My Testimony

This becomes a little hard to write, since,for me every detail is important. But that would be a most boring autobiography, and not what I'm writing here. I'll probably say more than I need to (fair warning) in this account of how God has worked in my life and how I came to know Him; but, hopefully, without offending too many people.

I come from a fairly diverse background. I had a Jewish uncle, Irish cousins, Hungarian-Norwegian cousins, Chinese-Hawaiian cousins, a Protestant minister grandfather, devout and lapsed Catholics, first generation Americans and D.A.R. members, doctors, nurses, musicians, merchant marines, and other assorted types in my near family. I always felt I fit everywhere and nowhere. My mother, from a Protestant Hungarian home, loves culture and music. My father, from a Catholic home, doesn't care much for music and 'events'. Just imagine some of the differences in the big issuesof life. There was a lot of dissension in my home. I can remember back fairly far, and from as early as I can recall I always believed in God. My Grandfather Bakay was an early influence : always giving a small devotional at breakfast, and generously supplying Christian comic books, devotional books, dimes for offering, etc. all through my childhood. I really didn't see the Hungarian temper my mother recalls.

My church upbringing was Presbyterian. This suited my temperment, I think. I loved the quiet, calm, and stately musical services. And the Presbyterians are a studious lot, with an emphasis on using your mind in your religion. Maybe that's why Francis Schaeffer is one of my favorite authors, today. The insuffiency of this upbringing lay in its intellectualization, however, and my mind started moving in other avenues. One of these was the occult.

I had a great fascination with the spiritual, and many questions concerning the future. I started looking into astrology in my pre-teen years, read Edgar Cayce, Nostradamous, along with puzzling over the books of Daniel and Revelation in the bible. I tried to develop ESP (I'm telling you, I worked at this). As I went through my teen years I maintained a deep interest, going from ouija boards to tarot cards, charting horoscopes with an ephemeris, looking into numerology, kabbalism, and palmistry. I studied Jean-Paul Sartre and Camus, because they were cool, and Dostoevsky was my favorite author. I was an intellectual wannabe (but in your teen years you are allowed!) This was also the late sixties, with riots in our city, sexual pressures, drug pressures; you know the history.

My home life was hellacious. My parents marriage was breaking up, and it was not done nice and quietly. I was the oldest child, always a little difficult at best, and with this stew, and my genes, I was in turmoil much of the time. My mother and I made each others lives miserable, once my dad was out of the picture. I think we were experts of a type.

All through this time I always had a basic faith in Jesus Christ; although a little jumbled. It kept me free from certain troubles and gave me some interesting experiences. First was in answer to prayer. I was brought up with the idea that you only asked God for the big things in life, so my prayers were memorable ones. I got into some serious trouble- and God answered me on that one; I had a Jewish boyfriend who had to have some major eye surgery- we both prayed and God brought him through fine; sometime after that, a would-be rapist was thwarted. I found that God was most certainly there for me. Secondly, there were some unusual effects within the occult activities. As I look back now, I see the incredible power of Jesus' Name. We just have no real idea of it most of the time. It started out small: I would ask the ouija board questions and then ask about Jesus- it simply moved off the board. Remember how I worked at ESP? There was always some sort of barrier, I think now it was Jesus. I had a terrifying experience of the devil's reality, and turning to God dispelled it. But the most clear revelation of what I was dealing with came during a session with the tarot cards. This was during my first college quarter. I was laying out the cards and asking different questons, and as I asked questions of a spiritual nature, the realization that something was playing games with me- a presence, an evil presence, was in control of the whole process. This scared me, and from that time I put away the cards permanently. I found out something that day. People who explore the occult are looking for power, a way to control their world. They believe that they are partners working in conjunction with spiritual powers, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Evil seeks only to dominate in order to obliterate. Always. Occult practices are the reaching out to spiritual evil, whose help is Faustian. The price is heavy, and you never want to have to pay it, but its demand is inexorable. This event closed the book on seeking answers within the occult realm.

Alongside these times, I had moved into the home of the Irish -Catholic Hughes family. That someone would invite a stranger into the heart of their home exemplified Christian reality to me. I studied Catholicism at this time; it deepened my spiritual hunger, and as I read the bible, it served to deepen my guilt, as well. I read in Revelation 21:8 "But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idoaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone : which is the second death." I had my part in that number, I was going to hell , but I didn't want to.

The forces at work at this time in my life were like a nutcracker tightening its grip. And I was the nut! Feeling like one, too, I assure you! I was so altruistic and idealistic; I wanted to make the world a better place and help my fellow man. I really wanted that, it was my main goal. But my huge ego and sizable selfishness assured the futility of all my effort. I had talents, and I wanted to be successful in my field of art and academics, but my self-destructive and vague attempts undermined that area. So, I got married. I married at twenty, tired of dating and thinking "Why not?"