| The following is my favourite pick-up line: How YOU doing? I recently came across an interesting statistic: Men who were successful when they used the pickup line "Hi": 71% Women who were successful when they used the pickup line "Hi": 100% Hi, my name's Dave. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later tonight! He: I'm a really good cook! She: What do you cook best? He: Breakfast in bed! (grins) What do you like for breakfast? Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you? If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together. or Anneliese Schattiger's version: IF i could rewrite the alphabet, i'd put "me" and "u" together. Nice dress/pants, can I talk you out of it? The best part of me is covered up. (If wearing swim trunks, a bikini, or a skimpy outfit) Overheard in our computer lab: Just because your computers are incompatible, doesn't mean we are. Is your daddy a thief? No. Then who stole those diamonds and put them in your eyes? Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home. Guy goes up to a girl, licks his finger, touches her on the shoulder, and then touches himself (all this while she is watching him) and says: How about you and I get out of these wet clothes? It worked for him... :) Mmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible". Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met. She: I really enjoyed myself tonight. He: I enjoyed myself too. Maybe sometime we can let our bodies enjoy each other. That dress would look awfully nice on my bedroom floor. or That miniskirt would look great crumpled up at the end of my bed. or That's a cute outfit. It would be even cuter wrinkled on my bedroom floor. or I think that shirt would look great on the carpet beside my bed. Drop 'em. Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize? Say, didn't we go to different schools together? Help, I'm lost. Which way is it to your house? or Hi, I'm new in town. Which way is it to your house? Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? Smile if you want to sleep with me (watch the victim try to hold back her smile...) I've heard of a guy that had cards that said: Here I am, madly in love with you, on the verge of killing myself for your love and I don't even know your NAME__________ PHONE________ At the office copy machine: "Reproducing, eh? Can I help?" She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time? He: Do you have the energy? What is your favorite position on extramarital sex? Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?!?!! Bond. James Bond. Gosh, you're pretty/handsome!!! Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes. Take a chance on me. Your place or mine? Your face or mine? This is your lucky day, because I just happen to be single. Would you like to have morning coffee with me? Do you want to come back to my place and pet my dog/cat? You have the ass of a great artist. "Are you ready to go home now?" She smiled a bit, stood up, and they left together. If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold IT against me? When asked for a match: How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs? Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade. Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight. I wanna floss with your pubic hair. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler? I'd look good on you. Sex is a killer...want to die happy? NOW! BITCH! Oh, I'm doing fine! And you? (While looking at someone and waiting for them to say anything) Aren't we supposed to get together for a candlelight dinner later tonight? Fancy a fuck? I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality? My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it. Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm? Hey! I like your shoes! Do you like mine?? It worked and we are still friends today. He: Have you ever had one of those fantasies where Greek gods feed you these little pickles? She: No. He: Well, I'll have to show you what one is like, but it will be only one Greek god (point to yourself, then look down at your crotch) and I won't be feeding you little pickles. I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was included. Didn't I used to always pull on your ponytail in grammar school? I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me? On the same note, one of my favorites (that I've never had the guts to try) is to walk up to a girl, put your hands on her shoulders, and say, "I'd like to get something straight between us." and then look at your (you know)...... Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us. Wanna Dance? No! Wanna Drink? No! Wanna Fuck? Yes (pause) but not with you That girl/guy I'm with, oh, she's/he's just my sister/brother. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick. For a fat chick, you sure have small tits. Do you take it up the bum? (This also does not work and can be painful) Is that a doubleended dildo or are you just glad to see me? Is that a tictac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? What did you say? Oh, I thought you were talking to me. He: Have you got a little Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc in you? She: Uh...no.... He: Well, do you want some? What would you do if I kissed you right now? Can I please be your slave tonight? I have a single. You know, you're very easy on the eyes. or (for the braver males) You know, you're very easy on the eyes...and very hard on my erection. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with *these* two fingers? (holding up any two) Obvious reply: No, why? Because they're mine. I know someone who had a card that had on the front: 1 2 3 4 Pick a number and then on the back of the card it read: Sex maniacs always pick 3 you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again? Hey baby, let's go make some babies. Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops Spring 1986. 9 Very Unsuccessful Pickup Lines: 1. Would you like to see my boa constrictor? 2. Is that a false nose? 3. You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno. 4. I'm drunk. 5. Hi, my friends call me Creepy. 6. Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed? 7. I just threw up. 8. You're ugly but you intrigue me. 9. I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that. Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Congressional Medal of Honor? or Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize? He: Would you sleep with me for 20 million dollars? She (sheepishly): Yes. He: Well then, would you sleep with me for 20 cents? She: No, what kind of woman do you think I am? He: We've established what kind of woman that you are, we're just haggling over the price. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your willy and say: Hey Charlie, see anyone here you recognize? I require a tissue sample. May I sever a littleused portion of your body? (brandish forceps) Hey, wanna see my R2D2 impersonation? (Think about it...) Hey baby...infect me! Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!? Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose? Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley? Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way. When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough, you would come." or "Do you always come when someone fingers you?" Picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne. God must have been in a very good mood the day we met. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. Would you like someone to mix with your drink? The front reads: ++ |No Phone No Business| | | | | | | | | | No Name | | | | | | | | | |No Address No Money| ++ And the back reads: ++ | I'M A SILENT SEDUCER | | | |Any chance to crawl in the sack with| |you tonight? If so, just keep the | |card; if not, kindly return it | |because they are expensive. I'm not| |as good as I once was. But I'm good| |once as I ever was! | | | |P.S. You don't have to say yes | | Just Smile!| ++ No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks? Be unique and different, say yes. Will you marry me and have my children? (unfortunate sideeffects: beware!) You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone? I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub. Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't give it away. Hello, Susie. Your mum couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress. Would you like to be in movies? Excuse me, do you live around here often? Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together? Would you like to see a baby picture of me? (Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.) Hello, love, do you spit or swallow? You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book ... So what's one more?? Hey babe, did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List? What's your sign? And a subtle approach: Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. What? (reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP. (If she laughs, she's yours; if she looks at you funny, apologize.) Nice shoes. Wanna fuck? Follow these instructions: 1: Make sure that you are in the front of the person you're trying to attract. 2: Put your hands in a vertical plane and separate your hands to the proper distance you want to get across. 3: Look at the person of your affections and with a eartoear grin, shake your head up and down as to reply that you're this big! Whatever you do, don't ever cut that silky hair of yours! There's the old classic from the movie "Fletch" (to girl in towel): Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. I want to bear all your children. (to a woman) Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance? That's a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it? Take off that dress and fuck my brains out, you cave newt. Did you know that the word 'motel' spelled backwards means 'letom'? Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? Let's take a shower together, you smell. You smell wet. Let's party. May I end this sentence with a proposition? I've got an itch, honey. Lower. Lower. In. Out. If I was Elvis, would you screw me? I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch! If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me. Want to see my stamp collection? Want to come see my hard drive? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy. Don't you know me from somewhere? Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew.. At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pick up the bread and say, "Wanna roll?" Excuse me, have I fucked you yet? Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me! I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else. |
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