It is now officially 2 M.A.R. For those of you unfamiliar with my terminology that signifies it is two months after my last relationship ended. I was initially going to go with 2 A.J. (After Jocelyn, that was the ex's name for those of you not in the know) but that would make any time before her, B.J. and that just won't sit well with parents reading this as a good night story to their kids. So two months have passed and I have realized something; this sucks. Let me fill you in on my brief history. Since I started dating Jocelyn I have switched jobs ( one of my few good decisions) and apartments from the hustle and bustle of Boston to the sprawl of suburban Marlboro (No, not where they make cigarettes). I don’t intend to dwell on the past, but need all you readers to understand the genesis of this column. The suburbs are a place where no opportunities prevail to stumble home from the bar with a random barfly, as driving is the way of life out here in the burbs. And often times sobriety, as required to drive and unflattering car lights can be the poison for an otherwise fun evening. Away from my friends and disjointed from my prior drunken blissful life I am mired in what I have title Abstinence and the Suburbs: The art of dating in the Boondocks. I don't want to confuse my column with the television show Sex and the City. The most expensive shoes I wear are from Macy's, I prefer Captain and Coke to Cosmos, and if I get out of bed early enough on Sunday for brunch it's at IHOP, not at a trendy café. But that will not stop me from my weekly column where I will live the life, do things one would never expect, and keep it real for all my readers in the ghetto. So let's begin our journey and see where Abstinence and the Suburbs takes us.
As the booking officer once asked Tina Turner as he questioned her on her domestic violence claim, What's love got to do with it? As I sit here one month after losing the first girl I could ever claim to have truly loved I have an answer for that officer, and they need not keep me in a feces covered bathroom for forty five minutes to get it. The answer is love has everything to do with it. From movies to music to poetry there is no escaping the worlds infatuation with live. Rap discusses the love of money and vehicles, country music covers the unnatural love of ones relatives, movies known as chick flicks focus on unrequited love that is eventually requited just in time for the protagonist to contract some deadly disease (those are generally reserved for Lifetime Television), television looks at how love can come and go in thirty minutes or less, and writing can get beneath the surface of why people fall in love. The problem I am experiencing is that after losing my first love I feel somewhat hardened. I like to think I still have high standards but my focus is not what it once was. I used to look at women at bars and think, wow she's something else, I would move mountains to be with her. In fact, as I begin looking for the next woman to fill the space for rent in my heart something else comes to mind. After dating someone who lived far away with a job that demanded a great deal of her time my standards are changing.
Now, looking for a woman seems inexplicably similar to when I was looking for my apartment. First and foremost the rule of real estate is location, location, location. I need to find a girl that lives in a convenient location to my work and to my home. I'm willing to commute a bit, but in all reality, long distance can be as little as ten miles when you work in the stressful world of high tech market research all week. My next apartment restriction was to find something that was the right size. I wanted an apartment that was at least a one bedroom, because a studio apartment would be too small, while anything bigger than a one bedroom would be too big. I mean I accumulated a lot of stuff in college but not enough to make a two bedroom look full and too much that would crowd a studio. Again, the same thing applies for women. Petite is the new black in relationships but who wants a woman who is so small your arms wrap around her twice when you hug her? The same can be said for the opposite. Not to offend the obese Americans (Obese Americans may want to check out http://www.ilovefastfood.com), but I would prefer to only buy one seat for my woman on a Southwest Airlines flight, thank you very much.
The third criteria I had set for myself was that the apartment had to have some fashionable appeal. You can slab a coat of paint on the walls and hang some pictures but if the place is a fixer-upper I prefer to pass. I'm not the host of a reality show and cannot make someone look more attractive. Women are the same way. A little make-up and some accessories can pretty up any woman, so can total darkness if I may inject some advice for those who are less attractive, but if the base is not good enough then make-up can only do so much. Finally, I was hoping to find an apartment that would look really nice when it was clean and I was entertaining but also wouldn't look too terrible when my clothes and dirty dishes were strewn about. Of course, it would also have to be quick to clean up to give it that extra clean feel. When I look for a girlfriend I want someone who will look good at a fancy soiree but will also not take four hours to get glam. Additionally, if I want a grungy Sunday watching football, or a Queer Eye Marathon, which is more my speed then it is important they can throw on a visor and a jersey and still look hotter then my buffalo wings (which generally are mild due to allergies, but I digress).
Truth be told, in Massachusetts maintaining a girlfriend is just about as expensive as the astronomical rent prices. Another stunning similarity. After moving three times in the last year I think I am pretty good at spotting a bargain. I mean, I left my home in the city and found my apartment in Marlboro, didn't I? That has worked out so well. The increased rent, the expensive utilities, and the lack of a social life all indicate how successful my apartment hunting skills have been. There is one great thing about girlfriends that I failed to mention earlier. Girlfriends do not require a lease or a security deposit! Stay tuned as the next few weeks as my attempts to find a girlfriend continue. In the coming weeks, together we will continue to overcome Abstinence and the Suburbs! |
