| WHY KIRSTEN DUNST’S NEXT BOYFRIEND IS GOING TO BE ME |
| A couple of years ago, if somebody had said to me “Hey, you know, I think someone like you could go out with Kirsten Dunst”, I probably would have laughed. Or I guess, if they were being sincere, I might have taken it as a compliment. But what would they mean by that anyway? They’d probably just be saying it to be a jerk, trying to set me up for some unfunny joke. Come to think of it, I don’t even know if I would have known who Kirsten Dunst was a few years ago. I forget the names of my best friends, why would I remember the name of the girl who was in Jumanji? Um, anyway, I would have laughed at the idea that I would be Kirsten Dunst’s next boyfriend, if I’d known who she was. Nay, I would have laughed at the idea that I would date ANY leading lady of film or TV. Except for maybe Ellen Degeneres, but she turned out to be gay, so it’s no use dreaming about it now. Not that I ever did. But supposing I did like Ellen Degeneres, that would be typical. All this changed a few years ago when I found out about this: |
| Yes, you saw it too. The technology to capture images from the world around us and reproduce them as pictures. And of course, Drew Barrymore dated and eventually married Tom Green. Not that I’m saying Tom Green isn’t a funny guy, although I am. It’s more to do with the fact that Tom Green looks like he does. And the way he looks is like Tom Green. |
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| Until I take over government and begin a eugenics programme sterilising or killing people whom I deem to be stupid, ugly, unpopular, or claiming to be a goth, it’s Tom Green’s business how he looks, and I’m sure a lot of people have died to protect a society where ugly people can go about reproducing. But the point is, he was going out with Drew Barrymore. If you’re asking what the point is, you should probably remember that IT’S FREAKIN’ DREW BARRYMORE. Meaning ANYBODY can go out with a celebrity, and hell, it might as well be YOU if it’s going to be Tom Green. |
| No, not you. What I actually meant by that was me. I should be going out with celebrities. And so begins a short dissertation on why I am going to be Kirsten Dunst’s next boyfriend. |
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| "Me?" |
| Part II coming soon |