| Of all the parties we attend, a certain person’s parties hold a special place in our hearts. Those parties are thrown by one Dave “Partier” Carter, all round Party Animal, Party Liaison, and, possibly, ‘Party of Five’ fan. Another little known fact about David is that he plays guitar for a band named “Party Mix”, who rock everybody’s world. However, no party, however well planned, can be perfect. So here we present the pro and con list you’ve all been waiting for: THE PROS AND CONS OF DAVID CARTER'S PARTIES Pro: The right kind of guys. Nearly all of the males at Carter’s parties are top Sydney Boys High School lads. A couple of them I would have said were a little so-so back in year ten or eleven, but everyone seems to have turned out pretty nicely as the years have gone by. A bit like a fine wine. And there’s a few guys I don’t know, but they’ve never tried to start a fight with me, or, you know, talk to me. So they get full marks in my party crowd book. Con: The wrong kind of chicks. Sheesh! Where does Carter find these banshees man? NO girl I know would dance to the sort of music they seem to be moved to near orgasm by. And they squeal, and bump into you, and they can’t even dance properly, man! Pro: Nice view. Dave has a really nice view in his backyard. I’m not kidding. It’s of the harbour, and behind that the bridge and the city. This particularly enhances the general party experience on New Years Eve, when you can see the fireworks go off over the bridge – and at the party. Yeah baby! Con: Appalling music. Almost without exception, the music at Dave’s parties is terrible. It’s all that poppy R&B crap that makes any sane person want to hunt down the performer with a rusty blade. No one is really all too sure why this is, though, because it is a well-known fact that Carter himself has a very good taste in music. My guess is that it has something to do with those weird chicks. Another thing I hate about those damn girls is that they congregate around the speakers and stereo like a pack of wild dogs, making it extremely difficult for anyone with any sort of taste in music to change the CD without being torn limb-from-limb. Pro: The chicken mini drumstick thingies. There always seems to be available these little bits of chickeny goodness. Who knows from whence they came, but I for one like ‘em. They’re about 4% chicken, 70% fat, and 26% “Mmm, that’s good party chicken!” Con: The music is too loud. Which would be frustrating enough if the music was any good, but MAN. Those nice comfy couches are right in front of the speakers too, so you can’t sit down without sustaining permanent hearing loss. Well actually, you can’t really do anything without sustaining permanent hearing loss. And don’t try to conduct a conversation indoors without a prior knowledge of sign language. Seriously. Pro: Salted nuts, various chips, and in one instance, chocolate cake. You always have something to do at Dave’s parties. If the fun levels begin to drop, you can go straight over to the trough that is Carter’s table and gorge yourself until you think of something to do. The simple, therapeutic action of repeatedly moving handfuls of broken salty snacks from a bowl to your mouth has got me and many other party guests out of some tough times. Con: There are sculptures of Apollo with his bow and arrow next to the basin. Look, these are perfectly lovely sculptures, and they go quite well with the bathroom décor. But Apollo’s arrows represented the plague. And these images of him pointing his arrows right at the very means you are about to use to sanitise your hands can be a little disconcerting, especially after a few beers. Pro: Really good party invitations. Dave puts a lot of thought into his invites. Con: Kate Barrett. Well, ‘nuff said. Pro: Carter is a dude. |
| DAVID CARTER'S PARTIES |
| THE VERDICT? |
| Ultimately, rent_is_life awards Carter's Parties five Rattus P. Ratti out of five. |
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| "How can this be", you ask, "when you've just identified five cons of Carter's Parties, one of which, I might add, is Kate Barrett? And why is your ratings system expressed as a function of the leader of The Ferals?" These are all good questions. The answer is that for all his Gorgon-esque girls and ear-bleedingly bad music, Carter's parties have something that your fancy private school money can't buy. And that special, magical, irreplicable thing is... |
| Pick either a, b, c or d. a) Atmosphere b) Character c) Spirit d) "Pizazz" |