A New Beginning 3

 

March 31, 2004

 

2:32am

 

 

I don’t know where to start. It just doesn’t seem as though it’s meant to be that anything works out for my good. It seems as if the only people in my life who really care about me at all are those who are able to do the least to help me make life better for myself in any way at all. Since I lost my job at Connections two and a half months ago I have heard nothing from anyone anywhere I’ve gone to look for a job that lifts my spirits about finding one. I have come to the end of my rope mentally and emotionally. I find myself questioning everything I’ve been taught spiritually about everything. Financially I am in a state of chaotic ruin. As much as I love my kitties and my nieces and nephew, it is becoming increasingly difficult to stick around just for them. I find no reason to stick around just for myself because there appears to be no reason to do so just for me.

 

            My parents came to see me Sunday after missing me Saturday morning because I had stayed with Billy Friday night and was not home when they came. My father had told me he would bring me some food later that evening. I waited patiently thinking he really meant what he said. He had not given me any reason over the last several months to doubt his word about that. I was very hurt and disappointed when he never showed up. I haven’t seen him since and now it’s Wednesday. Am I supposed to believe he really cares weather I eat or starve? I don’t seem to know.

 

        I have one sister who doesn’t want to let me live with her because she doesn’t know me well enough to know that I would not take advantage of her kindness, and one who never has anything good to say about me ever. The only things I ever seem to hear from her are insults. My hair doesn’t look right to her. I’m too dumb and ugly to talk to about anything. I want to talk about things that mean something in the universe and she wants to only talk about meaningless things that no one really cares about. My nose is big and ugly and my hairline is receding. I can remember a time when I really felt so much love from them. I felt they were the only ones in the world who really truly did love me. I just don’t feel any of that from Sara anymore and not as much as I used to from Della. As for what I feel coming from my parents, it’s basically the same age-old confusion about weather they even know what they feel for me. I don’t know if they really do love me the best way that they know to, or do they just wish that I’d never been born to them. I know my mother has always been ashamed of me because I’m Gay, BI whatever the Hell I am. I am BI I will go either way I can get. She hates that about me; I know that. They almost never come around. I grant her she did come over Saturday to take me out to breakfast so she must at least like me a little bit. They did also take me out for dinner on my birthday which really shocked the Hell out of me; she also bout me a couple of new pairs of jeans. I usually quite lucky if I even get a card in the mail or a call to say happy birthday. I guess I’m being a little silly about weather they love me or not. They do it’s just the depression surrounding my own feeling of uselessness that has me talking like this about them. Still although I do believe that Della loves me to as best she can; I still feel uncertain about Sara.

 

               Savanna loves me I’m sure she’s just a normal little girl who only gives hugs and kisses if she thinks your going to give her what she wants. All kids are like that when they’re little. She isn’t even three yet. I know my baby Jason loves me he, even loves my nose that Sara is always telling me is so big and ugly. God knows he grabs it and tries to stuff his little mouth with every time I see him. He gives me all the kisses I could ever want in a single day as well. I almost never get to see Kayla and Bethany. I haven’t seen Kayla for several months and I haven’t seen Bethany for much longer. Kayla barely knows me, and Bethany doesn’t seem to know me anymore at all. That is partly thanks to my deceased sister Kathy and partly the thingamajig she married. I can’t very well put all of the blame on her. He was the one who moved them out to no mans land and still does not allow them to ever see me, except by accident. God rests my sister’s soul; it is partly her fault that I rarely see her children. That doesn’t mean I don’t still love her; I do.  What’s a Queer to do? If I had my way I’d be an uncle to that precious little Jonathon too but fat chance that, that would ever happen.

 

                    As I had stated earlier, I find myself questioning many things I’ve always felt so sure of before. Does God/Dess really love me? Do they really even know that I exist? If they do know about me; do they really care what happens to me? If God, Goddess and Jesus really do know my every thought and feeling about everything and they really know my situation; why are they not helping me to find a job so that I can get my life back to something resembling normality again? If they really know about me how this situation is making me feel, then they would have to know how hopeless and useless I feel with it being the way it is. I don’t understand why they aren’t helping me find a job. If they want me to work for a living why aren’t they helping me find work? Has Satan asked them for permission to tempt me into giving up on them? Do they have more faith in me than I’m feeling that I have in them? I have noticed something lately. When I have a job and things seem to be going well for me I act as if I have all the answers for everything, almost everything anyway. At times like now when everything seems to be closing in, and my whole world seems to be collapsing around me; I don’t then feel so full of answers anymore. Is this their way of telling me that I don’t know as much as I often think myself to know about life and after life?

        

    The thing that makes me ask myself this is simply, that I want to commit myself to suicide so badly these days. I just don’t often feel another way out of this misery that has become my life. There are several reasons why I haven’t been able to do yet. First and fore most I don’t really know what would happen to me afterward. I do still believe firmly in some sort of an afterlife. I do believe that there are many things about it that are not necessarily false just because they are not explained in the bible. Although I have never seen any scripture to substantiate the claim, I have always been told that, if one does take ones own life, one goes strait to some sort of eternal punishment. Some say it is an eternally painful and unquenchable flame that torments ones spirit in a physical way. The same people say that worms eat into ones flesh all through out eternity. I don’t understand this concept. If we are indeed beings of spirit when we die and are no longer bound to such torments as physical pain due to the fact that we are no longer physical beings; how can these things be true? How do we know that the flames spoken of in the Bible are not flames of emotion, such as anger, bitterness and inner rage toward our selves? How do we know that this doesn’t happen for not believing in the Mother, Father and Child trinity enough to take comfort in their promises to carry us through even the most spiritually trying times in our lives. How do we know that the worm is not symbolic of the regret we feel from knowing that something we did somewhere along the way cut us off from the possibility of eternal paradise? How can any of us really know anything with any certainty without being given that knowledge by the Mother, Father and immortal thirty three year old, human son Jesus? Are we truly due last rights of passage into heaven even if we do our self in? Do we still have a chance to be accepted into God/Dess paradise? I don’t know. That is the main reason I haven’t done it as tempting as it is. The second most reason is simply that even though I often feel quite hopeless about the situation I’m in; I keep hoping and praying that it will change before I die of starvation, or some form of spiritual suicide. I also love my nieces and nephew with all my heart and I want to see them grow up. I want to be there to help mold and shape them into the absolute best man and women that they can be. I didn’t have anyone to help me learn those aspects of life. I want to be there for them in the ways that no one was ever there for me. I have a lot of good reasons for wanting to stick around. I just don’t understand why I have to have it all so hard that I find myself struggling so often with the war between sticking around and hoping for change, and seeing no way out but completely out. If I could only understand why it might make it easier.