My Vitals

MY STORY

I have been "actively" crossdressing since I was 12, but I have always loved being girly.
I was different from most boys, being small and skinny I was always being picked on by the big bullies. I was also rather androgynous in my looks with curly red hair, as a child I was often mistaken for a little girl, my mum used to call me curly-locks!

When puberty came something unexpected started happening, my right breast began to swell into a small feminine breast. This is a condition called Gynecomastia and while it is now known to be quite a common condition in boys as they reach puberty, not much was known about it back then, even in the medical community. Obviously I had a hormone in-balance, but I was more scared of being noticed, than of what was happening to me, so I kept it a secret for months. One day when I found a pink silk cami in the wash basket (I have sisters) I just couldn't stop myself, I had to explore. I pulled it over my head and down my body and felt such wonderful sensations that I almost fainted! I realised then that deep  inside that I am female in nature. I should point out that it was never a sexual thing for me, and I certainly wasn't ever a 'panty thief', it was more about feeling "normal".

These days were some of the best of my life as I hid my secret "extra" and bought my first girls clothes, I dressed in tank tops and off-the-shoulder blouses. I was in heaven! It was the late 70's so I even had a Boob Tube (oh I'm showing my age now), and it was perfect to show off my new figure.

This was sadly short-lived, when my father noticed my breast he took me to our family doctor, and then to a "specialist".
They told me that I had to have an operation and I tried to protest but you could never argue with my father for long. He asked me if I was a man, and I couldn't tell him my true feelings, so I had to lie. (his way, or no way!)
My father and the doctors at the hospital told me they would only remove some fluid, but they actually performed a partial mastectomy, for some reason they removed a lot of breast tissue as well. I was in pain for days, being scarred both physically and emotionally, and I have since been told by specialists that it was a totally unnecessary operation.
It was a traumatic experience, but I realise now that they only took away a physical part, and that my spirit has always been feminine. This operation has had major consequences in my later life. More on that later.

Through my teens I struggled with the boy-girl thing, I loved women, perhaps too much and was always too shy around them. I never really had enough physical urge to overcome my inhibitions, and there was the shame of my on-going identity crisis..

During my late teens and early twenties I went through purges, giving away my clothes to charity shops. When I was 18, I met my first real girlfriend, and we were married 6 years later, but my soul was still secretly yearning to be feminine. I had told my wife that I was a crossdresser before we were married, but that was the only time we talked about it. It soon became very stifling to live and work only as a man. About three years into the marriage I cried ENOUGH!, and Rene came out of the closet again! I went out for a midnight stroll after my wife had gone to bed and just my luck, she woke up and was looking for me. She caught me coming back through the front door, she handled it very well, she was more concerned about my safety out in the street, but it was swept under the carpet, yet again! Unfortunately the marriage didn't last, though not because of my "femme side"

Three years after the breakup, i was diagnosed with testicular cancer. The teste was removed, and I have come through OK, (with months of radiation therapy) and have had full remission for 11 years running now..

I also went to an endocrinologist and the tests found that I have low levels of Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH)
In spite of all this I have never had problems with sex, just a lack of it from time to time. (smile).

What now?
Right now I'm living it up in my new home near Sydney harbour. I occasionally go out shopping and to meet my friends at clubs and bars, my favourite is Gilligans (aka the Oxford St Coctail bar), and I also go to the Taxi Club, a transgender night club in Sydney.

I must say that I am NOT attracted to men, I adore women! I don't like using labels but does that make me a lesbian?
(maybe a lesbian wannabe?)
I work as a man, and being rather successful gives me a good income to indulge in my shopping addiction.

And what of the future?
Who knows what the future holds? I was fully approved for M-F transition in Oct 97, and started a full course of female hormones, but I stopped after only a few months, it was a wonderful time and felt right, however one breast did not develop at all (a legacy of my child-hood operation). Taking oestrogen is a huge shock to the body, and I think my body wasn't ready for it after the anti-cancer treatments during that year, it affected my health and my work suffered. I was also scared of the risk of breast cancer with HRT, and with my history of cancer it's a risk I'm not prepared to take. I've always been an all-or-nothing person, I've made my decision, and I'm committed to living my life as a man (well mostly anyway).

lol.

Special footnote: I will always be grateful for the love and support of my family and my TG friends, without them my world would be a much darker place.

I would love to hear from `girls like me' or "girls not like me" (wink) so drop me a note!
rene_sydney@hotmail.com

All text and images are
© 2005 René Sydney

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