Whenever I see a monkey throw his poo at an unexpecting zoo visitor, I am thankful humans have evolved past these types of activities. Otherwise, walking to work would be more of a challenge than OJ Simpson getting a job hosting a Ginsu Knife Infomercial. Recently though, I have felt that humans may be returning to a lesser state of evolution, and it scares me. While I know this may come as a shock to some people, I lost my faith in the science of evolution after seeing my first episode of the Jerry Springer Show. Any race that breeds people who have had sexual relations with someone and cannot tell what gender they are has a long way to go. I mean, it’s really not that hard (no pun intended) to figure out the sex of your partner. You need not perform any scientific experiment; all you have to do is look! As I began thinking about the de-evolution of the human race, I started to find more and more examples that further proved my point. I believe there are two realms that have induced this de-evolution; parents and friends.
Parents are the first and primary influence in our lives and while they mean well, they begin unraveling us as soon as we are born. One important parenting tool is using idioms to prove a point. However, when you have the opportunity to think about what these quips actually mean, they make very little sense. My favorite one growing up was that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. I was always utterly confused how that was supposed to portray some moral lesson. I wondered if it meant that since I didn’t live in a glass house, I could throw stones? Why would I want to throw stones inside anyway? That is much more enjoyable to do outside. My philosophy was that people in glass houses shouldn’t do number two because everyone can see them. I’m going to impart that bit of wisdom on my kids and see what they take from it.
Another favorite of my parents was a penny saved is a penny earned. I know when my parents were younger a penny was worth a lot more, but they have to learn the concept of inflation. Even if I saved 500 pennies what could I really buy-three packs of gum? Talk about a good time! As I chew my gum I am really glad I saved my pennies for the last eighteen months; thanks for the advice, Mom! Finally, my parents would always like to remind me that a watched pot never boils. Now, I never actually took physics because who really needs physics? It’s about as useful as Drivers Ed. Anyway, after becoming an adult I tested their theory and put a pot up to boil and believe it or not, it actually boiled as I watched it. I was so amazed I called Ripley’s Believe it or Not, and told them of my accomplishment. I am now featured on the newest edition of the magazine. As it can be seen, parents are definitely responsible for our brains starting to degenerate
The second group to aid and abet in this brain reduction is our friends. While this group may not “teach” us anything, they often times force us to engage in activities that would make most people cringe. Some of these activities are so ridiculous they need not even be mentioned. Skydiving seems to top the list of all time stupid ideas. Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane to plummet towards the Earth, hoping a piece of cloth and string will slow your descent. Are you really in that much of a rush to get to your destination? Bungee jumping falls into the same category. A glorified rubber band (or should I say elastic) is the only thing keeping you from certain death. Good idea, America!! My favorite past time that friends engage in together is the ultimate in foregoing evolution-camping. People claim they enjoy getting “back to nature”. I cannot understand this philosophy. If people liked nature so much they never would have built houses, developed air conditioning or heat, and horses never would have been replaced with cars. The truth is I love technology, and I feel people should not slight the hard work that humans have put forth for thousands of years to develop the luxuries we have today, like walls, windows, and bug spray. Nature is great for the times I have to spend outside at a barbeque, but when it gets too hot, I want to duck inside for a nice dance with the A/C, not return to some canvas tent and wave a piece of paper in my face for relief. Furthermore, I have not once been attacked by any of the following animals while in my house: a bear, a mountain lion, a yak, a coyote, etc. That is because we are meant to be inside and not outside; if we move outside we are no longer protected. Why do you think that homeless people stay in the city and do not “camp” in the woods all the time? They realize the insanity of it; at least the city offers some protection. Finally, I like that the biggest challenge I face getting my food involves fishing in my wallet for my Shaws card, not fishing in a lake for my dinner. Humanity has worked hard to allow us the luxuries we are afforded today, and I for one will not see all that effort go to waste in a desire to “get back to nature”.
I think humanity can still be saved. I do have faith. If we start saying things that make sense, such as stop watching the damned pot and go do something better with your time, we can right the ship. We must realize that the activities we engage in dictate the behavior of future generations. Go back into your house, flip on the human-invented lights, get a nice cool cup of water from your newly invented Brita in the refrigerator you wouldn’t have in the woods, turn up your wonderful air conditioner, and be thankful for evolution! |
