“A New Beginning 6”

 

Sunday July 11, 2004

 

2:04 P.M.

 

It has been some time since I have entered an entry for my new journal. I will take the time now to play some catch up.

 

A couple of months ago I allowed a young couple whom I had gotten to know at Sumshees’s Coffee Shop to stay with me in my one bedroom apartment for a couple of weeks. They stayed awake most of the night and slept for the better portion of the day, which I did find rather annoying. I didn’t really mind enough to mention it to them however to the fact that I did enjoy the solitude I received from their extended day time sleeping pattern. Solitude at that time was becoming rare at any other time. They left for New York and I haven’t heard from them since.

 

During the time when they were here I had gone with them to a yard sale nearby on Frankfort Ave. The lady conducting the sale had several books that she was giving away. One of them happened to be a book on Co Dependency. I had been told many times over the course of my adult life that I needed to do some reading on this subject due to my own diagnosis from those in the mental health profession of Co dependency. When I began reading the book “Co Dependent No More” which had been suggested to me several times by my therapist, I then began to see that every issue of my adulthood evolved within my childhood from being raised by two very co dependent parents. Of course they had no idea that they were any more than I did. I knew after so many people telling me that I must be; I just didn’t know anything about the subject. Now that I know I’ve had an issue with not only trying to rescue others from their own consequences of unwise choices. I’ve tried to control others and their rate of growth, allowing myself to be controlled by others. While trying to stand on my own,  at the same time I would also allow others to rescue me from my own consequences of unwise choices. I seem to have learned how to prevent these situations from becoming a reality in my life again. Of course as with recovery from any illness I’m sure I won’t do it perfectly; for no one does. Still it doesn’t seem as though it’s going to be very difficult until I find myself in an intimate relationship with someone again, some day.

 

What I am learning to understand now is that, no one makes me angry. I allow the actions and reactions of others to anger me. It is no ones fault if I get angry. They are not making me angry; they are simply doing or saying something that is bringing an unresolved issue from my past to the surface of my mind. This is not something to be angry with them for. They are actually helping me by giving me the opportunity to work through that issue. They often don’t even know that they are doing that, in much the same way that I never realized it before myself. I now try to be grateful for these times seeing them as such opportunities to help myself grow more tolerant, patient, loving and compassionate with myself and others. There are many co dependent people in the world we live. All of us can find our own new beginning to recovery from this state of self induced depression, anxiety and self destructive ways of thinking and behaving. I see now that it has always been my co dependent attitude and behavior which has been responsible for all my temporary and failed relationships. I was too busy being angry with my ex’s for not being more like me, or allowing them to control me being angry with me for not being more like them. All I’ve had so far have been these kinds of unhealthy relationships where no one was allowed to be themselves. I look forward to the next one being a healthy one in which the differences between myself and them are embraced as opportunities for growing together at different paces rather than the cruel and unusual method of co dependency I’ve utilized in the past.