The night
air is cold. I should probably go inside
and get my coat, or at least put on some boots. But that would mean havin’ to go back into the bedroom where Slim is sleepin’ so peaceful and chance wakin’
him. And then I’d have to explain.
No, I
guess I wouldn’t. He don’t
ask me any questions so long as he knows I’m not up to something. Though how he can always tell, I don’t
know. I used to have a pretty good poker
face before I came here. Maybe that’s
what havin’ a family means…not havin’
to wear your poker face every day.
It sure
wasn’t like that in my family. Couldn’t
tell anyone what you were thinkin’, ‘lest you get a whalin’ just for thinkin’ it. Pa, he was pretty fast with his belt, and
didn’t seem to care who it was aimed at, neither. Even Francie came
in for a whuppin’ now and then. Mostly when she stood up
for me.
Francie.
I haven’t thought of her in…no, that’s
wrong. I don’t think there’s been a day
in the past year I haven’t thought of her.
Ever since that snake, Gil Brady, showed up here. He must’ve had some pretty big cojones to come here askin’ for
my help…’cept if he’d been so well equipped, he wouldn’t’ve run off and left her in the first place.
Dang,
it’s cold. I never knew a place could
get so cold. Even a west
It just
didn’t sit right, what that sergeant told me about Francie
killin’ herself.
That wasn’t the sister I knew. Francie would stand up to just about anything, from a mad
bull to a ragin’ pa, which, come to think on it, were
pretty much the same thing. I can still
see it, all five-foot-nothin’ of her standin’ nose-to-nose with Pa, and him with his belt in one
hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
And Ma cowerin’ in the
background, lettin’ Francie
do her fightin’ for her.
No, that ain’t fair neither.
Ma had a lot to put up with and was pretty near wore
down with it. I guess it wasn’t easy
with a man like Pa and sons that…well, I won’t be sayin’
nothing against the dead, but Johnny probably would
have ended up on the business end of a rope before he was 20. If he’d got the chance. And I was headin’
in the same direction.
Maybe Billy
would’ve made it. He was still a baby,
though he thought himself a man…not yet 11 and bustin’
to be old enough to go ‘round with his big brothers.
Andy kind
of reminds me of him—at least, what he might have been if he’d’a had the chance. If he’d’a had someone like Slim to take care of him, see that he grew
up straight.
I didn’t
do that for Billy. I was too busy bein’ mad at the world.
I hope Slim appreciates what he’s got.
If not, I’m gonna have to kick his tail every
so often to remind him.
No, Francie wouldn’t just give up like that. None of us Harpers
have much give up in us. We go down fightin’…
Maybe that was a dodge to get away from Gil…havin’ someone from home tell the Army she was dead so’s he’d leave her alone.
I should
write someone…maybe Sam Tillerman’s still around, or
Fred Jackson. Or…what was her name…Eva Karlson, that’s it.
She and Francie were pretty good friends once.
Maybe she’s heard something. Maybe she
can tell Francie it’s safe to come home now Gil’s
gone.
Maybe I’m
just wishin’ things were different.
But my
life has changed so much, and all for the better, I can’t help wishin’ it for Francie. I wish she was safe and happy like me. I wish she had a family of her own, someone
to love her and care for her. I wish she
got to know what havin’ a family really means. It’s taken me this long to figure it out for
myself.
Havin’ a family means havin’ people to care for, and who care for you. It means thinkin’
of other people, and takin’ responsibility for your
actions, not just for yourself, but for them as well. Because whatever you do, no matter how right
you think it is, it’ll affect them too.
Havin’
a family means never bein’ alone, and that’s
something that takes a lot of gettin’ used to.
But it’s
worth it.
* * * * *
Dang, you startled me. Don’t you
know that can be dangerous?
Yeah, I know it’s cold. I’ll be in soon. I didn’t wake you, did I? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you
none. There’s nothing wrong. I just had
some thinkin’ to do.
Yeah, I know that’s unusual for me. Very funny.
You go on back to bed. The sun’ll be up soon.
I’ll lay the fire for breakfast so Jonesy won’t
have to carry the firewood with his bad back.
I’ll see you in the morning. And Slim—thanks.
Just…thanks.
August 11, 2008