against me, without her looking at me the way only she can. I turned my back on her. This was going to be a tough kill. But as the Big Bad I had to do it. I worked
alone now, I had been hurt too many times to let another woman into my life just so she could run off and break my already dead heart ...again-.

"How about if I told you that the chip is gone." I heard her gasp, heard the bed shift as she stood up. I smelt the fear. At that moment it over rode all other thoughts. She was afraid of me; I could go with that. I turned back to look at her, my amber eyes shinning. "How about if I told you I killed your little Xander and Anya today? And that now I'm going to kill you."

"Buffy...?" I don't know whether it was a plea for her help or if she was asking if I'd killed her but I smiled.

"I killed her yesterday luv, and the watcher. Only fair you have your turn don't you think?" I stalked toward her backing her against a wall. "Don't worry you'll wake up in the morning and won't remember any of this. If you're lucky."

"Why are you doing this Spike? You don't have to."

"No I don't, but I am a demon and evil so it's pretty mandatory don't you think?" I grabbed her around the waist, she struggled, her hands on my chest I licked my lips momentarily forgetting what I was doing. Was I killing or shagging?

"Please Spike. I...I don't want to die." I looked at her, her big beautiful green eyes wet with tears that she had already cried over losing the wolf and new ones that I was making her cry. Some part of me didn't like that. The sappy part of me, but I still didn't like it. "I...I trusted you Spike. We helped you, fed you. I...I called you a friend." The tears fell down her face. She wasn 't so much scared of dying, but upset that it was me, that I would kill her after she helped me. I let go of her pushing her against the wall. She was winded. She stood there gasping for breath and looking at me. I looked back. Neither of us spoke, just stared. I wasn't going to kill her I knew that. She knew that. I watched her breathing, her breasts rising and falling, the way her body moved, it was hypnotising. I wanted her to move that way only for me, under me, I wanted to make her breathless not from pushing her against the wall but from making love to her over and over again. Ok, a wall could be involved but it wasn't necessary. I had to do something. I wasn't sure that if I stood there long enough that she would recover enough to grab a stake and kill me. I had to move. I had to leave her.

"This isn't over." I whispered as I backed out of the room, my eyes firmly on hers until I was past the door, then I ran out of the building.

........................................

NIGHT FOUR

"Oi! Over here, I'll have another."

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"I'll bloody well tell you when I've had enough." I growled at the bar man. I had noticed the looks he had been giving me, not sure whether to serve me or not. Damn it I wanted a drink. I mean I -knew- that I wouldn't have a hang over in the morning, cos when I woke up it would all have been erased and no one would know I was reliving my day or night or what ever the bloody hell it was. I was sick of it. I had killed the slayer and her bloody friends and then they all showed up the next day. But Red, I watched her. She didn't remember me not killing her; she didn't remember me seeing her crying, or the look that I saw in her eye as I pressed my body against hers and into the wall. She had no idea how I felt. I had no idea how I felt. I didn't want to know. I wanted to drown my sorrows. I wanted to drown in Willow but that was never going to happen. For starters I would never let it happen. I was a vampire, she was a human and I was not sap, I was no poof, I was not my bloody sire!

"Spikey."

I didn't hear her at first I was to busy shouting for a drink, but when my name was whispered in my ear I knew who it was. I turned and looked threw my drunken vision at my dark Goddess. Drucilla was back in all her glory and standing next to me. Her cold hand was on my arm, her dark eyes were looking at me, I felt like she was hypnotising me.

"Dru." I didn't feel how I thought I would when I saw her again. It had been a long time; she had left me, left me for a bloody chaos demon. No one could have treated her better than I did, not even Angelus. It was all about him and not her when they were together, but with us, she was the centre of my world. The centre that was ripped away when she looked at me and said in a serious childish voice. "Miss Edith said I don't love you Spikey." Miss Bloody Edith. The bloody doll told her what to feel, and so she left me. Perhaps it wouldn't have hurt as much if she had said that she only wanted to shag this demon, spend a few decades apart, it would have hurt, but I would have know that she loved me. But she said she didn't love me. How can she not love yet come back and expect me to still love her?

"Did you miss me Spikey?" She leaned in and nipped at my ear. "Miss Edith said strange things are happening to you." That got my attention. I pulled away, almost falling off my stool.

"You know?"

"It's in the stars my darlin'"

"What do they say?" She just looked at me smiling. "Damn it Dru what do you know?" I grabbed her arms and shook her. Her face lit up and I cringed slightly.

"Spikey." She cooed at me. I forgot that she liked it rough, forgot she was a childe of the brutal Angelus.

"Damn it Dru just tell me."

"You killed the slayer." It wasn't a question but a statement, she knew that I had killed old slutty on one of these reoccurring nights that were beginning to scare the hell out of me.

"I did." She looked away and I followed her gaze. There was nothing there but clearly someone or something was talking to her.

"She still lives. You killed them all but they all still live."

"And it's getting bloody annoying."

"I can change all that Spikey." She looked back at me and smiled. At some point I must have let go of her as she ran her cold fingers along my cheek. "Come back to me Spikey."

I blinked at her in shock. "I never bloody well left you."

"It doesn't mater my baby come back to me."

"And what if I say no?"

"You won't Spikey, you love me." She was so close to me, almost touching me, teasing me. I couldn't even think straight. "Come on Spikey." She was looking at me in the way that I just couldn't say no to. Before the movements even registered with me she was in my arms and I was kissing her.

.......................................

The Mansion. I hadn't been back there since ol' Peaches left. It was still there, still all in one piece. She took me there. I don't know why I let her take me there, why I didn't just...didn't just what? I had no idea what I felt or what I wanted. I was numb all over. Partly from the drink and partly because Dru was back. I honestly never thought I'd see her again. I had come to terms with that. Red had helped me - wait don't want to be thinking about her when I have my Dru with me, cos she would never think of anyone else when she was with me. Oh no, she would never think of Angelus, or the chaos demon or the bloody mailman. No uh-uh no way!

I yanked my arm away from her as we entered the building. She stood like a deranged child clapping her hands and looking around. I - knew- she was thinking of Angelus, even Angel, I know somewhere deep down she had a thing for him too. The goodness there just waiting to be corrupted like Angelus had corrupted her.

"Spikey take me." She wasn't even looking at me. Oh yeah I knew romance and it wasn't Drucilla. I just stared at the back of her head and she spun slowly around and looked at me with vacant eyes. "What's the matter Spike? Cat got your tongue? You still love me dont you?" I saw the tears in her eyes. I knew that she was a loopy psycho and probably didnt even realise how much she hurt me by leaving. How low I had to reduce myself to. I had to humble myself enough to ask the slayer for help. Me William the Goddamn Bloody asking some slip of a chit for help. She was touching me now, her cold icy fingers on my arm, slowly working their way up. She was so childlike, and so innocent in a perverse kind of way. A part of me did love her, did always want her to be by my side, I had loved her from the moment I had set eyes on her. She seemed to need me then and she seemed to need me now.

I shut off my emotions, Ha! Emotions, I'm a bloody vampire; I'm not supposed to be all sensitive and lovey. I let her work for my love. She wanted me then it was going to be on my terms. Her lips were on my neck, nibbling, biting, sucking, doing all the thing that drive me wild. Ok, so I'm a push over, but I couldn't last any longer. Skillfully grabbing her I pulled her closer and crushed my lips to hers. And then it happened. I realised that I wanted more. Drucilla my supposed life 'eternal- life partner wasn't all I thought she was. Who had I been with all those years? Had she changed so much? Had I? I tried to stop to push her away but she wasn't having any of it, she just pushed harder against me.

The things she was doing were turning me on, only for the first time ever that I had been with her, I wasn't thinking of her. It was someone else, some one that I wasn't sure who it was, but this person was warm and tender and loving. I sunk into oblivion, I wanted a good shag, and could have even settled for Dru but I knew that she would still be there in the morning and I didn't want that. Wait&the morning&None of this would have happened. I smiled. I could do this, and then, not go back to the bar and therefore not see Dru. Oh yeah I can come up with a good plan when a mouth is on sensitive part of my body urging me to do anything but think.

...........................

I woke up and she was gone. For a split second I thought that whatever curse had been put on me was gone, I hadn't woken up on the watchers bloody sofa like all the other times. Then I realised that the night wasn't over yet.

It was nearly dawn, I could feel it. I couldn't believe that she, Dru, my Dark Goddess had left me again. Part of me wanted to go out and find her and do what I hadn't had the chance to do before - torture her into loving me again. But another part of me was glad she was gone. I didn't love her; she had made a hole in my dead heart that I had managed to live with it. I had moved on.

Then the strangest thing happened. The part of me that had moved on suddenly shouted out to me. Made me bolt up in bed making the covers fall to my waist. I clutched my chest and looked wildly around. Something was wrong. Something was - very- wrong. I jumped out of bed and grabbed my jeans off the floor. Cursing as I looked for my shirt and yanked it on as I ran out the door.

There. In the dimly lit almost morning light I saw what my dead heart had been telling me.

"NO!" I must have sounded like a mad man as I lunged forward and knocked my once love of my life to the ground.

"Spikey it was meant to be a surprise. She's for you."

I looked at her. Her pale skin, blood red dress, and the most precious blood ever found in a human being dripping down her chin.

"Go to Hell Dru."

She whimpered and looked pathetic as I grabbed the fallen stake off the grass and swiftly plunged it into her dead heart before she could utter one more word. Her ashes caught the wind and blew away.

I dropped to my knees and cradled my now dead love of my life in my arms. I could feel the coldness begin to invade her body. She was dead. Dru didn't even have the bloody decency to turn her. I saw the sun begin to poke out over the horizon. I knew what I had to do.

A single tear fell down my cheek and fell on the soft red hair in my hands. I knew that I couldn't live a moment without her. I felt the sun prick at my skin, and I felt a kind of peace and calm wash over me. I loved Willow. I would die with Willow.

...........................................

I want my life to make more sense to me!