“A New beginning 1”

February 9, 2004

3:30am

Entry one

 

A lot has gone down in the last couple of months. I had to leave Wal mart due to lack of transportation to and from work. I had my lights shut off at least once and my phone has now been disconnected twice and is so as I write this entry. I had found a job working at Connections, thought it was safely secured and lost it due to a lying bitch, whom for some reason didn’t want me working with her. Now I’m unemployed again near the middle of February and I have seemingly bleak prospects at the current time of finding any gainful employment in Louisville. This is really not the best time of year to be out of work and looking for a job. I am still hopeful that I will soon become one of the 96% of Americans employed.

 

What’s a queer to do? I have been trying and failing to give up smoking. I do very good for a few days and then I start rooting around my apartment which has become quite messy from depression and lack of motivation to clean it, until I find what little money I have left for milk or bread and buy a pack of cigarettes. I am certain that with the aid of Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I will eventually conquer my craving to continue smoking. It isn’t going to hurt the situation any that I don’t have any more money to buy more cigarettes. I smoked my last pack today. This is a new day and a new beginning at quitting, once and for all. Under the current circumstances, this time it should work.

 

Although I do have a pastoral counseling session with my buddy Philip tomorrow @ 2:30, I plan to go to Sonic on Preston HWY and apply for work with them. I may not make it tomorrow but I will go Tuesday if I don’t. The problem for me is I have to get hired on the spot somewhere because there is no phone number right now for me to be contacted by. Unfortunately this does pose an even greater dilemma for me where gaining employment is concerned. If I can’t get someone to hire me on the spot I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t get my phone back on without a job and without a phone it’s going to be next to impossible to get a job. I don’t know how anybody is going to call me to come in for an interview, when I have no phone.

 

As if all of this is not bad enough, as much as I hate to admit it I don’t know if I’m still in love with Will, or if I’m just so ready to find someone to love me the way I need to be loved. Every time I see a TV show that has a scene about someone in the best of relationships I can’t help but wish that we could have made it work for us. Although I don’t really feel the need to see him again at all; sometimes I do find myself wondering if I shouldn’t just swallow my pride and plead with him again to try one more time to give us another chance at happiness together. It would be just my luck that he’s with someone else by now, or he just doesn’t care about me anymore. I’m afraid to find out. I’m afraid of setting myself up for another set back in the process of going on as best as I can with whatever is coming next in what’s left of my life; whatever that’s going to be or not be.

 

Valentines Day is coming up in less than a week and that’s not helping things any. The closer it gets to that day the more I feel compelled to go see Will and hope for the best. I’m just so scared to try. I’m so scared that he’s going to reject me again. It would just hurt so much if he did. I can’t imagine any reason he’d have to want me back. I just don’t want to set myself up for being hurt again. I do really still love him. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be so afraid of him saying no to me again. Maybe this is an issue that I should take up with Philip when he comes to see me tomorrow. I think I will. Maybe he can help me to shed some light on my feelings before I do something that would be catastrophic for me at this time.

 

My birthday is coming also. I will be 36 on the twenty -second of this month. I feel like more of failure now than I think I ever have before and that’s been pretty intense in the past. I want to believe that the situation I’ve found myself in is just a temporary setback and everything will work out in the end somehow. That’s just such a hard attitude to take at this point. I often think about suicide as a way out of dilemma, but I want to break free of this situation so bad. I want to be there for Savanna and Jason. I want to see them grow up and help them see that there are no obstacles in their way except those that they allow to be there. There are so many things that I want to teach them about life, love and living. I want to make a difference for them the way that no one ever tried to make a difference for me. They are all that’s keeping me going right now, them Maria and Walda.

 

My blessed Lord and Lady let it all be as I ask. Please let it be.