-If I'm not back in 5 minutes...Just wait longer...

-"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose...it's how drunk you get"

-Your envy creates my energy, ever wonder why I'm so hyper?

-Everybody gets a chance in the spotlight, you can have it when I'm done!

-Big girlz don't cry, they get even...

-Curiosity killed the cat, but the monkey gets away with murder!

-Energizer Bunny arrested- Charged with Battery.

-Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

-If electricity comes from electrons...does that mean that morality comes from morons?

-Don't whiz on the electric fence!

-I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

-You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

-Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or gone stark raving mad.

-Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

-Curiosity killed the cat, but the cat had 9 lives. -Cat with 8 lives left.

-Never knock on Death's door just ring the bell and run, he hates that.

-I'm not crazy, you're just jealous all the voices talk to ME!

-Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-o to a tree. (This one is completely true, being a Teenager myself and trying to nail Jell-o to a tree.)

-Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

-May your life be like toilet paper...long and useful

-I may be fat but your ugly and I can diet!

-Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

-What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."

-Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.

-Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

-If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-I've discovered that i often visit that state of confusion and I know my way around pretty well.

-You're twisted, depraved and rotten to the core...I like that in a person!

-I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.

-Reality is a nice place, but i wouldn't want to live there.

-Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap!

-You have a face only a mother could love...And i think she's trippen to!