This is a little thing i wrote, took me about 1.5-2 hours to put together (first draft), but a couple of years to actually think of all this stuff. If you are here, that means that you share similar ideas with me, or at least agree with some. If this isn't your cup of tea, im sorry, but that's cool. I'll try to add a paragraph every once in a while, if i think of anything interesting to say. First post date April 2, 2004. (*)First revision November 13, 2004. (**) second revision November 24, 2004. (^) third revision December 26, 2004. (^^) 4th revision January 28, 2007 (&) Last update April 20, 2008
Sorry about the tough to read shit, and if you have any suggestions about how to format it to make it more readable, I'm listening. Also, I've decided to never modify any of the paragraphs on this page unless for grammatical reasons, but just add new thoughts over time.
"You know..." by Anton Zeltser
You know, for the past couple of years I've been trying to improve myself as a person. And yes, I am aware that the usage of the word "I" eliminates the illusion of general statements that would relate to whoever read this, but hell, we really are all the same.
Being a "good person" is ultimately a complicated task, since there is no definition for the term. Have I been giving to charity, or building proper housing in South America? No. Neither have I found a cure for AIDS, or discovered a new civilization on Mars (more of a "useful person" idea). No, I concentrated more on the immediate things that influence myself and those around me. Notice that I said "trying to improve myself", which does not indicate any form of progress, but does imply that some progress is bound to happen in the near future. But fuck the vagueness: I want to be a listener. I want to help the people that I care about. And no, I am not full of shit; listening eventually leads to sharing, which, in term, improves relationships.
Now, my biggest problems are being indirect, and unable to compliment people. And being an asshole sometimes, yes. I'm not macho, but if I do get sensitive, I keep it inside, that's just how I work. Don't ask me for relationship advice, since I don’t have any relationship experience. I'll listen, sure, but do not expect me to be useful. Anything other than that, sure, I am here for you.
If a person is a religious zealot, or just a practicing believer, there is nothing a single person can do to help them with their problems. See, they would relate everything to fate, divine plans, and string it all together by so-called "signs". Why can't people realize that every person is their own God? Religion is control, nothing more. It was invented by a handful of groups many years ago, to unite the lonely and lost. Why do I have to be born into a religion, a pre-determined set of beliefs that exists on a theoretical level alone? No two people are exactly alike, which is why 3 or 4 dominant religions on this earth simply cannot satisfy over 6 billion people! With all the shit going on around us every day, all the wars and… well "shit", show me one person that has proved the existence of something sublime, or a miracle, one that could change it all for the best.
You can't, because it never happened. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: there is a force beyond us. It sets us up on the right path to whatever it is we are intended to do, but it is 100% up to us to choose either to walk it, or steer away. It's the same for everything: career, love life, place of residence. I have no proof for that, that's just the way I feel.
(^^) Today’s media makes it easier for people to side with atheism or agnosticism, by showing practitioners of the Muslim-Judeo-Christian communities apply laws that are at least 1500 years old to everyday life. It appals me that certain schools actually incorporate creationist theory into the study curriculum of elementary schools, and pass off evolution as another theory. Religion is not a science. Say it with me: science is science! Feel like a retard for saying that? Well don’t. Apparently the very people who are supposed to enrich our existence with the gift of knowledge at a young age are allowed to impose their own religious views on us when we’re most vulnerable. For some reason, they believe that a book that was written 5 thousand years ago is science. It’s a vicious cycle of misconception, which involves brainwashing a moulding the mind of a young child, without giving him a choice or a chance to oppose... that child grows up to brainwash the next generation. It is tyranny, and this should not occur in any modern states, especially not democratic ones.
(^^) I find the whole Scientology debate very amusing… if you don’t know what it is, let me piece together some bits of info that I’ve stumbled upon on the internet (oh, and southpark… which coincided with ACTUAL SCIENTOLOGIST views). A science fiction writer by the name of L. Ron Hubbard wrote a book some 30 years ago, about how life on earth was spawned by some inter-galactic ruler who dropped some souls into a volcano and hence spawned life on earth… I really apologize for not being too specific on this, I just couldn’t force myself to delve any deeper into this crap. So some people (term used generously) started…following ...a science fiction… book. Written by some guy, not unlike you or I. Now you’re sitting there, religious or atheist, black or white or whatever and thinking “who the fuck would be stupid enough to fall for this shit?”.
Well, I think the statistics point towards a nice round 6 billion people. Just because it’s a recent craze doesn’t mean it’s any different from ones centuries ago. These people are following someone’s very rich, creative imagination. Consider this: it is identical to calling yourself a Jedi. I dare you to argue against that point. I applaud Hubbard for having the following that he has; I wish I could be him! It is amazing because over the past 100 years we have advanced at a far greater rate than ever before… we’re defying gravity, curing diseases, conquering space and instantly communicating with our buddies in Bangladesh; and yet, we can’t just let go of these age old beliefs that have ceased to apply to our everyday life probably some time around the Renaissance (although, I’m guessing some crazy Frenchies said these exact words back then).
Which brings me to the idea of making the wrong choices, and umm… hell. Hell exists. A friend of mine once told me that she watched a show about some woman who explained what hell is probably like: it's us, locked inside ourselves, facing our fears and our sins. There's no devil, no eternal hellfire, no demons, and unfortunately no chicks in leather with whips. Hell indeed. Don't you fear dying, and having to stand before all the shitty things you've done? I totally agree with that woman. We are our own hell, because we are also our own masters. Fuck up, and pay for it. Heaven is also a simple idea: it's peace. Nothing else, nothing more. No dozens of virgins, none of that shit. Isn't it rewarding tho? Just… lie there. "Rest in peace".
Now to all the people who say they hate this planet, wish they were dead, and whatnot. Except for a small percentage of the people (in North America), those people have absolutely no right to complain about their shitty little problems, like slipping and falling in gym class, or being embarrassed at work. Wake the fuck up!!! You are alive, and for all you know, that could be it!
We are burdened with being the elite-continent. Not elite because we know better, no, neither because we deserve it, but because we are lucky. Shit just turned out this way. And you know what else? We like to believe that we are good people, and some of us really are. Here is something I learned during a drunk, yet enlightening discussion after a rough work day (I thank my partners in crime: Chris, Cartier, Ty and Nicki): we simply don’t care enough about others. If you were moderately rich, would you really donate your money to help some starving people in Africa? Bless your little heart if you just answered "yes" to that. We have a laissez-faire approach to anything that does not directly relate to our everyday lives. "Oh man, that's pretty shitty… someone better do something about it". I promise, when I make my first billion, I will donate a million to those who need it. That is after I buy the new Tool album, and install some tight new shocks on my ride. "Please don't call me pessimist, try to read between the lines."
This brings me to the eternal question about the existence of love. Of course it exists. This is a tricky one though, so I'll try my best to explain how I see it: god = love. No no, wait, keep reading, you've already made it this far. "But Anton, you said everyone is their own god… and that it's different for everyone… yada yada yada". Ideally, love is exactly how I want religion to be: not hammered into your head from the age of zero, but allowing you to find it yourself, find one that is your own. Another quote of mine from a couple years ago goes as follows "Love is the relationship between how much you want something, and how much you are willing to sacrifice to get it". Yes, I know, I'm gifted. But honestly, I still believe in that quote. That's probably the only one that I've come up with on my own, from my personal experience, and I'm proud of it. We all want many things, and quite often they conflict. Life's a bitch, and you can't have it all, but if I got 49% of the things I want in life, I will indeed be happy. I am extremely disappointed with everyone overusing the word "love". It should be a special thing, and we are wearing it out like its nothing. Next time, before you tell someone that you love them, ask yourself this: do you feel better about yourself when you're with them? I love my family, and I feel good when I'm sharing good times with them. I love my friends as well. When one person can satisfy you on a level close to your family and friends (as well as the obvious intimate level), that is when you are truly in love. Think about it, and you'll understand that ultimately it is a calculation.
(**)With every day that I live I understand that understanding women is absolutely and utterly impossible. Beautiful walking paradoxes indeed they are. The thing that confuses me the most is women's persistence for us to always tell them the truth, and their constant inability to deal with it. Yeah, just like Nicholson said. Please, please do not ever ask questions where one of the possible answers could be something that you don’t want to hear, because most of the time THAT is the truth. We need to find a way to rectify all the stupid rules for relationships that we have here and just lay every single thing out on the table from day one (Richard Jeni has a comedy bit about that… look it up). As men, we are expected to just be there, to listen, be a shoulder to cry on; lately I've been realizing that I don’t want to be that kind of guy. Most women are dreamers, who have these images of the perfect life, and the perfect setting for their future... I like to dream sometime too, but once I snap out of it I see the truth: I am as far from perfect as they get, but hey oddly enough there are still one or two people on this earth that actually like me! Behold this divine occurrence! Love your girl, but if you spend too much time "yessing" her around she will walk all over you. Try to make your stand too late, she'll get upset… and the cycle starts all over again. Even though this society apparently strives for sexual equality, guys are still traditionally considered the superior race (for the 5 people who have read this and might be reading this again now, don’t send me any emails saying that I'm sexist… yet). Well, maybe not "superior", but it's 11 pm and that’s the best word I could come up with. We have to take care of the ladies and we love that, it makes us feel like we are in control. My problem with that whole arrangement, however, starts here: all over the media there's this talk about how gentlemen are gone, and how things aren’t how they used to be… but isn’t this what we wanted? Isn’t this basically what women have been striving for all these years? If you're going to follow tradition, then pulling out a chair for a woman should be considered just as sexist as expecting her to raise the kids (once again, wait, not just yet). Now just to cover my ass here a bit, I repeat the fact that we, as men, love looking out for the girls and I will definitely do my part when I have children a few years down the road. But we cannot be expected to put up with this reverse-sexism thing for too long. I –want- a girl who is independent because I intend to stay immature forever and want my significant other to be able to put me in my place… maybe spank me a little or something. I –want- her to buy herself cutsey little dresses and ask me if her ass looks fat, and I want her to understand that the shit that I say is never to offend, it's just how I feel. Would I get offended if I am asked to open a jar or kill that nasty looking "2 foot spider" who just climbed up her leg and was going for the funny place? No because it is expected of me to do that… I guess it's tradition for guys, but chauvinism for women. How's that for equality?
(**)And as long as I'm touching the issue of equality, I might as well stress the point of individuality. Is it just me or does every major company in the world is really pushing the idea of treating us as inviduals while selling us the same old packaged shit as before? Cell phone plans that fit "you", cars made for "you" and "you" alone, even a friggin wendy's burger which went through a distinctive level of customization. It's a nice gesture, too bad it's nothing but an illusion: giving us variety and choices is simply another form of control. They rely on certain demographics to pick a certain item. Let me provide you with an example: for years true music fans have been whining about how much MTV sucks an abnormally large piece of a male anatomy, usually belonging to a member of the Equus asinus family (google rules). A couple of years ago, what do you know? A revalation! All bow the wonder that is MTV2. 85% of the time all Hollywood sequels suck (MatrixReloaded, 2Fast 2and 2Furious2, Universal Soldier2, and *shudder* Starship Troopers 2…), and even though MTV2 does have it's good moments, it's a lame attempt to subdue the hardcore fans. Turn it on right now if you have it. You'll see either Korn or Limping Cookie or something.
This is where I present the counter argument to myself: it's impossible to satisfy everyone and once an underground thing reaches a large enough mass of fans it becomes mainstream which alienates the rest of the underground fans. That’s why people say Metallica sold out, and that’s why bitchass bands like Good Charlotte or Simple Plan will never be truly respected and referred to as progress in the punk music world (I just had to trash those hypocritical "kill-the-rich" freeloaders). I mean come on, the makeup and the spikes, you think that's gonna make you look different and distinct? Look around! Apparently, Goth and Punk is IN now. Carson said so. And you know, I think Goth kids kick ass when it comes to personality, I really do. They listen to metal, techno, and even that Emo shit that is somehow considered a style nowadays, even tho whining about not getting laid is a technique exercised by many before me, without getting paid for it (god bless America). I also admire the Goth's dedication to putting on makeup and styling their hair every morning to look ominous and dark and oh-so-Burtonish every day, but I fucking HATE it when they try to shove their dark thoughts into my head. You're 15, you're failing gym because the fishnets are riding up your ass and your girlfriend is holding your Evanescence album hostage until you admit that her id is a lot darker and Trent Reznor is way cooler than Robert Smith. Get over it, because it makes you lamer than a 19 year old asshole who's sitting in front of the computer at 2 am trying to type witty articles and post them online. It is simply impossible to be unique nowadays because once you create something that is truly yours someone is going to like it and copy you. If a lot of people like it, it could turn into a trend, which means one thing: it will be forgotten in 4 months, only to come back in 10 years for another term. No one can tell you who you are unless you have somehow found a way to resurrect Freud's analytical ass and the rest of him to help you out. You must make the choice for yourself. Why do you think you're agreeing with most of the crap on this page right now? Because you're reading it to yourself and hearing it in your own voice, which makes it make a lot more sense. You'd never listen to me if I were in the same room with you and started talking about all this. Hell this whole paragraph can be easily summarized by the Dust Brothers' "This is your life" track (Fight Club soundtrack). Listen to it, because I said so.
(&) Freedom of speech, free will, free thought, free choice: to an American, those are just buzz words used to justify things like the KKK and the lack of adequate gun control that seems to be tearing their country apart... but oddly enough this paragraph is not going to contain any social commentary about our neighbours to the south (see that? neighbours. with a U. that makes me Canadian). Actually this section is about actively spiteful and jealous people, and what a waste of perfectly good oxygen they are. I like oxygen, I think they should get less of it. Envious boyfriends and girlfriends are a huge turnoff, I think mostly because it is a phenomenon I cannot understand; the Freudian explanation would probably go somewhere along the lines of “well, they're insecure, they get jealous cuz they're afraid they will lose him/her to him/her and whatnot and then cry about it and update their blog and listen to dashboard confessional”. (predicting the future is an often overlooked fact about Freud's other talents... the only reason he wanted to nail his own mom was because he knew how ugly she'd be in just a couple of years). Yet again tho, I can't see a direct correlation, based on personal experience. I consider myself very insecure when it comes to approaching girls, yet it is hard for me to get angry when I see the girl i'm interested in flirting with someone else. And I know what you're thinking, “but, Anton, you're just gonna take her out back afterwards and kick the living shit out of her, right?”. Well, duh. Not out of spite, but only because she's probably feeling guilty and doesn't know how to verbalize/express her emotions. I am like a proxy for channeling those dormant feelings. But I digress. Had a couple of shitty relationships here and there, had a girl leave me without ever having the guts to break up. Meh, shit happens. Sulking and plotting your revenge will hurt absolutely no one but you (unless you're a psycho and you actually DO the thing I described a couple of sentences back. With people looking. Idiot). Get over it! He/she is free to do whatever they want. Yes, it would be courteous to be informed of changes of heart, but things don't always turn out the way you want them to. Moreso, they are as free to do the things that make them happy as you are to be angry at them for it. The difference is that you are going to be miserable, and they are going to be free from your grabby controlling hands, and happy. Get prenups.
(^) And some people just piss me off as a general rule. This paragraph is about ME alone, and sucky annoying people who choose to spoil my otherwise rainbow-laden days. People who talk shit about someones mother, but once you stand up and say something like "oh really? Well guess what's hit more balls than Babe Ruth? Oh? Oh? YOUR mom's chin!", they get all pissy and give you some bullshit threat which goes something like this: "If you EVER, ever say something bad about my mother again I will break your neck.". How does the saying go? "You reap what you sow"? Well don’t expect a bed of roses after handing someone of bucket of crap. Another lovely bunch of logically-constipated thinkers is called "the people who cant argue about music" smacktards. One thing that I believe really is a matter of choice is taste in music, and even though some bands like the ones mentioned above should violated in the most ghastly way possible, I am willing to accept the opinions of their fans without freaking out about the bands' overwhelming lameness… unless they drop the "if you think you can do better…" bomb. Yes, it's almost as bad as the N bomb, which would be even worse if I were black. So there I am, preaching about how much better the dude from Creed would sound if he in fact had a frog stuck in his throat, when some uber-douche tries to get me started on a musical career and goes "well if you think you can do any better, you should start your own band.". Thanks buddy, just tell me what I need? Cowbell? With that kind of thinking, EVERY friggin person on the PLANET has to be a professional musician in order to form an opinion about some band. Creed sucks, end of story. I don’t need to know how to read notes, I don’t need to know how to play chords or drum or even know what a musical triangle looks like (it's that round thing, right?). Regardless of whether I sometimes take my musical opinions too far, unless you can present me with a valid argument about why some music project is unique and why I should like it, don’t bother me with your empty advice. As much as I love a good argument, I just choose to avoid certain people after I find out that they act this way. Also, don’t tell me Halo sucks just because "Final Fantasy RULEZ". Seriously, fuck off. One good product from one pile does not make another good product from another pile any worse. I don’t have to be a director in order to tell you that some movies suck, I don’t have to be a rocket scientist in order to point out that something in the Voyager was seriously fucked up, I don’t have to be a Vietnam veteran to say that war is bad, and I don’t have to be a mother to bless you with the observation that labour looks like it hurts.
(*)By a raise of hands of whatever you can spare, who likes sex? Good shit ain't it. Everyone likes it, almost everyone is doing it, so why is it so that in the year 2005 it's still such a hush subject? Is it really such a bad and dirty thing? I'm a guy, so yes, I like it a lot. I get upset when people say stuff like "stop talking about sex" or "stop making everything sound sexual". Before television, before phones, before the Renaissance and before the bible there was sex. Together with eating, sleeping and surviving it is the most innate instinct that we possess. We try to hide our sexual habits even though the porn industry in the US apparently makes more profit than the mainstream movie and game industries combined (I think I heard that from… Jenna Jameson, yeah…good girl). So don't tell me that I'm a pervert for downloading the stuff and talking about it openly; people spend fortunes on DVDs and stuff, good people, regular people. I've never even paid for the shit! It really is our nature to reproduce whenever we can, and there's nothing we can do about it, sorry. Romance and love is there, yes, but I don’t think two people can really be compatible unless they click under the covers. Hehe, coitus. And some people just really like sex, just like others like to eat or smoke. Hmmm maybe these aren’t the best two verbs to be used as examples… bottom line, it doesn’t make anyone a bad person if they just enjoy lots of sex. It's something that we were born to do, and denying it can only cause harm, like harmful buildup. Sometimes you're in the mood for it, and maybe sometimes you just want to relax and cuddle or something (shut up, YOU'RE gay), so there's not set rule. So just get it into your head: sex is good, you like it, others like it, so go have some.
For the past couple years I've been thinking about… trying to improve myself as a person. Is that what I said? Something like it. I don’t know if I made any progress. And please believe me when I say that I am not pessimistic. I'm just trying to understand what this is all about… maybe putting this little article up on the internet isn’t that smart, and if you hate it, tell me why. If you like it, tell me why.
This isn’t anything that hasn’t been said before me, and I'm not trying to amass an army of followers to overthrow any governments. Unless someone really, really wants to.
anton_enigma@hotmail.com
or
renholder24@yahoo.ca
Thank you, Anton
PS. To the people who don’t personally know me, I'd just like to say that I don’t usually talk about shit like that in person. So don’t worry. It's all good. And PLEASE leave a comment below.